


Mine To Keep

by LERoyal



Category: General Hospital
Genre: Age Difference, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Light BDSM, Past Abuse, Sex, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-18 21:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 63,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13108794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LERoyal/pseuds/LERoyal
Summary: Finally healing from the turbulent events that proceeded the move to Oregon, Kristina and Parker are settling into a life together that they love. An unexpected visitor and a dark secret drags Parker's past into the light, revealing things that neither of them are prepared to face. When the cards are down, and the truth is out, are they really as compatible as they thought? Between explanations, exploration, and secrets of Kristina's own, can they navigate this new path to find a middle ground that works for them both?Or: The one where Parker absolutely dotes on Kristina, and maybe wants to dominate her too. A story of facing demons, and finding home.





	1. Chapter 1

It had been almost a month, but some days this still didn't feel like her life. Summer had folded into Fall and Oregon was beautiful wrapped in the season. 

Kristina's fingers hovered above the keys, her assignment open in front of her as it had been for the last half an hour. 

"Kris?"

She hadn't heard the front door open. Parker's heels rung her down the hall before they abruptly stopped. Kristina could imagine her pausing in the doorway to slip them off as she always did, the domesticity making her smile. This was her life now, here, with Parker.

"Hi..."

She appeared in the doorway, polite black slacks and a maroon wool coat, dark eyes alight as they studied her.

"Hey, you're home early."

It still took her breath away, the fact that somehow, after everything, they had made it to this.

"Well, I had a lot to look forward to when I got here." 

Parker smiled that smile she had come to know so well, the one that made her feel so loved, cherished, like she was something precious. It still made her blush. 

She clicked the computer closed and watched as the older woman shed her coat, crossing the space in two long strides and sinking down beside her on the sofa.

"How was your day?" 

Her lips were still cold when they kissed.

"Better now."

Kristina hummed into the kiss, the cool skin of Parker's neck smooth beneath her fingers, lost under the veil of her hair. A tongue pushed into her mouth, and the moment the kiss became hotter, Parker pulled away. Her dark eyes were almost black.

"You okay?"

She asked without thinking, and for a moment something flashed across the older woman's face, before she smoothed it into a smile.

"Of course, honey, I missed you."

Something hung between them. Kristina had wondered if she was imagining it the first time Parker had clammed up that way. She'd wondered if it was just a consequence of going from dating to living together so quickly despite their extensive history, but here again, she knew it was something more.

"I missed you too. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

Parker softened, some of the warmth returning to her eyes as the hunger from the previous moment began to fade.

"Of course."

They shared a smile, and Kristina forced herself not to push. She was trying to do better, to be better, to avoid the mistakes she swore she had learned from in the past. Parker would tell her when she was ready, whatever it was.

"Why don't you go take a shower, we could order dinner?"

She watched the slight crease at the corner of those dark eyes relax, and she knew she had done the right thing. Blonde hair tickled her cheek as Parker leaned in to kiss her and stood.

"You're amazing."

She rolled her eyes, though she couldn't keep the grin from her face.

"I try. Take your bath. Chinese food?"

Parker nodded and then she was gone. 

The ticking of the pipes told her the hot water was running, and done with ordering the food, Kristina played with the idea of joining her girlfriend. Glancing at her cell, she figured they had least a half hour before the food would arrive, and suddenly giddy at the thought, she headed for the stairs. 

Her socks skidded slightly on the smooth wooden floor, everything familiar now, the old house they had moved into was slowly becoming home.

The mirror was already fogged when she stepped into the bathroom, lingering in the doorway. Through the water blurred glass she could see her, blonde hair drenched a deep caramel, head back, the hot spray running in rivulets down her body. She still took her breath away, all the giddy nervousness of their first time was gone, but that same awe, the same ache in the pit of her stomach remained.

She stripped out of her clothes quietly, fingers tugging the tie from her hair while she watched Parker still.

“Knock knock.”

She pulled back the screen slightly, teeth sinking into her bottom lip at the sight that greeted her.

“Krissie…”

Parker’s mouth wrapped around the nickname, all teeth and tongue, her tone already slipping into something richer, darker. Would she ever get used to this, used to her, used to this new and absolutely intoxicating sensuality that had exploded into her world since that first time at the hotel so long ago.

“Join me?”

Full lips pulled into a smile, soft first, pleased by the surprise, before it turned hungry. Kristina was more than happy to oblige, the screen barely pulled shut behind her before wet fingers were trailing warm down her sides, tugging her closer.

“You’re so beautiful, honey.”

Sincerity dripped from the words, and looking up into dark eyes, she couldn’t help but believe them.

“I missed you today.”

She had. She was thrilled that Parker had found another job, and that finally they were together and there was nothing left to ruin it for her, but on the days her classes ran long or she stayed at the university later for her office hours, she felt her absence like a physical ache.

“I missed you too, so much.”

Full lips pressed soft against her own, once then twice, the hot spray just catching her body, setting goose bumps on her skin that only intensified when Parker kissed her again, harder. Slim fingers twisted in her hair, a firm grip on her waist as a tongue slicked across her lower lip, pushing into her mouth as she opened it, rewarding.

Heat was crawling up her spine, spilling into her stomach and settling between her legs. Her body already wanting, so well versed in all the ways Parker could make it thrum, and twist, and sing.

“Do you have any idea how much I want you?”

The older woman’s breaths were shallower now, her coffee brown eyes blown out into black. Looking up through thick lashes Kristina could feel herself blushing. To be wanted by her, this confident, gorgeous, compassionate woman, it was heady and satisfying and erotic beyond anything she had ever known.

“Show me?”

She barely managed to whisper the words, but Parker must have heard her. The smooth tile around her spun, and then she was pressed up against it, the cold against her back a harsh contrast to the cascade of water against her front, making her hiss in surprise. The sound was swallowed into a kiss.

“I love you, Kristina.”

The words were dropped directly into her ear, hot breath tickling the sensitive skin there before an insistent tongue lathed over it, sending a soft noise of surprise and pleasure spilling from her lips before she could reply.

Parker was everywhere, a slim arm firm around her waist keeping her in place. Her mouth worked over the sensitive skin of her neck, nipping and biting over the ridge of her collarbone before she was dipping to take an already firm nipple into her mouth. Careful fingers were ghosting up and down her thighs and the sensations swallowed her, hips already pushing away from the wall, wanting.

“My sweet girl…”

Kristina’s head fell back as slim fingers finally began to rub her, Parker’s other hand sliding up just in time to cushion the blow against the tiles. Opening her eyes to see the concern in her partner’s, Kristina shook her head.

“Don’t stop…”

The words were breathy and almost inaudible over the sound of the water, but the way dark eyes blazed back at her, told her that they were understood.

She was already too close, her body hot and tight and come to life so easily for the woman she loved. Parker’s skin was water-slick against hers, the soft weight of her against her front, the swell of her breasts pressed just against her own, it was addictive. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Kristina noted the stiffness of her nipples where they pressed against her, the plus on Parker’s pale cheeks, the catch in her breath, and marveled that it was because of her.

Her insides clenched and she ached for more, still shy to ask.

“Baby…”

“What is it, honey?”

The words were rich and coarse and something deep inside her spasmed at the sound.

“I want you…”

She was too embarrassed to finish that sentence.

“Where do you want me, Krissie?”

She was close, so painfully, tantalizingly close, a soft whine leaving her lips as she looked up into blazing dark orbs.

She wanted Parker inside her, but as desperate as she was, her jaw stayed slack, unable to form the words. A tongue slicked across a plump bottom lip, and those dark eyes studied her for a second longer, before she seemed to think better of it.

A gasp ripped from her throat as a finger pushed into her gently, withdrawing before it returned with a second.

“Here?”

She could only nod, clinging to slim shoulders as her orgasm barreled towards her like a freight train.

Far away her own voice was agreeing, _yes, yes, yes,_ chanted like a chorus and a prayer. Parker’s tongue ran hot up the column of her neck and she shuddered, everything inside her clenching tight at the feeling. When teeth nipped over her pulse point, the wave crested and broke over her, sending her crashing, flying and falling with a single loud moan.

Parker moved inside her until she was spent, wringing every last ounce of pleasure from her, working her body with expert precision and an overwhelming care. When she finally slipped out of her, Kristina struggled to catch her breath.

“So beautiful.”

The words were soft, and reverent, and when she was pulled forward and under the spray, she went easily, her body slotting against Parker’s as she held her under the warm water.

“You feel cold, honey.”

If she was the feeling hadn’t registered, though the hot water was undeniably good against her still buzzing skin, the smooth curves of Parker’s body, all soft swells and smooth planes, felt better. Coming back to herself, Kristina blinked hard, the haze of her orgasm still hanging pleasantly around her, though she was eager to touch the beautiful woman who had given it to her.

“Let me make you feel good?”

She looked up at Parker, watching her pupils blow out all over again at the words, before she nodded.

Tan fingers were already exploring, up the dip of her waist, across her ribcage, cupping her breasts, pleased to find her nipples drawn into stiff peaks.

Parker’s shallow breath of surprise as she bent to run her tongue flat over one sent a jolt of heat directly between her legs, though she ignored it. She craved the other woman’s pleasure now, more than her own.

Humming her approval, she moved to pay the other the same attention, slim fingers squeezing her bicep, threading through her hair and holding her close, tugging down ever so slightly, and she knew what her lover craved.

She sunk to her knees, looking up at the older woman.

“Is this okay?” Her hands were already on toned thighs, kneading firm flesh, urging them apart.

Parker’s answering moan was long and low as she grabbed the screen to steady herself, one foot raised to rest on the side of the tub. Kristina smirked against the inside of her thigh, enjoying her eagerness.

“Krissie…”

The groan came from above her. She knew Parker was ready, the little jolts in her body, the searching of her hips as she kissed and nipped at the inside of her thighs told her as much, but enjoyed seeing her like this, and so she continued a little while longer.

“Honey…”

She looked up, the dark eyes that looked down at her where heavy with want, and it set her own libido raging again. She took a second, searing the image into her brain. Parker with her hair still wet around her shoulders, dark eyes wild and hungry, lips parted, white teeth biting into her bottom one as she wanted her.

“I love you.”

The words were sincere, but playful, and she gave no time for a response, leaning forward and running her tongue over her already slick flesh. Her reward was another breathy moan, and she set to work licking, nipping, sucking in the ways she had learned that the older woman loved.

Hands in her hair were gentle at first, though as she felt the muscles in her thighs clench under her hands they became more insistent, slim hips bucking under her hold. Drunk on the sight of her, the sounds, the feel of her body under her mouth, Kristina lathed it over her in long, languid strokes.

Parker was chanting her name and she knew she was close, she ached to feel her undone.

Slipping lower, without preamble, she pushed her tongue inside her, dragging it back up to circle over sensitive flesh before she repeated the action again. It took another three tries and then with a hard shudder, Parker was coming hard against her mouth.

Her knees ached by the time she was gently lifted back to her feet and pulled into a warm embrace. They stayed like that for a while, content under the warm water as their breaths evened out, bodies cooling.

“Let me take care of you?”

Parker nuzzled her neck, pressing a soft kiss there before she moved away. Kristina loved this side of her. At first it had been difficult to get used to this kind of treatment, no one had ever made her feel so treasured and she just hadn’t known how to respond. She stepped back under the spray as she was directed, tipping back her head, letting the water soak her dark hair, before the nozzle was pointed away, and gentle fingers were working shampoo into the thick strands.

Parker loved this, little things, being sweet to her, washing her hair, bringing her tea while she studied, doting on her. It warmed Kristina down to her bones, and not for the first time, she wondered how she had gotten so lucky. Closing her eyes, she let herself enjoy it, though she wasn’t sure she would ever truly feel like she deserved it.

When all the suds were washed down the drain, she turned reluctantly.

“I should get out, the food will be here soon.”

Parker frowned but nodded, leaning forward to press one last lingering kiss to her cheek.

“I just have to finish up, I’ll be down soon.”

They shared one last smile, it felt secret in a way, still charged with what they had just done, and Kristina reveled in it, before reluctantly, she stepped out, leaving the warm water and her girlfriend behind.

She toweled quickly, slipping into a pair of loose yoga pants and an old tshirt of Parker’s, enjoying that it still smelled faintly of her perfume. After running a brush through her hair she hurried downstairs, unsure how long they had been busy for, hoping they hadn’t missed the delivery.

She was making her way back to the living room, when a knocked stopped her with one foot on the last stair.

She cracked the door, opening it fully to the sight of a well-dressed older woman standing on their stoop.

"Um, hi?"

She tried not to be impolite, but she wasn't sure how else to ask her what she was doing here. A quick check told her that she was not carrying a bag of Chinese food.

"Can I help you?"

The woman seemed frozen. Steely blue eyes studied her, golden blonde hair hanging down past her shoulders, carefully styled into sleek sheets. She was attractive, it was undeniable, high cheekbones and full lips. She reminded Kristina of a model, tall and thin and flawless.

She mentally shook herself, about to repeat the question, unsure if the guest had heard, when finally the woman spoke.

"I'm sorry. I was looking for Parker."

Kristina nodded, something stirring in the pit of her stomach, cold and heavy.

"She's actually taking a shower right now..."

"Oh... I see." Suddenly seeming the recover from whatever had momentarily stunned her, the woman before Kristina came to life.

"How rude of me, I'm Mandy, an old friend of Parker's. I was in town and I just wanted to stop in... It was all very last minute."

Long pale fingers clasped around her hand, the hold firm, and she wished she was wearing something other than what was effectively her pajamas.

"Hi, I'm Kristina."

She was suddenly embarrassed to introduce herself as Parker's girlfriend, blue-grey eyes studying her face, trailing in a path she could feel sweeping over down her neck, drinking her in down to her toes.

"Lovely to meet you, Kristina."

Finally, she released her hand. 

"I suppose I could come back another time..."

"Or you could come inside and wait, I'm sure Parker won't be long."

It was easy to want to appease this woman, she seemed kind, confident, and she thanked her graciously as she stepped over the threshold and into their home.

Leading her through to the living room, Kristina sat, surprised when Mandy took a seat on the sofa with her, rather than across the room, sitting in the middle so they were close together, Kristina pressed up against the arm.

She told herself the woman was just being friendly.

"So, Kristina, tell me about yourself?"

The question was already out before she could ask her own, and awkwardly she fumbled through a quick and impersonal description. 

"...I'm taking classes towards my degree right now at community college, and working part-time from home for one of my Dad's companies."

Mandy's eyes stayed on her, holding her own in a way that made her feel like every word was important - she wasn't sure if she liked the feeling or loathed it.

"And how about you, how do you know Parker?"

Mandy's face creased into a smile, though it didn't touch her eyes.

"We're very old friends."

Something in the way she said it made Kristina's stomach roll again, the feeling sickly, and strange against the sweet, and slightly strong, scent of Mandy's perfume.

"Get the hell away from her."

She jumped in fright, her eyes darting to the doorway where Parker stood, clad in only a towel, hair dripping wet around her shoulders, looking absolutely furious.

"Hello, Darling."

Her already racing heart spilled shards of ice into her bloodstream at the greeting.

"Amanda, get away from her."

 _Oh god._  Suddenly, it made sense.  _She was Parker's ex-wife?_

"Wife, actually. The ex isn't quite finalized."

Heat rushed into her cheeks as Amanda answered the question she hadn't realized she had asked out loud.

"And you must be  _the_  Kristina, the student she swore up and down she wasn't having an affair with?"

Guilt clawed its way up her throat.

Parker appeared beside her, a damp hand closing around her arm, pulling her up, off the sofa and away from the woman.

"What do you want, Amanda?"

Her voice was colder than Kristina had ever heard it, cool fingers still firm around her arm, holding her close, protective.

"I was in town and I thought we might talk, catch up maybe?" There was no uncertainty in her question, and as she stood, she was a few inches taller than Parker. 

"This, however, _is_ a surprise."

She moved closer, and Kristina's heart dropped as she felt Parker move beside her, almost stepping back on instinct. Slipping her arm from her grasp, she forced her fingers between cold ones, holding on tight, a silent show of support.

Grey eyes caught the movement, though Amanda didn't comment.

"This wasn't exactly what I had in mind when you told me we were no longer compatible." 

Parker seemed frozen, and as calm and level-headed as she always was, it threw Kristina completely off balance to see her so seemingly panicked.

"Maybe you should leave."

She stepped forward, forcing her eyes up to hold the taller woman's, trying not to balk under her gaze. She was beautiful, it was impossible to deny, sharp angles and soft curves, and a level of sophistication Kristina knew she just didn't possess. 

"She just doesn't seem your type, Darling."

To her surprise, Amanda stepped into her space rather than retreating, ignoring her request to go, one long finger rising to brush a strand of hair behind her shoulder. In spite of herself, she stepped back, away from the touch, and victory flared in those grey eyes. 

"Unless..."

Parker's breathing was heavy beside her, and Kristina watched their eyes meet, a conversation happening that she was suddenly excluded from, entirely. 

"She doesn't know!"

Mandy laughed long and hard, the sound full of mirth, rich and dark and heady.

"Oh Parker will you ever learn?"

Looking up into her girlfriend's eyes, wet with tears, Kristina spurred herself out of her shock.

"You need to leave, lady..."

Amanda ignored her, her dark eyes still boring into Parker's.

"Do you think she's going to understand you?" The words were almost hissed, and twin tears leaked onto Parker's pale cheeks, the sight was enough to make Kristina move. 

"You need to get the hell out."

She stepped between the older women, holding her ground despite her smaller stature. It crossed her mind to threaten involving her father, but remembering she was trying to be bigger, better, more mature now, she changed her mind.

Grey eyes appraised her, a tongue running across a waxy red lip as they studied her. 

"Oh little girl, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into."

A thin case appeared in Amanda's hand, tugged from inside her jacket.

"This ought to clue you in, seems our sweet Parker here didn't care to."

"No."

Parker came to life beside her, stepping forward, one hand still clutching the towel at her chest, the other reaching for the case.

"Amanda, please... Don't... Please..."

She was crying, her shoulders shaking lightly in a way that Kristina wasn't sure was due to cold or emotion.

"Baby..."

Kristina turned to her concerned, and Amanda scoffed.

"Here..." She tossed the case onto the sofa, as it fell, Kristina could see a shiny disk inside, "When you're done with this little fling, call me, Darling, we have much to discuss." 

Kristina sucked in a breath, ready to let her have it, done with being the bigger person, but Amanda was quicker, already turning on her heel to leave the room.

Leaving Parker crying silently, she followed her to the living room doorway, watching down the hall until she saw herself out, needing to be sure she was gone. 

"Parker?"

She crossed the room to go to her, surprised when instead of turning into her, the woman pulled away and rushed to the sofa, snatching up the case.

"Kristina... I just... I'm so sorry."

She tucked the DVD into her towel the reached to wrap her arms around her, her breathing ragged as she held her close.

"It's okay. I'm sorry I let her in..."

"No honey, you couldn't have known..."

Pulling back, Kristina reached up to wipe a tear from a pale cheek, the color still gone from Parker's face.

"What is that?"

She gestured to the case and Parker grew impossibly paler.

"It's... Oh god. It's just something personal, okay? And I know it's confusing and probably scary and makes no sense, but I just need you to trust me when I say this is not something you need to see, and it's not something I want to share."

Her brow furrowed, suddenly wary of Parker's evasiveness.

"It's not relevant to our relationship, honey. Can you trust me on that?"

Tears were still drying on her cheeks, she still looked so fraught from dealing with her ex-wife  _(wife),_  Kristina's mind chimed in unhelpfully to remind her, it was difficult to push her further. 

"Of course I trust you."

Relief swam in brown eyes, though beneath it, was something else.


	2. Chapter 2

The subject of the DVD remained untouched. Life continued on, Parker enjoying her work at the state university, Kristina doing surprisingly well in her community college classes and feeling accomplished with the little bit of work she was doing for one of her father’s agencies.

It was out of sight but never far from Kristina’s mind. Even tonight, when Parker had made her feel like a princess, she found herself creeping back to that visit from Amanda, in the moments she was alone.

“Dean Mitchell, this is my partner, Kristina Davis.”

She snapped her dark eyes up to meet kind blue, reaching out to shake the offered hand, and trying to ignore the look of surprise on the older man’s face. She wasn’t sure if it was the fact that she was a woman, or the obvious age difference, but with Parker’s hand on the small of her back, the touch tender, she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sir.”

They shook hands, and made small talk a while longer before he drifted away, and she was able to turn her eyes back to her date.

“Did I mention that you’re beautiful?”

Parker flushed a pretty pink, and she was pleased with the reaction. The words were true, she was stunning in her fitted dark dress, her hair styled into smooth curls. They shared a chaste kiss, and something exploded in Kristina’s chest. It felt so good to be with her like this, to be open, honest… She tried not to think of the DVD and whatever Parker was so adamant that she didn’t want to share with her. Instead, she let herself get lost as they continued around the beautiful room, the university’s annual Fall Festival in full swing.

By the time the cool night air hit her as they stepped out of the building and into a waiting cab, Kristina was floating.

“I hope that wasn’t too boring…”

Parker leaned forward, her hair turned gold in the streetlights outside the cab window as she gave the driver their address.

“Are you kidding me?”

The wine they had shared, followed by the cocktails, set a pleasant buzz in her bloodstream. She leaned back against the seat, taking a pale hand into her own as they sped back towards the house.

“It was amazing, the décor, and the dancing…”

“And meeting the oh so exciting professors I work with…” Parker cut in, teasing.

Kristina couldn’t fight the giggle, her heart flying, buoyed by the mirth that was shining in the dark eyes she loved.

“I thought the Dean was going to start drooling, his mouth was open for so long!”

“Well, I imagine the fact that you’re not only a woman but a much younger and also incredibly beautiful, may have caught him a little off guard.”

Kristina felt her cheeks heat at the compliment, the sincerity in her words.

The ride back to the house was spent in a content silence from there, their fingers wrapped together on the seat. Leaving Parker to finish paying the cab fare she had insisted on getting, she opened the door. Stepping out into the night, she fumbled in her purse for the house keys before she started up the drive, intending to get the door open and wait for Parker there.

Passing the mailbox she paused, deciding to check the mail while she waited. Her heart missed a beat, a shot of adrenaline going right into her bloodstream as she saw what was inside.

Before she had time to think, to process, she was glancing back. Parker was still inside the cab, and she reached out, turning the case over in her hands, another disk inside, unmarked and oh so familiar.

“Krissie?”

She shoved it in her purse, slamming the mailbox closed, just as the click of heels on the path began.

“Any mail?”

She shook her head, instantly hating herself for the lie. The feeling only intensified when Parker leaned in to kiss her cheek, giving her a soft smile that left her feeling cold, wrong somewhere inside.

As she went through the motions of getting ready for bed, guilt weighed heavy on her, her mind never far from the disk sitting downstairs in her purse, and what it could possibly contain that Parker was so against her seeing.

“You’re awfully quiet, honey.”

Parker appeared behind her, dark eyes warm and soft in the bathroom mirror, and she tried to ignore her own, wide, and caught as they looked back at her.

“Just tired.” She smiled though her heart sank at yet another lie. She didn’t want this, the games and the dishonesty, but the disk was taunting her, and though she hadn’t officially decided what she would do with it, she knew she was tempted to watch. Whatever Parker was keeping from her scared her, and the cynical part of her told her it was better just to know, just to put her mind at rest, even if she never used the information.

Fingers traced a pattern on her hip while she finished taking off her make up, and she watched Parker in the mirror, noting something warm, soft, loving in her eyes as the woman studied her. None of it made sense, the amazing evening, and the secrets she couldn’t ignore. Shrugging away with an apologetic smile she headed for bed, hoping just to sleep, frustrated with herself and her insecurity over this, her apparent inability to get past it.

As the mattress dipped and the older woman slipped into bed beside her, she tried to steady her suddenly uneven breaths.

“Krissie…”

Her voice was so careful and kind, and more than she deserved. Turning to look at her, Kristina was reminded of so much, of all the times last year she had lost her and missed her, and they had been torn apart by not being honest.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but when… When Amanda came by that night…”

The words tumbled out, and Parker’s face paled.

“What about it?”

Kristina had never heard her sound so closed off, so defensive, and that scared her even more.

“I know you said it was no big deal, but what she said, about me having no idea what I was getting into, and that disk… I just… I don’t want to pry…”

“So don’t.”

Though they were delivered with a tense smile, there was a coolness to the words that was strange, completely foreign coming from the woman who had always been so warm to her, so supportive, nurturing.

“I’m scared.”

She let the admission fall out quietly.

“I’m scared of what you’re keeping from me, and as irrational as it is, I just, I hate the thought of secrets between us. We agreed to be honest.”

Parker stiffened beside her.

“I understand this must be difficult for you. Amanda showing up like that and that whole display, I do…”

She reached for her, and Kristina went willingly, relaxing slightly as Parker’s body pressed warm against her.

“Of course I want to be honest with you, I want us to be open and be able to discuss things, there’s just some things from my past that I’m not comfortable talking about, and I need you to understand that.”

And she did, she really did, but it just wasn’t that simple. This was more than some story she was refusing to share, there was still an ex-wife _(wife)_ , and those comments, and another disk in the mailbox, but she had no idea how to put all that into words.

“Please don’t look like that…”

Parker reached up to smooth her thumb across the creases in her brow, and looking up, Kristina could see the twin marks of worry reflected on the other woman’s face. That same sick feeling played in her stomach. This was going to hurt them, it was already hanging between them, at least for her.

“Trust me, honey, it’s not something you need to worry about.”

Parker leaned in to kiss her, and she tried to lose herself in it, a feat that had never been difficult.

“Things are good. You’re acing your classes and your job, my teaching is going well, we get to be together, every, single, day.”

Parker punctuated the words with kisses. It was so easy to forget all the turmoil that had been twisting in her stomach as plump lips moved to her neck.

***

She woke in a cold sweat. The world was still dark outside the window, and she was still naked from the lovemaking they had shared long after her attempt to talk was prematurely ended. Panic kept her breathing shallow, and Kristina pushed herself up on the pillows, telling herself over and over again that it was just a dream.

Images still flashed behind her eyes - Parker in trouble with the mob, Parker committing some heinous crime, Parker suffering through abuse that was all too familiar.

Ripping back the covers, she jumped to her feet, stumbling on leaden legs before she found her balance. She held her breath, watching as the older woman stirred, blonde hair turned silver in the moonlight, as she rolled over and then settled.

Pulling on the familiar ‘ _Teachers do it on the desk!’_ shirt that she knew was a gag gift from an old student, she left her sleeping girlfriend behind and padded down the stairs.

She couldn’t live like this. Her life was a series of secrets and lies and all the fallout that always lived between. Finally things were settling, becoming steady, stable, finally, things were good… more than good, amazing, and she just couldn’t lose this. She didn’t know if she could come back from discovering someone else she loved was part of a dangerous gang, or had some horrible, dark secret. She couldn’t come back from another wreckage, from losing Parker again.

Her fingers shook as she rifled through her purse in the dim light, opening her laptop and trying to click the little button to make the disk drawer pop open, it took her three tries. The little swirling circle icon taunted her as it loaded the file, her breath loud in her ears, her heart racing frantic as she sat on the sofa, waiting.

She was choking, indecision warring with guilt and fear, then the screen went black, an image appeared, and she was already passed the point of no return.

Illuminated by the glow on the screen she tried to understand what was unfolding in front of her. The soft click of heels was the only sound in the room on the video, Parker’s hands were tied together in her lap and she sat at the foot of an unfamiliar bed, eyes downcast. Something sick and cold crawled into her stomach as the clicking of heels on hardwood stopped, and Amanda was visible on the side of the screen.

_What the hell was going on?_ Parker’s ex-wife was wearing sheer thigh highs, held up by an honest to god garter belt, what looked like a black push up bra, and nothing else.

“You understand why you’re here?”

Amanda’s voice was loud through the speakers in the quiet of their dimly lit living room, and she hurriedly stabbed the volume key, turning it down, so preoccupied that she almost missed Parker’s reply.

“Yes, Mistress.”

Her blood turned to ice in her veins and she felt all of it rushing up her neck and to her cheeks, the only part of her that felt warm in the face of this discovery. _Was this some kind of joke?_

“Good. Strip.”

Kristina swallowed hard, watching the Parker in the video stand and struggle to pull tight jeans down her legs with her hands bound together in front of her, her eyes always on the ground so she could never see her face. Amanda stepped to the side, a long thin stick twirling slowly in perfectly manicured fingers, tipped in black.

Somehow, Parker had managed to free herself from her pants, stepping out and kicking them away, repeating the procedure with her panties, and Kristina was aware somewhere in her mind that she should stop the video, that this was crossing a line she couldn’t uncross.

As the woman on screen struggled with the first button on her button up, Amanda lounging now at the foot of the bed, an amused smirk tugging at her features as she watched. Kristina wanted to look away. Something was wrong here, whatever was happening was secret and sordid, but somehow fascinating. It was like a car wreck, wrong and grotesque and a little bit sad, yet somehow she couldn’t look away, embarrassed by the allure it held for her to continue to watch regardless.

Even half naked in front of someone else, Parker was beautiful. Her thighs slim and toned, an effect Kristina imagined to be due to her running. She looked younger somehow, fumbling with her buttons, arms bent at an odd angle to accommodate the fact that she was bound, far from the force of nature, so sure and established, that Kristina had always known her to be.

With the buttons undone, Parker fumbled uselessly, unable to get the shirt off past her bound wrists. For the first time she looked up, her eyes as dark as Kristina had ever seen them.

“You weren’t able to finish?”

_Of course she wasn’t_ … Kristina protested as she watched, no one could undress themselves with their hands literally tied. Beneath the thought, her mind spun, part of her balking away from this, from what it all meant, while another part pushed forward, brave and stupid and furious, eager to see this through to its end now.

“No, Mistress…”

Her voice was soft, but not the saccharine sweet kind of soft that so often addressed her. There was a darkness there that terrified her as much as it was familiar, a faded echo from some of their time together that finally, she could place. She had known Parker was holding something back, that there was a part of her that no matter how close they became, she was never allowed to see or touch; she had never expected it to be anything like this.

Amanda moved fast, four sharp clicks then she was across the room, a head taller than Parker who stood before her barefoot.

“Look at me.”

Parker did.

“I’m going to spank you now, and you’re going to count them.”

She could see that Parker’s breathing was ragged, hear it in her voice when she replied… _was she excited by that?_

“Yes Mistress.”

The last word was almost lost, as without warning Amanda lunged forward, a hand closing around the ties that bound the other woman. In one swift move, thanks to what looked like magic but Kristina suspected was a combination of practice, gravity, and use of body weight, she was sitting back on the bed, Parker face down across her lap, her backside bare for the world, and the camera, to see.

She winced as she watched rough fingers pull on blonde hair, yanking her head back and to the side, holding it there as a quick whistle and a loud slap left a thin red line across her previously pale behind where the cane had hit her. The violence made her jump, gasp, tears springing into her eyes and a panic clawing at her throat that she struggled to choke back down. Memories rose unbidden and she forced them away. That was another time, another life, and she knew she was safe now, with Parker.

“One.”

The word was yelped, and not for the first time Kristina wondered if this had been forced, if Parker was being assaulted.

The cane whistled again.

“Two”, was almost a scream, and Parker’s head was bowed again.

Slim fingers moved over reddening skin, rubbing, kneading the areas the blows had landed, before they slipped lower, shamelessly rubbing her. Kristina tasted her jealously, thick and bilious in her mouth, the jealousy that someone else was touching her more potent than her confusion at what the way they touched her meant.

“Do you like that?”

She didn’t hear Parker’s response, but it was obvious that she did. Another whistle and a slap rung, this time followed by a moan, long and low and guttural. It was raw, almost pornographic, and it was unlike anything she had ever heard from her girlfriend before. Insecurity nipped cold at the base of her spine – was she not good enough, was their love making not enough, did she pale in comparison to Amanda and all her roughness, her crassness and her cane?

“Ask me…”

Parker’s head was bowed, hanging down over Amanda’s lap, her voice inaudible on the recording now, but whatever she said must have been incorrect because another swift blow landed, then two fingers disappeared rough inside her.

This moment was private. It was dark and dirty and heady, it answered the question of what Parker had been hiding and replaced it with a million more. The women on the screen were spilling into a frenzy now, the slap of skin on skin, harsh gasps and long moans, as they galloped towards a crescendo that made Kristina dizzy. _Parker enjoyed this?_

The noises coming from the older woman were morphing into something more familiar now, sounds she could recognize, and she knew soon, her body would go slack with pleasure. What she couldn’t understand was how the pounding of Amanda’s hand against her skin, hard enough to leave it red and sore looking, was the thing driving her there.

Suddenly cold, bare save for the oversized shirt she wore, and confused beyond belief, she clicked the pause button, she didn’t want to see the end. Her dark eyes couldn’t help but linger on the image of her girlfriend on the screen, head back, eyes dark, her naked behind turned from smooth alabaster to a warm pink, ready to come undone. _Was this who Parker really was?_

“Do you feel better now?”

She startled at the interruption, almost dropping her laptop, her heart pounding against her ribcage as she whipped around. Parker was standing in the doorway, arms folded across her chest, the dim light of the laptop illuminating the shimmer of unshed tears in her eyes, her face unreadable.

“P-Parker?”

She stuttered out the word, caught, and totally unprepared. She wasn’t ready to face her, to address this, or even say it out loud. She needed time to think, to try to process, just to digest everything she had just seen and come to some sort of conclusion about what it meant for their relationship. _Was Parker some sort of kinky masochist? Was she hoping that one day she would treat her the way Amanda had? Hurt her?_

“Well?”

The word was toneless and it cut Kristina down to her core. The older woman had never been so cold, not even in the very beginning when misunderstanding was so rife between them.

She swallowed hard around the lump in her throat, willing herself to say something, anything, torn between guilt at prying and a million emotions about what she had found.

“I asked you to respect my privacy. I told you it wasn’t important to our relationship.”

Parker sounded tired, distant and so damn disappointed.

“It isn’t important to our relationship that you get off on being tied up and hit and tossed around like a rag doll?”

The worlds tumbled out, the pinwheel of her emotions finally halting their dizzying spin, anger being the default that rose up to save her from how lost she felt in the face of all this.

Parker was frozen, a statue in the doorway, brown eyes that were usually so warm, so full of love, were icy as they watched her. Wordlessly she disappeared.

It was stupid to cry, she knew it, yet as she swallowed again, thick tears in her throat refused to be forced down. Kristina set her laptop on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest, her forehead barely hitting them before the tears started to fall.

She felt stupid, the last to know, betrayed. She was confused by this new development and insecure over what it meant for their relationship, beneath the ache that came with feeling so distant from Parker, she was angry that she’d had to find out like this. She grappled with what the fact that Parker was apparently… kinky, meant. Part of her mourned the fact that the woman hadn’t trusted her enough to be open, yet a larger part of her wondered what her reaction would have been if she was.

“Kristina…”

The sofa dipped beside her in the dark. Though her voice had thawed some, strong hands didn’t reach for her like deep down she wished desperately that they would. Forcing her head up, she scrubbed at her eyes, not wanting to share her tears.

A pillow from their bed and a plush throw lay in Parker’s lap, her heart plummeted at the sight of them. Understanding, she swallowed hard, reaching out to take them without looking up, preparing to make herself at home on the sofa for the night.

“No…” Parker’s voice was rough, more broken than Kristina had heard it in so long.

“I’m going to stay down here tonight, you go get in bed, it’s warmer upstairs.”

She heard the words but somehow they didn’t register, she was too torn. She wanted to stand up and yell and demand an explanation, and she wanted to breakdown and cry because she didn’t know what this meant and it scared her. More than anything she hated the distance she could hear in the words, what it meant, spending the night away from Parker for the first time since they had moved into the house over a month ago.

“I think…” She could hear her swallow, feel the thought behind the words, everything between them careful now, measured. “We just need some space. We both need some time to process.”

Kristina was numb. All she heard was that Parker was sending her away.

A soft intake of breath beside her told her that she was about to speak again, and suddenly, it was more than she could bear. Pushing up off the sofa, arms wrapped around herself, she breezed out of the room, her feet carrying her as fast as she dared through the darkness until she sunk down onto their bed.

Parker’s pillow still smelled like her.

Alone, in the dark, confused, she gave in to the sobs that had been choking her since the minute she pushed play.


	3. Chapter 3

Her classes had passed in a blur that she was only half present for, still drifting, lost on a sea of emotions she didn’t know how to begin to sort through or understand. Parker had been gone when she’d woken that morning, her travel mug and briefcase’s absence reassuring Kristina that she had just left early for work.

A small note on the fridge in familiar swooping script had been her only salvation in an otherwise desolate day, _“Kris, Love you always, P.’_ She had folded it up and tucked it into her purse, bringing it with her, opening it to re-read the words more than once today, when her cell phone hadn’t displayed any messages or calls from her.

The screen in front of her went dark and she bumped her mouse again, bringing it back to life. Her economics assignment stared back at her as it had for the last hour she’d spent in the library. _Parker’s kinky._ She should have already caught her bus home by now, Friday being the only day Parker didn’t pick her up from school. _Parker gets off on pain._ She knew the other woman would wonder where she was when she arrived home to an empty house. _Parker liked being hit._

She ran her hands through her hair, frustrated, unable to quiet her thoughts, or make any sense of what she had seen on the disk. Of course she knew all about BDSM, well she had an idea. She’d seen those movies that her Mother thought none of them knew she had bought the collectors edition of. Sure they were hot, and Christian Grey was strange and sort of scary, and crossed lines that made her now ever-cautious brain whisper abuse, making her so uncomfortable she hadn’t been able to finish the set.

 _Was that what Parker liked? Was she some crazy messed up sex freak?_ Her automatic reaction was no. She was always so gentle, an attentive lover. She was so put-together, a professor for gods sake… Sex and power.

 _Oh my god…._ “Oh my god…”

A group of girls at a nearby table all looked up, glaring at the interruption, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

Taking a deep breath she tried not to let the waves of that revelation rock her. This was real, Parker was into this, the question was, how did she feel about that fact? She was still angry, hurt and betrayed, embarrassed that she had to find out like this, from Amanda of all people. She pushed passed that, trying to ignore the circumstances for now and focus on the issue, the fact that her girlfriend was apparently a sadist… _or was it a masochist?_

Opening up a Google tab, she began to type. Her cheeks turned red as she studied the results, clicking on an interesting looking webpage and falling down the rabbit hole.

As she read, anything and everything she could find about BDSM, kink , power-play, she turned everything over in her mind, realizing that right now she had so many questions, too many, and until she had answers it would be hard to figure out where to go from here. _Did Parker miss it? Had she hoped it would be something they would do together? Did she want her to hit her like that?_

The thought was enough to stop her, dredging up feelings she rarely acknowledged, let alone gave airtime to, so she shoved them down. She wouldn’t ever hit Parker, not for pain, not for pleasure, not even if she asked. She was absolutely certain of that.

Trying to distract herself she dove back into the fanfiction she’d been reading, one of her favorite lesbian TV couples pasted into a rewrite of a popular BDSM story.

When she finally looked up, odd anticipation in her stomach and an unexpected hotness between her thighs, it was almost 9pm.

“Crap.”

She packed up hurriedly, tugging on her coat and rushing out to the bus stop, trying not to replay scenes from the story as she waited. It was definitely erotic, she couldn’t deny her body had reacted to watching the women on the pages explore sex and power-play. She had realized quickly that although she could understand maybe a little bit why Parker liked someone to have power over her, she had no idea why Amanda got off on treating her like that, and it was clear from the video she had enjoyed it very much.

The late hour had meant the buses were infrequent, making it well after 10pm when she finally let herself in through the front door, sure Parker was probably already in bed.

Dumping her heavy book bag and purse at the foot of the stairs she debated going up to see her, but decided instead to make herself a cup of tea and warm up, give herself a little more time to think in case the woman was awake and wanted to talk.

Kicking off her heels, she padded down the hall in socked feet, pausing at the living room, the soft glow of the lamp spilling from the doorway.

Parker was there, propped up on the sofa, book in her lap, glasses still perched adorably on the end of her nose, head back and sound asleep. For the first time since Amanda stepped into their home, Kristina felt like she could breathe – Parker had waited up for her, or tried.

It was so easy to go to her, to perch on the cushions beside her and gently take the book from limp fingers, putting the bookmark between the pages and setting it on the coffee table. _God, she was beautiful, wonderful_. Kristina swallowed the lump in her throat, finally moving beyond her own selfish hurt and acknowledging to herself that she had hurt Parker too, ignored her request for privacy, even though she still believed she deserved to know.

Careful hands reached up slowly, sliding the glasses down her nose and gently taking them off to set aside. She was reaching for the throw on the back of the sofa when a warm hand caught her still-cold ones. She looked down to see dark eyes staring up at her, warm.

“Krissie…”

The word was breathy and soft, and all the coldness, the callousness of last night was gone, dissolved, leaving in its wake a familiarity that she had ached for in the last twenty-four hours. Parker had missed her, she could hear it in her voice.

“I’m sorry I didn’t want to wake you.”

She still sounded distant, formal, and she opened her mouth to try again, frustrated with her inability to just relax, to just take this moment and reconnect with her as she so desperately wanted to.

“Will you sit with me?”

The question was soft, and as soon as she nodded Parker tugged her down into her lap, guiding her head onto her shoulder. Slim arms wrapped around her and it felt like coming home.

“You’re cold, honey.”

She mumbled something about the weather, her nose buried in the crook of Parker’s neck, tears hot in her eyes because god it had only been a day but she had missed her. After the first year where she had longed for her constantly, going back to being away from her now after knowing what it was like to have her, it was torture.

Plush material settled over them, and Parker’s hands smoothed the blanket down over her back, before she was holding her close again.

“Are you okay?”

She didn’t know how to answer, but she swallowed and forced herself to try.

“I missed you.”

It was the most honest thing she could say.

“I missed you too, Krissie, so much… I’m so sorry.”

She felt the pressure of a kiss against her temple, and she could hear tears thick in the other woman’s voice. She held her tighter.

“I’m sorry too.”

Silence hung between them, not as easy as it usually sat, but nowhere near as strained as it had been last night.

“I know we need to talk, you must have questions, and I would like to explain, but do you think for tonight we could just… I just want to be with you… If that’s alright?”

Parker sounded so uncertain, so unlike herself, almost scared.

Reluctantly pulling back, she looked up into dark eyes shining with tears.

“Yeah, of course…”

She kissed her. Soft and sweet and slow, because how on earth could she ever wonder if Kristina still wanted to be with her. The kiss turned wet, salty, and she wasn’t sure which one of them was crying, so she just kissed her harder hoping the action would say everything she was still too scared to know how.

When finally they pulled apart long fingers reached up, wiping away her tears gently, before Parker did the same across her own cheeks. Dark eyes that knew her so well searched her own, and Kristina didn’t know what they found there, but eventually the silence between them broke.

“We should go to sleep, it’s late.”

Her heart plummeted, and it must have showed on her face.

“What is it, honey?”

God, Parker’s tone was so kind, so full of love that she couldn’t help but answer.

“I don’t want to sleep without you.”

She felt her cheeks color at the admission, but it was the truth. “Come up with me, please?”

Part of her protested, the part that felt betrayed and lied to and scorned by the surprise revelation of something very personal about her girlfriend, which she had to learn about from her ex-wife. The other part of her was too tired, desperate just to stay near her.

“Okay.”

The response was soft, and breathy, and something shone in dark eyes that looked oddly like hope. As she was lead up the stairs, Kristina released a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.


	4. Chapter 4

“Kristina, we have to talk.”

Parker appeared behind her, slim arms reaching around her shoulders and taking the necklace from her hands. Kristina tried not to shudder when cool fingers brushed her hair away from her neck, watching in the mirror as they fastened the clasp, and then dark eyes were on her own.

“I thought we were going out to dinner?”

The weekend that had stretched so pleasantly before her shimmered, threatening to shatter, their easy morning of ignorance fuelled bliss, ending abruptly as Parker shook her head.

“You’re on pins, honey. This isn’t something we can ignore long term.”

It was true. Though the day had been amazing, from waking up beside Parker to the mundane familiarity of their Saturday morning chores followed by curling up in the study for some combined grading/study time, her recent discovery still hung over her and sat heavy around her neck, suffocating.

“What do you want to say?”

She didn’t mean to be combative, but resigned to revisiting the issue that deep down she knew had to be addressed, she was back to anger fuelled by the shame that Amanda had been the one to tell her something so important about the woman she loved.

“Can we sit?”

She watched Parker through the mirror as she hovered, nervous again. Her thick blonde hair was curled into beachy waves, hoop earrings and just the right amount of make up left her looking beautiful, sophisticated in her tight red dress.

Moving past the other woman, wishing that they could have kept up the act just a little longer, gone for that dinner, stayed away from the issue that made everything that was so good between them feel so suddenly uncertain, she plopped down on the bed.

“Well?”

She was aware she was being petulant, childish even, but she was hurt, and struggling and couldn’t bring herself to approach this any other way.

The older woman sunk down beside her, graceful in heeled black pumps that made Kristina’s insides flip in a way she forced herself to ignore. _Did Parker even really want her like that? Was their love-making bland for her in comparison to what she had with Amanda?_

“I guess… I’ll start.”

Parker cleared her throat, smoothing her palms over the thin material covering her thighs, a nervous tell that Kristina recognized all too well.

“I’m sorry you had to find out like that. You deserved better than hearing second hand from Amanda, of all people. I did however, tell you that it wasn’t pertinent to our relationship. I asked you to respect my privacy, Krissie, and instead you did the exact opposite.”

Parker’s eyes were so round in that moment, dark and sad, hurt. It broke her somewhere a little inside, but rather than confront it, Kristina let her anger step in to save her.

“You think it’s not important to the person sleeping with you that you’re into some sort of kinky stuff?”

She opened her mouth to continue but Parker cut her off.

“If I never chose to disclose that to you, or asked you to participate in anything like that with me, then yes, I think it’s unimportant, and frankly private.”

She was all calm and careful and reasonable, and it irritated Kristina beyond belief.

“Excuse me for being upset, when my girlfriend’s ex-wife shows up here, taunting me about what I don’t know, then I find out you like to get tied up and hit… Not just like it, get off on it!”

Her voice shook, and she watched the words ricochet across Parker’s face like physical blows.

“And what would you have said if I had told you that it was something I had enjoyed with her? All this turmoil and upset, for what? It’s not something I ever planned to explore with you, Krissie. I put it away when we decided to be together, and I was happy. It was history, my personal, private history, that you pried in, despite my express wish otherwise.”

She was silent, momentarily lost for words in the face of the truth. She had done that. She had invaded Parker’s privacy, no matter what her intentions were.

“And as for Amanda, she’s trying to sabotage us, can’t you see that?”

Kristina swallowed hard, licking her lips before replying.

“It hurt to find out from her, she was so smug and happy to tell me she knew something about you that I didn’t.”

“We were married for six years, of course she knows me, intimately. I’m sure I don’t know everything about your past either, I definitely don’t know much about your relationships before me, and that’s fine because they are just that, past.”

Kristina studied her, watching the flush bloom on her cheeks, those dark eyes blazing and concerned. She grappled in her mind, trying to reconcile this Parker, so logical, so eloquent, the force of nature that crashed into her life and made everything make sense, with the woman in the video, bent over Amanda’s lap and getting off on being caned.

“I was worried you were in trouble. I thought maybe you made a bad deal, or someone was blackmailing you or… I don’t know what I thought.” She threw up her hands. “In my world, none of that is far fetched.”

She noticed her fingers were shaking. Parker must have noticed too, a firm grip closing over her hands, holding them steady.

“I understand that you were worried, and that Amanda showing up must have been confusing and intimidating, and I know she was taunting you. But I asked you not to watch it Krissie. I explained to you clearly that it wasn’t relevant, that it was private. I trusted you to respect that, and you just didn’t.”

She felt a fat tear spill down her cheek, another following it. Parker’s words were chastening but not unkind, and she felt like a child before her, caught.

“I’m sorry.”

The words were a whisper and she hung her head.

“Thank you.”

Parker’s acceptance of the apology sounded sad.

“Where did you get the disk? I tossed the first one in the trash, so I assume another came?”

“The mailbox, the night after the fall festival.”

She couldn’t even look at her. Gentle fingers tipped her chin up and Parker seemed to take this information in stride, her reply wasn’t angry as Kristina worried it might have been.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I know you feel like you had a right to know, but it was never something I ever wanted to bring up with you. I’ve led you astray enough.”

“Why do you always think that way?” Kristina cut her off. “I’m a grown woman, and I’m the one who wanted you, badly, ever since we met in class. I pursued you, you never led me anywhere, I got here all by myself and I’m happy. I want to be with you.”

She trailed off, removing one of her hands from Parker’s to run a finger under her eyes, thankful she had chosen waterproof mascara. When she looked up, Parker was watching her intensely.

“That’s how you see it, but the truth is Kristina I wanted you long before you propositioned me.”

Kristina’s heart dropped into her stomach at the words.

“The first day you walked into my class I couldn’t keep my eyes off you, and as I got to know you, it only became worse.” Her voice dropped to a whisper, “Do you have any idea how hard it was to say no to you that night?”

Butterflies flitted into life, spilling hot into her stomach as she watched Parker’s eyes smolder at the memory, knowing instantly she was talking about the first time she had offered to have sex with her.

“I had to report you to the board because it was the only way I could keep myself from taking you up on the offer, multiple times.”

Kristina’s breath hitched, catching in her throat, and she knew Parker noticed. Dark eyes watched her run a tongue across her dry lips, hungrily.

“My point is…” Her voice came out rough, and dark and it called to Kristina like a siren song.

Blinking hard, Parker cleared her throat and tried again, “My point is, you see it as you having pursued me, and wanted me, but the truth is Krissie, I have never, ever, felt desire like I did for you, and it terrified me. So yes, I wanted you, and yes I felt responsible for the way things turned out, not that I regret us being together, because you know, you are the best thing in my life. ”

The words hit her right in the chest, and Kristina felt tears well in her eyes again.

“So that was why you didn’t want to be with me? Because you like… that stuff, and you didn’t want to take me down that path?”

Parker swallowed hard, and she could see her steeling herself, bracing herself for whatever fallout she thought would come from the admission.

“That was a part of it yes. You were young, you are young, and innocent in so many ways. I didn’t want to be the person to take you any further off your path than I already had.”

Kristina took a deep breath, trying to buy herself a moment to let that admission settle.

“But once we were together why didn’t you tell me you like… that? Because you do like it, right?”

Suddenly she needed confirmation. Parker sighed.

“You watched the video, Kris. Yes, I like it, power-play, kink, BDSM. It’s something I’ve enjoyed for years, long before I met you. But that night at the hotel, the very first time, you showed me that vanilla sex could be even more powerful, and scared me to death in the process.” She seemed to smile at the memory.

“W-What do you mean?”

“Honey, you were the first person I’d made love to in a very long time. No games, just honest to god love-making, and that terrified me. How I felt about you terrified me. It still does some days.”

Kristina’s head was spinning, a million puzzle pieces that she hadn’t noticed were misaligned snapping into place before her eyes.

“That’s why you ran?”

Parker nodded.

“My marriage to Amanda was all but over. We were incompatible, as she told you, because by the end we were nothing more than our sex life, we had nothing left in common beyond kink. Meeting you, that night, it proved to me that there was more, that I could have more.”

She swallowed hard.

“Say something, Krissie, please…”

Kristina looked up through wet lashes, elated and rocked to her core by everything she had just learned.

“So you like getting hit?”

Parker paled.

“I wouldn’t phrase it like that, but there’s a very fine line between pleasure and pain, and yes, I find gratification in blurring that line.”

“So when we make love, it’s boring for you because I don’t… I couldn’t…” She stumbled over the words. She couldn’t hit Parker, she didn’t think she could ever hurt her at all.

“No, stop it. Look at me.”

Tears blurred her vision and she had to reach up again to wipe them away. _Was she not enough?_

“Kristina…”

Her name never sounded so good as it did coming from Parker’s lips. Gentle fingers tilted her chin up.

“You are never boring, and making love to you is amazing. This isn’t something you need to worry about, honey.”

Kristina swallowed hard.

“Yes, I enjoyed the lifestyle with Amanda, towards the end less, because for me it’s more than just sex and control, it’s about trust and love and a mutual desire to please which we just couldn’t find anymore. But what I have with you is better, it’s beautiful, you’re beautiful and I love our life, I love what we have.”

Kristina wanted to believe her.

“I was happy to give up that lifestyle, it was never even a question for me. I just wanted you, I had for so long.”

“So you don’t miss it?”

She was proud of herself for being able to choke out the question, though the fragile emotion faded as she watched Parker’s face fall slightly, before she could catch it and hide the slip.

“Honestly, some days I still think about it.”

“With Amanda?”

God, she was intent on torturing herself.

“No, of course not, never.” Parker sounded outraged at the thought. “Amanda and I are over, we have been for a long time. It’s you that I want, always. I need you to at least tell me that you know that?”

_Did she know that?_

“But I’m not what you want. I can’t…”

“Stop it.” Parker’s voice was suddenly firm, ringing with an authority Kristina hadn’t heard since she was a student in her class.

“You are everything I want, Kristina, everything. I told you, this was in the past, and it was always my plan for it to stay there.”

Careful fingers reached up, smoothing a stray lock of hair behind her shoulder and Kristina found herself leaning into the touch.

“This is why I kept this away. We were happy, and it doesn’t matter at all. You have no reason to feel insecure because it’s you that I love and you that I chose and I would do it again, every single time.”

Parker was smiling at her through her tears, and Kristina couldn’t help but smile back.

“If you have questions, I’ll answer them, and if you want to talk about it, you can talk to me about anything, always. But other than that, can we agree to put this to bed?”

Honestly, Kristina didn’t know. She wasn’t sure she could just forget this, but at the same time, everything made so much sense now. The way Parker explained it was so clean, clear cut, logical, yet in her mind it was messy, and for now, she just didn’t want to go back there.

“Okay…”

Her agreement was a whisper, and Parker smiled down at her in response.

“If you want to talk more we can, but I can’t stand to see you crying. If it’s alright with you, I’d really like to spend tonight making it up to you?”

The question was shy and Kristina almost rolled her eyes.

“I think I ought to be the one making it up to you…”

Parker shook her head.

“Tonight, Miss Davis, I’m going to treat you like a princess, and remind you exactly how important you are to me.”

Kristina felt herself blush crimson.

“And if you still want to, I’d like to start by taking you out for that dinner now?”

Caught in the gaze of those rich brown eyes, Kristina was powerless to do anything other than nod.


	5. Chapter 5

Somehow they had made it through _the talk_ , as she had taken to referring to it in her head, and life had continued on the other side. Parker was as attentive as ever, and though she was mostly over the way she had uncovered her past preferences, Kristina was far from over those preferences themselves.

To say she was obsessed would be an overstatement, but in most of her alone time she did continue to delve further into the online world of kink. She finished her fanfiction and by the end of the following week, had already devoured two more. Slowly, she was coming to understand the appeal, to recognize little pieces of it in herself. In the beginning she had been drawn to Parker for her looks, as well as who she was as a person, but even back then she had dreamed about the woman more than once, erotic dreams centering heavily on the fact that they were student and teacher – something she now recognized as an element of power play.

Waiting for the bus, having gotten out of her last class early, she idly imagined Parker pressed up against her, calling her a good girl like the characters in her stories. She flushed scarlet, glancing around glad there was no one there to see, before the heat in her stomach died as she realized for Parker, things would be the other way around. She couldn’t imagine herself doing any of the things she’d enjoyed reading about. _Pulling Parker’s hair, pushing her against a wall, telling her what a good girl she was and how much she wanted to_ … Her face felt nuclear hot and she couldn’t even finish the thought.

The bus arrived and she took a deep breath, hoping some of the blood might leave her cheeks, as she climbed up and paid her fare. She made it to a seat, sitting down as her phone buzzed in her hand, a reply to her message that she had finished early and didn’t need a ride later, arriving.

_Parker: Okay, be safe. See you tonight. Love you, always._

She sent back a quick heart emoji, knowing they amused the older woman and returned to her musings.

Parker had been so good to her all week, picking her up from school, always asking her about her day, and never prying into why she spent so much time with her nose buried in her laptop, or her phone. Things had settled back into the same easy routine they had been building before Amanda blew into their lives like a hurricane.

They were returning to normal, but Kristina knew she was different, changed by this new knowledge of her girlfriend, in a way she couldn’t turn back.

As much as most physical dominance made her anxious, and the thought of hitting Parker made her feel sick to her stomach, she _was_ curious about the rest. Her mind ran away with her as she stared out the window, remembering their shower on the night Amanda had visited, being on her knees, looking up into Parker’s lust-dark eyes, slim fingers insistent in her hair. She imagined the encounter just a little darker, pale hands pushing her down, plump lips parting to praise her, demanding that she continue to pleasure her.

Swallowing hard she caught herself, reminding herself that in Parker’s perfect world, she would be the one looking down, the older woman on her knees… Suddenly the scene had far less appeal for her, yet for Parker, she thought she could try.

An idea was growing, forming somewhere just out of view, and watching the world blur by out the dirty window, Kristina let it play in her mind. This was something Parker enjoyed, something she had even admitted she had to give up when they got together. The thought of her sacrificing anything for her was an uncomfortable one. While she knew she could never do to her what Amanda had, Kristina thought that perhaps she could try, and maybe a little bit would be better than nothing at all? At least Parker would know she had been willing to make the effort for her.

Looking up to figure out where the bus was on its route, she stood on a whim, ringing the bell and exiting while they were passing through town. Without giving herself too much time to think or second-guess, she typed a quick search into Google, and set off on the twelve-minute walk to reach her destination.

The little bell on the door tinkled as she entered, and eyeing the woman behind the counter dressed completely in black, piercings littering her ears and face, Kristina felt completely out of place. Pushing on she strode over to a shelf with purpose, balking as an array of weird leather masks _(and_ _were those gags?)_ stared back at her.

Smoothing her hair and trying to calm her racing heart and the blush on her cheeks, she tried another aisle, positive she was crimson as she stopped short at the huge dildo display in front of her. Of course she’d had a vibrator for a while, but nothing like these… _Was this the kind of stuff that Parker enjoyed? Weird masks and gags and scarily big dildos?_

She was psyching herself out, and she forced herself just to breathe, to find what she had unconsciously decided to come here for and leave. It took another two aisles before she found the handcuffs, relief washing over her as she’d been absolutely mortified at the thought of having to ask the assistant.

She picked up a pair, not really spending much time comparing the different sets. They were smooth silver, the metal cool and heavy in her palms, and somehow she preferred them to the various colored fluffy ones that were also for sale. Heading to the register she paused on a whim, grabbing what looked like a sleep mask, but was marked as a blindfold, too – she had read a scene with one in a fanfic and enjoyed it, and she was pretty sure she could handle it.

She dumped the items on the counter and fumbled through her purse for her card, beat red and unable to look the clerk in the eye.

“Don’t tell me. These are for a friend, right cutie?”

She laughed a watery laugh, looking up to find the clerk watching her. She swiped her card quickly, eager just to have this done. When her receipt and bag of items was handed over she noticed a phone number scrawled across the bottom of the slip of paper. Confused she looked up, only to be met with a wink from the woman who looked just a few years her senior. Twisting her face into what she hoped was a smile, she shoved the paper into her purse and darted out the doors, wondering if she looked like as much of a deer in the headlights as she felt.

The bus journey home seemed long, and when she finally stood as the bus reached the stop at the end of their street, she was nervous again. This had felt like such a good idea at the time, but when their driveway came into view, Parker’s sleek black car already there, she found her confidence waning.

Slipping through the front door, she tried to ignore her purchases, though she felt like they were burning a hole in the bottom of her book bag, where she had shoved them.

Following the sound of footsteps she headed up the stairs, stopping short at the sight of Parker, suitcase open on their bed, as she tossed clothes into it in a hurry.

“Oh, Krissie… Hi, honey.”

The woman crossed the room to greet her as she noticed her arrival, taking her into her arms and kissing her gently, so sweetly, that for a minute Kristina forgot all of her plans.

“I was starting to worry. You’d said you were heading home an hour ago…”

Big brown eyes were on her face, concerned, and she had to clear her throat to find her voice.

“Yeah, sorry, I just had to make a quick stop on the way…” She glanced around Parker at the clothes folded neatly in the suitcase.

“Are you getting an early start on your packing?”

Slim fingers squeezed her biceps, before reluctantly, they let her go.

“No, unfortunately there was some sort of scheduling mix up, turns out my lecture is tomorrow morning, first thing. Luckily I was able to get a seat on a red eye leaving tonight, so I ought to make it.”

She was busy folding, and Kristina watched her push a pair of heels into the case beside the clothes.

“Oh.”

Her disappointment rung like a gunshot in her voice and she could feel her face fall. She had thought they had more time. Parker wasn’t supposed to be leaving for her guest lecture until tomorrow, and she had so desperately wanted to be with her to tonight, to connect, to try to do this for her before they had to say goodbye.

“What’s wrong?”

The eyes that knew her so well were on her face, and she faltered. She could see the concern growing there, so she answered quickly.

“Nothing. I’m just going to miss you.”

The words were quiet, and suddenly she felt deflated, silly for thinking she could try to do what Amanda had once done for Parker, even a tiny piece of it.

“And I’ll miss you too.” Parker put down the clothes in her hand and came back to her, all her rush seeming to have faded in the face of Kristina being sad.

“I’ll be back on Sunday morning and I don’t have any lectures on Monday, so we can spend the day together then too, if you’d like?”

She nodded, trying not to panic as Parker took the heavy book bag from her shoulder, setting it on the floor so she wouldn’t have to carry its weight anymore, the contents that she knew were inside taunted her.

“Are you sure that’s all it is?”

She hesitated. There had been too many secrets lately, too many lies, and as embarrassed as she was, she wanted to be honest. Stealing herself, Kristina took a breath.

“Actually…” She tried to sound cool, confident, unaffected, but her voice came out ragged, pitchy with nerves. Ignoring it, she pushed on.

“I was hoping we could spend sometime together before you left tonight. I went to the store and I um,…”

Unable to finish, she bent down, digging in her bag until she produced the smaller plastic one. Walking to the bed, she dumped out the content and stepped back, watching the emotions flit across Parker’s face as she studied them.

“What are those?”

She sounded almost wary, though underneath it there was something else, something that Kristina struggled to place.

“I thought maybe I could um, use them on you, that maybe I could do that for you tonight.”

Her cheeks were flaming and her embarrassment was making it hard to breathe but she forced herself to hold Parker’s eyes.

The woman pressed three fingers to her lips, red nails digging into the soft flesh as her face cracked into a smile, then a laugh that she quickly swallowed down. Kristina felt tears prick the back of her eyes.

“Krissie, no honey, I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, I promise. God…” She ran a hand through her hair.

“Come and sit with me for a minute please?”

Warily, Kristina complied, sitting beside her on the bed, anger hot in her chest, because she had tried, she had wanted to do this for Parker, and apparently that was somehow funny? _Was it so laughable, the thought that she could ever be as in control as Amanda?_

Parker seemed to have gotten herself under control, though silence hung between them.

“Sorry, I’m just… I want to say this right.”

Kristina studied the comforter and wished it would just open up and swallow her and save her this embarrassment.

“Do you think you’d enjoy that? Dominating me?”

The question was a million miles from what she expected, and she fumbled the answer, stuttering before she managed a reply.

“I um, well, I could try?”

Parker touched her cheek.

“My sweet girl.”

She looked away, seeming to choose her words.

“And what exactly were you planning to do with those?”

_God, this was mortifying._

“Well, I’ve been reading and doing some research.”

Parker burst out laughing as she told her the name of the webpage she had been doing most of her factual research on.

“Oh honey, that site is terrible and a lot of the stuff on the there is nowhere near safe, sane, or consensual.”

Kristina huffed indignantly. None of this was going quite as she had planned.

“I’m not patronizing you, Kris.” Parker squeezed her hand, waiting for her to meet her eyes, and although she did, Kristina remained stonily silent, frustrated, that once again she had got all this wrong.

“You’re amazing, the fact that you did research and were willing to try for me, my mind is blown, it really is. But what were you hoping to achieve with these?”

Parker lifted the handcuffs, dangling them from one long finger.

“I don’t know, to maybe make you feel out of control the way Amanda did in the video, and then you’d… enjoy it like you had with her.” She could feel her temper rising.

Parker nodded.

“It’s about so much more than just feeling out of control, honey. It’s not about having your control taken away but voluntarily giving it up, giving yourself over to someone completely, trusting them implicitly to act in your best interests and for your mutual pleasure, does that make sense?”

“So I messed up again?” She went to stand, frustrated, suddenly wanting to be alone, but Parker held firm on her hand.

“No, Kristina, you didn’t mess up. What you did was prove that you’re an incredibly brave and compassionate young woman.” Her voice trailed off into a whisper, “I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you were willing to attempt this.”

Parker’s voice was so full of awe, that despite herself Kristina couldn’t help but return the smile being offered to her.

“If you want to explore this more it’s something we can discuss, but I’d like to be part of that exploration so I can guide you, at least. If you’re interested in this world, I’d like to show it to you, so I can show you the good and save you some of the crap.”

“I think I’d like that.” Kristina felt herself blushing, but Parker looked so happy that she couldn’t look away.

“I love that you want to try, but while I’m gone I want you to think about this, okay?”

Kristina opened her mouth to tell her that she already had thought about it, all week long, but Parker cut her off.

“I love you, I love our relationship and our life together, and this isn’t something I need. I’m satisfied with things as they are, and if we do explore this together, I don’t want you just to do it for me. You’re enough for me, exactly as you are, I need to know that you understand that?”

Dark eyes were searching hers and Kristina tried her best to believe the words, to let them sink inside her and become something she could take as fact. The sounds Parker had made on the video came back to haunt her. She had never heard her like that, so absolutely stripped bare, so raw, so undone, and in light of that she had a hard time believing that the woman didn’t miss it.

“Crap, I have to go if I’m going to make this flight.” She looked so forlorn at the thought of leaving. Equally sad at the thought of spending the next two nights without her, Kristina gathered all of her nerve and leaned forward and kissed her.

It was long and slow, and Parker’s fingers twisted softly through her hair. When they pulled apart the older woman groaned.

“We’ll talk more when I get home, okay? And I’ll Skype you from the hotel?”

“Sounds good.” Kristina gave her a genuine smile, that kiss somehow setting her world back on its axis, giving her the confidence to believe that one way or another they would figure this out.

Trying to ignore the ache in her chest at the thought of being away from her, she helped her girlfriend finish packing her things, offering to carry the small carry-on suitcase downstairs for her, though Parker utterly refused to let her.

They lingered in the doorway, having already kissed goodbye twice.

“I really have to go…” Parker laughed softly against her lips.

“You said that twice already”, Kristina replied.

“I love you, honey, be safe.”

Bags already in the car, Parker twisted a strand of hair behind Kristina’s ear, still stalling.

“I love you too.”

They shared one last, long kiss and Parker turned to leave, stopping herself again and turning back around in the driveway.

“Listen, Krissie… Before I go, there’s just… I have to tell you this.” She paused, hesitating, before she seemed to find her nerve, “I never wanted you to dominate me. Actually, ever since we met, I’ve had a hard time trying to stop thinking about the opposite.”

She smiled, a bashful, beautiful smile, that made Kristina’s heart hammer in her chest.

“Take care of yourself while I’m gone and we can talk more about it when I get back, okay?”

Kristina nodded, disarmed, caught totally and utterly off guard and floored by the admission.

With one last long, intense, look and a sad smile, Parker disappeared into her car. She watched, waving until it disappeared at the end of their street.

Parker didn’t want to be dominated by her.

_She wanted_ _to dominate her. Holy shit._


	6. Chapter 6

Saturday night had been a sleepless affair, torn between reading yet another fanfiction with avid interest, and turning their conversation before Parker had left over and over in her mind. For the first time since the move, Kristina really, truly missed home. She missed Port Charles, missed the familiarity of the place, the ability to pick up the phone and call someone for an instant distraction, a movie, drinks with Val, anything but the sweltering silence of the empty house.

Dark eyes flitted to the time at the top of her cell screen, again, almost 10am. Parker would be home anytime. Their communication while she was gone had been minimal thanks to her busy schedule, most of it PG, but there was a playfulness to the older woman that Kristina loved as much as she was unnerved by.

The story she was currently reading was open on the screen, but she didn’t see the words, lost in her thoughts again. Ever since the admissions, _Parker had wanted her first, Parker had struggled to say no to her when she propositioned her, Parker wanted to dominate her,_ she was torn in two. Part of her was reveling in it, and after her reading and near-constant daydreams, she was definitely interested in exploring some of the things from her stories that she couldn’t deny had become personal fantasies for her. Another part of her was absolutely terrified by it all.

_Parker wanted to dominate her._ The thought was sexy, she could lose herself in it, a million scenarios playing out in her mind that made her cheeks and the pit of her stomach burn like wildfire. Yet there were other scenarios, Amanda with the cane, some of the punishment scenes she had read, the red marks left on Parker’s skin. They made her blood turn to ice, sent anxiety clawing at her insides, tearing her apart, so much so that she had to skip ahead in the book to avoid them. _Did the fact that Parker wanted that with her mean that she wanted to punish her, to hit her, to hurt her?_

She jumped as a key snicked in the lock, hitting her knees painfully on the table as she stood, guiltily closing the browser on her phone and heading for the front door.

Relief swept through her at the sight of Parker in the hall, suitcase in hand, golden hair mussed by the wind, and brown eyes full of warmth as they found her.

“Hi…”

It took everything she had not to run at her, because god, she’d missed her. Somehow in her presence all of this seemed better, it seemed like it could work, like they’d be okay. Alone, she was left to replay all of her secret fears over and over like a horror reel in her head, until she was tormented and anxious to the point that it made her feel ill.

“Kristina…”

Her name sounded like relief and letting her suitcase fall, Parker crossed the space between them in three easy strides. Cold fingers cupped her face, pulling her in and she went easily. Parker’s lips on her own were a balm over her fears. She let herself relax, getting lost in the feel of her, the familiar taste of her favorite brand of lipstick.

“How was your flight?”

The question was breathless as they pulled apart, though she still clung to the lapels of the woman’s coat, not quite ready to let go yet.

“Far too long.”

Slim fingers slipped to the nape of her neck, and Kristina could feel them buried into the hair there.

“How was your weekend?”

“Also far too long.” She shrugged as she replied, letting just a hint of suggestiveness color her tone. The weekend _had_ been long, and a good portion of it had been spent with some very steamy reading material, making her all the more happy that Parker was home.

“Is that so?”

The woman caught her tone, her own voice dropping an octave in response and Kristina nodded.

“Come to bed with me?”

The words fell out on impulse, breathy and excited, though as she reached up to push Parker’s coat from her shoulders her fingers shook. She tried to ignore it.

“Why Miss Davis, that’s awfully forward of you.”

Kristina loved her like this, she seemed so carefree, so playful, so much lighter than all the months when they had struggled in the beginning trying to pretend they didn’t want each other, desperately. Like this Parker seemed free, and she couldn’t help but play along, despite the nerves gnawing at the pit of her stomach – _would Parker want to do kinky stuff with her right away?_

Pushing the thoughts away she forced herself to reply, not wanting to tank her girlfriend’s good mood.

“Well, Miss Forsyth, I’m a woman who knows what she wants.”

“And what is that exactly?”

Though she let go of her to remove her coat, Parker’s eyes stayed on her, suddenly a shade darker, intense, boring into her and giving that question so much weight. Something in Kristina’s stomach flipped.

“You…” The response was quiet but honest, and when she tugged her towards the stairs, Parker followed easily.

As soon as they crossed into their bedroom, Kristina turned, shaking fingers struggling with the first button on Parker’s blouse, her heart beating hard. She had no idea what to expect from this.

Pale hands closed over her own.

“Krissie… not that I’m not thrilled you’re so eager, and not that I don’t want this, but is everything okay?”

She paused, frustrated, just wanting to continue and find out where this was going before she lost her nerve. Of course Parker would notice something was wrong.

“You’re shaking, honey.”

Her voice was soft, and kind and laden with so much concern that it dissolved Kristina’s irritation at the interruption, washing it away like rain. She looked up at the older woman, unsure how to explain how she was feeling.

“What is it?”

A frown creased Parker’s brow, and she looked away embarrassed.

“Well… I’m just a little nervous. I wasn’t sure if we were going to do, um… stuff.”

“Do you want to do… stuff?” Parker sounded a little surprised by her assumption, though she could hear the amusement in her voice at her choice of wording.

She shrugged.

“Honey, I just want to make love to you. I missed you and I want you. Besides, we have so much still to discuss before we even consider doing _stuff_ , as you call it, especially if it makes you this nervous.”

Kristina swallowed hard.

“I think that maybe I might like it though, the… stuff.”

_God, she couldn’t even say it._

She could see Parker’s reaction to the words in her eyes. Those dark orbs were blazing.

“I’m not going to lie and tell you I’m not happy to hear that, but _stuff_ is a very broad term. If we were going to do this we’d have to talk more so I’d know what you like and what you don’t, know what your limits are and you would know mine.”

“You have limits?”

She didn’t mean to blurt that out loud, but after the video, watching Amanda effectively beat her with a cane, she had been under the impression that Parker was pretty far into all this. Luckily the older woman just laughed off her question, not taking offense.

“Yes, Krissie, I do.”

She let her mouth form a silent ‘oh’, looking away, embarrassed again – _would she ever stop sucking at this?_

“Do you want to talk about all this now? Because if not I’d really like to put your mouth to better use.”

Surprise and arousal jolted through her like lightning, sending heat spilling through her, skittering into her veins and down to the apex of her thighs at a rate that was staggering. That was the most forward Parker had ever been with her, and surprisingly it made her ridiculously hot.

“I don’t want to talk right now.” Her reply was breathless, she was sure she was already flushed, the effects the words had on her painted on her face.

“Good.”

There it was again, that dark tone, and Kristina had no time to dissect it any further because Parker surged forward and captured her lips. Something dark lived inside that kiss, the way her tongue pressed insistent against her lips, slipping into her mouth, slicking over her own, claiming. Cold fingers worked to pull her shirt over her head, making quick work of her jeans and peeling them down her legs tossing them on the floor before her bra and panties followed.

When Kristina stood in just her underwear, Parker seemed to slow the assault on her mouth, giving her a moment to stop her head from spinning, and help the other woman shimmy out of her clothes.

“Lie on the bed.”

That wasn’t a request. _Holy crap_. Stumbling a little bit, Kristina rushed to comply, laying her head on the pillows, her chest rising and falling rapidly, anticipation leaving her breathing hard.

“You’re so beautiful, sweetheart.”

There was the Parker she knew. Though the words were richer, somehow darker than she was accustomed too, as hungry eyes roamed her body from the tips of her toes to her scarlet cheeks, and she felt a little less scared. The woman moved to join her, and Kristina swallowed hard as she realized she had slipped back into her heeled pumps after taking off everything but her underwear.

Parker’s body settled over her, all lean muscle and smooth skin. Lips attacked her neck, kissing her pulse point, nipping softly at the sensitive skin below her ear before a tongue slicked trail right down her throat, making her shudder.

Fingers were already playing, strumming up and down the sensitive skin of her sides, and when Parker pulled away, all the stimulation stopping too abruptly, she moaned pitifully at the loss.

“You really want to try?”

She hadn’t expected the question, but brave somehow now, she nodded.

“You can say stop at any time and I will stop immediately, do you understand?”

She nodded again, feeling her cheeks heat, but forcing her eyes to hold her girlfriend’s, knowing that Parker needed to believe her if this was going to go any further. Seconds passed, the moment hanging between them, and she could feel the weight of it, heavy over their heads, and she knew Parker was deciding.

She leaned down, and the next words were dropped hot, lips tickling the shell of her ear.

“I’m going to show you just a little, I expect you to be honest with me and ask me to stop or tell me if you don’t like it.”

Her head spun as she breathed out her reply.

“Okay.”

“Yes, Miss Forsyth.”

Parker’s voice was low and husky, rough against her skin as she prompted her with the response she expected, “We can work up to Mistress, if you decide you feel comfortable with it later.”

Kristina took a deep breath, trying to ignore the bashfulness that suddenly sprung up to swallow her – _this was really happening_ – before she responded.

“Yes, Miss Forsyth.”

Parker’s pupils blew at the words, brown spilling into inky blackness, a shuddering exhale catching Kristina’s bare chest as she looked down at her, goosebumps springing up in its wake.

“Good girl.”

She had heard those words from Parker’s mouth a hundred times in her daydreams over the last week, but nothing could have prepared her for how they sounded in real life.

Thankfully, she didn’t have much more time to think, to feel suddenly shy. Parker dipped her head, silky hair tickling her skin as she kissed her way across her collarbone, back up her neck and settled on her lips. Her hips ground down hard against her, pinning her to the bed.

“Does that feel good?”

With Parker’s gaze on her, she felt her cheeks heat again, her lips parted, eyes hooded, already lost, her world turned hazy with the pleasure she found in the older woman touching her like this.

“Yes…”

Fingers that had been caressing her skin tweaked her nipple hard. Though it wasn’t quite painful it made her jump, shocking her out of her sex induced stupor. Dark eyes were watching her intently, searching her face for something Kristina didn’t understand, until suddenly, it clicked.

“Yes, Miss Forsyth.”

Her cheeks flamed beet red as she corrected herself, but as Parker leaned down, covering her lips with her own, it was worth it.

The woman slid off her, laying beside her, a hand ghosting across the flat plane of her stomach and lower still, over her hipbones and up the inside of her thighs, touching her everywhere but the place where she absolutely ached to be touched.

Fingers twisted gently in her hair, and Kristina groaned as the hand trailed higher again, teasing her nipples into stiff peaks, tracing the dip of her waist, nails scratching lightly across the swell of her hips. She was burning up, desperate, everything in her stomach already wound hot, tight, from the sensations Parker kept spilling over her. Nobody had ever played with her like this, teasing her, knowing her body well enough to set her on edge, and leave her so absolutely achingly wanting.

“Do you want me to fuck you, Kristina?”

Parker’s voice was liquid sex, and her insides clenched in response, because somehow, the curse, the crassness, only made her want this more.

She nodded, her tongue moving to wet her dry lips. A gasp ripped from between them as fingers pressed unexpectedly against her, pushing her thighs apart, covering her, the hand in her hair tightening so her head was pulled back ever so slightly. Bare, open, vulnerable, she looked up into Parker’s eyes.

“Use your words.”

“Yes, Miss Forsyth… Please.”

A finger pushed into her in reward, and she cried out, the noise being swallowed into a kiss.

“Like this?”

The question was dark, demanding, as the digit withdrew before Parker pushed into her again, the heel of her hand bumping against her clit sending sparks skittering across her skin.

She was lost, floating, slipping into a headspace that was unfamiliar, but not unwelcome. Parker was in control now, and somehow that made it easier for her not to think, to let go of her bashfulness, her shyness and embarrassment, and just react honestly.

“Oh, yes.”

Parker leaned down to kiss her, hard.

One finger was replaced with two, curling deep inside her, rubbing against her, filling her, and she felt everything clenching, fluttering, and she was already close to the edge.

“My good girl…”

Her voice was dark and heady, sinking into her consciousness like liquid smoke.

“Are you going to come for me, honey?”

Parker must have sensed her impending orgasm because the fingers inside her slowed, the pressure on her clit letting up just enough for her to pull herself back, squeezing her thighs around her hand and trying to get her body back under control. She nodded.

Fingers curled inside her and she keened, her head back against the pillows the sound long and pitchy and broken. Surprise swallowed her when Parker’s free hand grabbed both of hers, holding them gently above her head against the pillows.

“Look at me, I want to watch you.”

She forced her eyes up to her face and suddenly the hand between her legs was moving again, building her up, the grip around her wrists, loose as it was, somehow only intensified the feeling.

“You’re mine, Kristina.”

Parker looked down at her, her breathing ragged too, her eyes so dark and more alive than Kristina had ever seen them... “Say it.”

“I’m yours.”

She was coming undone, spilling towards the edge again, and the anticipation, the wondering if this time Parker would let her fall was only pushing her faster, higher, harder.

“You’re so beautiful like this.” Parker panted out the words.

Everything in Kristina clenched tight.

“Come for me now, honey.”

And she did. A gloriously, long, hard orgasm ripping through her sending her body bowing off her bed, back arched. Two fingers stayed deep inside her, drawing every wave of pleasure out, making her blood sing and her toes curl, Parker’s name on her lips. She had never experienced anything like that, and finally coming down, aftershocks still rocking her, she was embarrassed that tears were in her eyes.

“I’m fine, I’m fine!” She rushed to reassure the other woman who was already pulling out of her, making an embarrassing whimper escape her at the loss, “That was good, amazing… I don’t know why I’m suddenly teary…”

Relief washed over Parker’s beautiful face.

“It’s just an endorphin crash, come here, honey.”

She pulled her close and Kristina curled into her chest, breathing in her familiar scent as long fingers took her wrists, rubbing it carefully, gently.

“You didn’t hurt me.”

Parker pressed a kiss to the inside of her palm.

“Good, I didn’t want to, but aftercare is important, and it’s nice. I like taking care of you.”

The admission was almost shy, and Kristina leaned up to kiss her gently on the corner of her mouth.

“I like it too.” She blushed.

Safe in Parker’s arms and still riding the high of the hands-down most incredible orgasm of her life, somehow it was easy to speak frankly.

“What happened to us having to talk first?”

Parker pressed a kiss to her other hand and then laid it back by her side.

“Mostly you, being your usual beautiful, absolutely irresistible self, and the fact that you said you would try. I’m only human, Krissie, and that was a temptation even I couldn’t resist.”

Kristina smiled, pride swelling in her chest at the words, the fact that Parker wanted her as much as she wanted the older woman.

“But we do have to talk though… If you want to explore that further, that is.” She looked suddenly insecure.

“Are you kidding me? That was sort of amazing, I’ve never…”

She trailed off embarrassed.

“Come that hard before?”

They shared a laugh as she nodded. A content silence settled over them, and Kristina closed her eyes, drifting pleasantly, feeling safe, warm, totally at home in Parker’s arms. She felt the woman shift beside her, hearing the soft thud as she kicked off her heels.

“Want to take a nap?”

She stretched before she agreed, glad for the opportunity to recover from not only the amazing sex but her sleepless night previously.

“When we wake up, if you like we can talk a little more about _stuff_ ”, she could still hear the amusement in Parker’s voice at that word, “And what you enjoyed so far as well as both our limits.”

“Okay.”

Kristina pressed closer to her, her head resting comfortably in the crook of Parker’s neck, warm thanks to the throw the woman had pulled around their bodies. That hadn’t been bad at all, it had actually been good, well… amazing. Maybe all her worrying was for nothing, or maybe this was just the start, but eventually Parker would want to go further?

Soft breaths tickled her ear, evening out and she could tell the other woman was close to sleep. Suddenly anxious again, she spoke.

“Parker?”

“What is it, sweetheart?”

The reply was slightly slurred.

“I think hitting, or spanking, or any kind of… striking is a hard limit for me… I… Is that okay?”

She hated the waver in her voice, how small she sounded, and she felt Parker tense against her for a moment, before she relaxed again.

“Of course it is, honey, everything is totally your choice, I’ll never ask or want to do anything with you that would make you uncomfortable.”

Relief washed over her, and for the second time that morning, Kristina felt tears in her eyes. _How had she been so stupid as to believe Parker would ever hurt her?_

Blinking them away, she snuggled closer, nuzzling into the woman’s neck, enjoying her nearness, letting it soothe her. She was almost asleep when Parker broke the silence again.

“Krissie…” Her voice was tentative, careful. “Is there a reason that any kind of striking, is a hard limit for you?”

Panic flared in her chest as she was shocked awake. She wasn’t ready to have that conversation, to go there, not right now when she was so happy, so safe. She just couldn’t think of _that_ , but she owed it to Parker, to be honest.

“Yes…” Her voice shook and she hated herself, hated how deep down, this still affected her.

Slim arms squeezed her tighter, soft fingers playing with her hair, a jagged exhale kissing her skin.

“Okay…” The word was a whisper before Parker seemed to collect herself. “Let’s sleep now, honey, I’ve got you.”

She closed her eyes, hot tears falling against Parker’s neck, though if the woman felt them, she didn’t say anything. Instead, she held her, rocking her slightly, and Kristina had never felt so safe, so loved and protected. She had also never felt as guilty for prying into Parker’s past as she did in that moment, now that she had something she wanted very much to keep private in her own.


	7. Chapter 7

She leaned against the doorframe, content to watch for a few minutes. Parker’s hair was pulled back, high on her head in a ponytail, her reading glasses perched on her nose, her pen moving back and forth over papers.

Their Monday had been uneventful, a welcome extra day just to be together after their time apart over the weekend.

“You’re hovering, honey.”

Parker didn’t even look up, but Kristina couldn’t help but smile.

“You caught me.”

She crossed the room, moving to stand behind Parker’s desk chair, leaning down so her chin could rest on a slim shoulder.

“Finally finished my assignment and just wanted to see how you were doing with your grading, professor?”

The title was playful, and she could feel Parker’s cheek move against hers as her face broke into a smile. Looping script wrote one last comment, and then the pen was set down.

“Particularly tedious today, but that might have something to do with the fact that I’d much rather be spending time with you.”

The comment made Kristina blush.

“That can be arranged.” She purred the words, pressing a kiss to Parker’s cheek, content after yesterday was such a success.

“You…” Parker reached over her shoulder, taking hold of Kristina and pulling her around the chair, “Miss Davis, are absolutely insatiable.”

Tugged down into the woman’s lap, Kristina let herself go, wrapping her arms around Parker’s neck, making herself comfortable in front of the desk.

“Can you blame me?”

She smoothed back a strand of silky golden hair, enjoying how cute, _and crazy sexy_ , Parker was in her reading glasses.

This time it was the older woman’s turn to blush. Kristina just watched her, twisting her fingers in the ends of her hair, luxuriating in her embrace. Being with Parker like this, was her honest to god idea of bliss.

“Seems you brought it up, I did print off some documents that might help when we have the talk about limits, if you’re still interested in including _stuff_ in our relationship.”

Kristina pushed her arm, playfully, as she teased her over her word choice, again.

“Will you ever let that go? I mean… What am I even supposed to call it?”

Parker caught her hand and kissed her knuckles.

“Well, some people call it BDSM, Kink, power-play…”

She could feel her cheeks turning red at the mere mention, and knew Parker was struggling not to laugh.

“Shut up.”

She buried her face in the soft skin of her neck, ducking her head to escape those dark eyes while she tried to force the color out of her cheeks, wondering if she would ever get used to this.

When she straightened up, slim fingers were holding a few sheets of paper, printed lines with some sections highlighted, and others crossed out.

“Wow… you really came prepared.”

Kristina tried to hide the surprise in her voice, though she wasn’t sure she was successful.

“Yesterday was a one time thing, I just got carried away with you. If we’re going to do anything like that again we need to have everything worked out first.”

Parker sounded serious, so she did her best to get over the embarrassment that still plagued her about discussing this, and took the papers.

“Most of these aren’t even necessary because they’re way too far, but I crossed out my hard limits and highlighted a handful of things for you to consider.”

Kristina’s eyes tracked the lines, and she forced herself to keep her breathing steady.

“I thought the things in green would be good options for us to explore to start, if you still want to.”

“Right.” Her voice wavered, but she carried on reading.

The items with a single neat line scratched through them, Parker’s hard limits, made her balk, and she was glad the woman didn’t want anything to do with things like that.

_Acts involving fire, acts involving animals, fisting, acts that leave physical scars, acts involving third parties, acts involving urine, acts that draw blood._

Kristina felt herself turn pale at that last one.

“Take your time, honey.”

Parker must have felt her tense. Steeling her nerves, she tried to focus instead on the items highlighted in green, the things Parker was interested in doing with her.

_Being verbally commanded, being blindfolded, being restrained, being dominated subtly in a public place, feeling used, feeling owned, rough sex, orgasm denial, orgasm as a reward._

Kristina took a deep breath. That was… _hot,_ and overwhelming and once again she was totally at war with herself, trying to reconcile her own insecurity with the reactions she could already feel in her body, at just the thought of Parker doing any of those things to her.

For her part the older woman was silent, patient, and Kristina knew she was waiting for her to say something. It was strange, Parker the professor, with her cute reading glasses and her polite business suits, and then Parker who wanted to dominate her, with her list of _stuff_ that made Kristina’s head spin.

“If you need more time you could take the list and think…”

She could hear the insecurity in Parker’s voice so she cut her off. She didn’t need more time. She wanted this.

“No, it’s fine, everything’s fine. I um…” _God she needed to get a hold of herself_ , “I like those… The ones you picked out I mean… I want to try.”

She was beet red again, and this constant blushing, blood rushing across her chest and up her neck was making her ever so slightly light headed.

When she raised her eyes a light flush had settled across Parker’s cheeks too, and her eyes were inky dark. Kristina’s insides clenched in response because she knew that look, she knew what desire looked like on those beautiful features, and it stared back at her now.

“I don’t think we really need a safeword, I don’t want you to have to worry about remembering it.” Parker’s voice was rough, thick and gravelly and Kristina worried her bottom lip between her teeth, surprised by the onslaught of want it inspired in her.

“You can say red, or just tell me to stop, and everything we are doing halts immediately, and then it’s up to you if we continue with the scene, or we stop altogether.”

“The scene?” She couldn’t help but be curious.

“Sorry…” Parker shook her head. “I forgot. It just means when we interact together in that way, with me in a position of power and you in a more submissive role. When we play.”

Kristina knew her eyes had gone wide, and blinking hard she caught herself, fixing her expression into something she hoped was more neutral.

“Does all that sound okay?

She nodded and Parker smiled, a smile that she couldn’t think to describe as anything other than slightly predatory.

“If you want, I’d really like to tell you more about the night you propositioned me, from my point of view?”

There was that voice again, rich and smooth and spilling through all the cracks this side of Parker made in her, sinking into her skin. She nodded, watching her slip the glasses off her nose, depositing them on the desk before she leaned back in the chair, tipping Kristina back slightly, where she perched in her lap. The contact where the back of her thighs met the tops of Parker’s, was already burning.

“It’s been really quite unfair of me. All this time, letting you believe I didn’t want it just as much.” Pale fingers traced up the front of her shirt, and she gasped when they settled firm over her breast, kneading her through the material, as she continued to speak.

“You were so nervous… Inching closer to me all night, holding my eyes.”

Dark eyes held hers now, captive, and Kristina was powerless to look away.

“You were so beautiful, bright and sharp. Something just clicked when we talked, and it was so easy to forget myself and end up wanting you.”

She moved to the other breast, and Kristina tugged in a shuddering breath in response. Something about hearing it from Parker’s point of view was erotic, and her body was responding in kind.

“I looked forward to seeing you in class, and part of me was glad when you kept doing poorly because it meant more study sessions, though I couldn’t understand why. You were obviously beyond capable.”

She laughed to herself and Kristina watched her, spell bound, as her tongue darted out to trace along a full bottom lip.

“And then you said it.” Parker’s voice was low and thick and her dark eyes danced. “You offered yourself up to me just like that, and god… I almost said yes.”

Something about her tone, the way her hands laid claim across her chest, sinking lower now over her stomach and tracing the inseam of her jeans, it tugged Kristina into a different headspace, transporting her back to that night.

“Do you remember what you said?”

Her throat was dry and she nodded. Parker leaned in close, kissing the shell of her ear softly before she whispered her own words from that night back to her, her lips tickling her ear sending goose bumps springing up across Kristina’s skin.

“I have never been so tempted in my life, never wanted something as much as I wanted to say yes.”

Fingers pressed against her, rubbing her through her jeans and Kristina’s eyes slipped closed, her body already, hot, tight, needy.

“Stand up.”

The hand pulled away and Parker helped her to her feet, pushing her forwards against the desk and reaching around from behind her to lay her hands flat on its surface, purposefully.

“Keep these here.”

She kissed her neck, and Kristina shuddered, her breath coming ragged as slim arms wrapped around her hips, fingers working on the button of her jeans, the length of the woman’s body pressed against her back.

“It took every single little piece of me to walk away from you, Kristina, when all I wanted to do was this…”

With the button undone and the zipper down, cool fingers slipped into her jeans, into her underwear, and between her legs.

“Do you feel that?”

Her head was thrown back, her ass grinding into Parker as she struggled to stay standing, to keep her hands on the table, fighting the urge to lean back into the woman.

“You’re so wet for me, Krissie, and you would have been that night too.”

Her heart beat hard. There was something dark in Parker’s voice, and it dragged her under, a gasp spilling from her lips as fingers circled her.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamed about this, about that night, how different it all could have been if for once, I would have just let myself give in, and bent you over that desk.”

Parker’s other hand snaked up her shirt, pushing into the cup of her bra, fingers rolling her nipple, and Kristina’s hips bucked against the hand in her pants.

“That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

“Yes…” The word spilled out, half moaned on an exhale.

The fingers that had been rubbing her stilled instantly.

“Yes what?”

Parker demanded, and the answer was easy now, because she wanted nothing more than the please her, and another amazing orgasm like the one yesterday.

“Yes, Miss Forsyth.”

She yelped in surprise when rather than spurring the woman on, the correct answer seemed to drive her away. Parker moved around her, removing one hand from the desk, stepping between her and it and perching on the edge.

“Show me what you would have done to pass my class.”

Kristina’s heart missed a beat, adrenaline spilling into her bloodstream, the combination of nerves and arousal making a heady cocktail.

“Yes, Miss Forsyth.”

She dropped to her knees, looking up at Parker through her lashes, watching her nostrils flare in response. It was clear that she loved this, and Kristina loved that finally, she was able to give it to her, share it with her, enjoy it with her.

She hooked her fingers into the waistband of her girlfriend’s pants, thankful she had chosen today to wear yoga pants. The stretchy material slid down easy, along with her panties, and she set them aside.

Parker was breathing hard above her, eyes already half closed, as she let her fingers slide up from her knees to the inside of her thighs, pushing her legs apart, pausing for a minute just to look at her, to drink her in like this.

“Show me, honey…”

Her voice was softer, her need bleeding through, and Kristina surged forward in response, tongue slicking over already drenched flesh.

Parker’s fingers fisted in her hair, holding her in place, and she lost herself in the sounds the woman was making, low moans and soft whines. She whimpered when she licked her, and hissed when carefully, she grazed her with her teeth.

“Use your fingers.”

It wasn’t a request. She complied, pushing in one then two, pausing her mouth’s assault to look up and watch the reaction play across Parker’s face. Her jaw was slack, head back, eyes closed. Kristina tried to commit the sight of her to memory, before she lowered her head again, and focused on making her feel as good as she had felt the previous morning.

The body she knew so well tightened, turning firm under her touch, hips moving with her mouth as she pushed her closer and closer. When Parker came it was with a moan louder than any she had ever heard, a hand still holding her down on her knees. She stayed there obediently, licking and sucking at her gently until finally the shaking subsided, and the grip that was holding her relaxed.

“Stand up.”

It was still a command, but it was softer, and she struggled to her feet, her knees aching a little from being on the hardwood floor.

Parker pulled her in and kissed her hard, pushing her tongue into her mouth. Kristina was sure she could taste herself in the kiss, and wondered momentarily if she liked it.

When they parted, Parker hummed softly, content. Kristina licked her lips, trying to ignore her own still unbuttoned jeans, the wetness between her legs, happy to have finally, been able to give Parker a little of what she could tell now, the woman really enjoyed.

“Feel better?”

Swallowing hard, Parker seemed to come back to herself. Blinking she pushed off the desk, taking a gentle hold of Kristina’s hips she flipped their positions.

“Much. But I’m far from done with you.”

Kristina gripped the edge of the desk behind her while her jeans and underwear were pulled down her legs, lifting each foot as it was gently tapped, and watching the older woman remove them completely from her body.

She squealed lightly when she was lifted, moved back so she was sitting on the cool surface, legs open, wrapped around Parker’s waist.

“Now, I’m going to show you exactly what I wanted to do to you that night.” Parker’s voice was hot, her lips wet against her ear, and she moaned as two fingers pushed into her. She was more than ready, already burning, soaked and eager.

“I dreamed about this for months, Krissie. Having you like this on my desk, hearing you beg…”

The fingers inside her twisted and she moaned long and loud.

“Tell me how much you want it, honey?”

She was lost, floating, clenched tight around the digits that filled her. Parker was in charge now, and somehow, that liberated her. She was safe here, and her embarrassment felt far away.

“Please…” She panted out the word, head throat back as she felt soft lips kiss up the column of her throat chased by gentle teeth.

“Fuck me… Please, Parker… Please….”

If the woman heard the slip she didn’t care, and Kristina’s entire body quaked, a strong arm holding her up and holding her in place, as right there in the study Parker brought her again to another incredible high, and a long, hard climax.

***

She was sore, a burn between her legs as she moved around the kitchen, but the feeling wasn’t unwelcome. In fact, she sort of liked the reminder.

After their afternoon in the study, they had shared a long bubble bath, before reluctantly, Parker had pulled herself away to finish her grading.

Kristina felt light, like she was floating, still high on it all, the sound of Parker’s voice, the sight of her, head back, eyes closed and stunning. The memory of the woman in the bath tub, rubbing her knees and asking for the fourth time if she was sure they were okay after kneeling on the floor, made her smile. _How did she get so lucky?_

“Something smells good.”

Parker appeared in the doorway, hair loose, curly around her shoulders, still damp from the tub. Though she was smiling, she looked tired.

“I made us dinner.”

Kristina offered over her shoulder, bending to lift the tray from the oven. When she turned Parker had already set the cutlery on the table and was opening a bottle of wine. Their eyes met across the kitchen, those dark ones that she loved warm as they looked at her, and Parker spoke the question that Kristina had on her own mind all night.

“How did I get so lucky?”

 


	8. Chapter 8

“You brought me to the carnival?” Kristina looked around, “I haven’t been to one of these things in forever!”

“Don’t laugh… But there’s someone here that I come to see every year, and it seemed like a good date opportunity.”

Parker took her hand, lacing their fingers together and pushing them into one of her pockets to avoid the cold.

“Hey…” Kristina stopped, tugging Parker to a halt through their joined hands, “I love it. This is great. I don’t care that you’re forty years old and still like the carnival.”

Parker groaned, “We agreed not to mention ages!”

Kristina threw her head back and laughed as they set off walking again.

“You know I don’t care about that… It’s just a number.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re not even twenty five.”

Somewhere beneath their teasing she knew this was a genuine insecurity for the woman. As they stood in line at the ticket stand, Kristina tugged her hand free, using the lapels of Parker’s jacket to pull her closer.

“You are amazing, gorgeous, sexy…” She broke into a grin, and watched her girlfriend do the same, “Intelligent, funny, kind… I could go on.”

 _Parker was blushing._ She congratulated herself.

“I want you, for everything you are, that’s including your age, not in spite of it.”

Full lips tugged into a smile, the expression turning her dark eyes warm and soft, and just as Kristina was leaning up to kiss her, a shout made her hesitate.

“Professor Forsyth!”

They turned, and she stepped away from Parker on instinct as a group of, what she could only assume to be her students, headed towards them.

“Josh, Brittany, Lily… Hi, how are you?”

As Parker took a step forward to greet them, she stepped back into her space, slipping an arm around her waist as the group replied that they were just heading out.

Kristina hovered, smiling at each of them politely as the guy she assumed to be Josh, asked Parker a question about some homework. Though her response was thorough, she could tell the woman was rushing, and the fact that she was as eager to get back to their date as she was, made Kristina smile.

“Cool. Is this your wife?”

Her stomach flipped and she felt her cheeks heat in response.

“No, this is my partner, Kristina. We were actually just about to grab some tickets and head inside, so take a look at the book I mentioned and email me if you’re still struggling, okay?”

They agreed and said their goodbyes, and Kristina willed the flush on her face to die. When Parker’s eyes returned to her, the shy smile on the woman’s face told her that it hadn’t.

“Sorry about that.”

She shrugged, taking a step forward as the line moved.

“Sorry he assumed too, I have no idea where that came from. It’s not like I wear a ring or have ever mentioned being married…” She laughed, the sound a little pitchy, and Kristina could tell she was nervous.

“It’s okay, I didn’t mind.”

The admission was shy, and when Parker looked down at her, her eyes shone.

“You didn’t?”

The question was almost whispered, and butterflies fluttered in her chest because as much as she wasn’t ready to say it aloud, she wanted that. _She wanted to be Parker’s wife, someday._

“No, not at all.”

Their eyes lingered, heavy for a few long seconds, before both of them blushed, looking away. She waited while Parker stepped up to the booth and ordered her tickets, moving to order her own once she was done. A hand around in the crook of her elbow tugged her back.

“I already got yours, my treat.”

_This woman spoiled her._

“Thank you, you shouldn’t have.”

Parker shrugged.

“You can make it up to me later.”

With a wicked gleam in her eye and a pantie-melting smirk, she led Kristina further into the carnival.

***

Sitting on a bench outside the psychic’s booth, Kristina couldn’t help but smile to herself. The night had pretty much been a cliché, from riding the rides to Parker winning her the cute stuffed bear that sat beside her, but she had loved it.

Apparently the psychic was what Parker had really brought her here for. She had been surprised that her _oh-so-practical_ girlfriend put any stock in that kind of stuff. Personally, she had always thought it to be a little out there, but apparently Madam Hilda was the best and had been making startlingly accurate predictions about Parker’s life for years now.

“Are you getting cold?”

Parker appeared from behind the curtain, her eyes shining, shoulders relaxed. She looked genuinely happy – _maybe the psychic wasn’t as bad as she thought._

“I’m okay.” She stood as gentle hands rubbed up and down her arms.

“She’s ready for you now. Only if you want to that is?”

Kristina nodded. She had agreed to see the psychic earlier. It would be a new experience for her, even if it was a load of mumbo-jumbo, it could be fun.

“Hold my bear please?”

Parker nodded and took the stuffed animal, and with one last look at her girlfriend, Kristina pulled back the curtain and stepped inside.  

“You must be, Kristina.”

The woman sounded old, and looked exactly as she had imagined, dressed in a long floaty skirt with a pretty head dress covering her hair, like something from a movie.

“Yes, ma’am.”

She couldn’t help but be polite. Watery blue eyes looked up to study her, Madam Hilda had to be at least seventy.

“I like you. Sit down, child and we’ll begin.”

She stepped forward, pulling her coat tight around herself as she sat in the fold out chair across the small table from the woman.

“Your palm please?”

It took her a second to realize what that meant, before she held out her hand.

The psychic’s fingers were cold, gentle as she traced the lines.

“I see love… light.”

Kristina fought the urge to roll her eyes.

“Healing…but, oh.”

The woman’s face darkened, and her heart jumped in her chest. She had to remind herself that this was probably just part of the act.

“Your path will not be easy, child. But you already know the dark well,… yes, it’s all here.”

Icy fingers crawled down her spine at the words, and she fought the urge to yank her hand away.

“The past will repeat itself if you can’t change to greet the future.”

_What the hell did that mean?_

“You must face your demons child, and soon, or everything will be torn asunder. Your path is divergent, one dark, one light. Only in the light can you walk together, in darkness you’ll be alone. You must face the past now, before it threatens the future.”

Cold fingers released her hand and her mind was numb, stumbling. She told herself again and again that it was just a hoax, but she couldn’t deny the old lady had spooked her.

Madam Hilda blinked hard, raising her head slowly, offering her a smile.

“Good reading?”

Watery blue eyes looked up at her almost innocently. _Was she acting like she had no idea what she had just told her?_

Swallowing hard, Kristina nodded.

“It was um, informative. Thank you.”

She dug in her purse for her wallet.

Hilda’s fingers closed over her own.

“No need, sweetling, Parker has already settled your debt.” There was a fondness in her tone when she spoke about her girlfriend.

“Take care of her Kristina, she loves deeply and doesn’t always remember to save herself.”

Uncomfortable now she nodded. Though the words were kind and felt like they came from a good place, combined with her _‘reading’,_ there was an undercurrent to them that made her uncomfortable.

Thanking the woman once more, she hurried out of the booth, glad to pull back the curtain and step out into the cool night air.

“How was it?”

Parker looked up from the bench, dark eyes still so full of happiness, so content that she couldn’t bring herself to shatter it.

“It was good. Sounds like next year is going to be my best one yet.”

***

It had been an awful day, her classes were a disaster because she’d been unable to focus and she’d got caught in a downpour on the way home. She was still perched on the edge of the sofa, rainwater dripping from the ends of her hair when she heard the front door close.

“Kristina?”

“In here.”

She had just peeled off her sweater when Parker appeared in the doorway, heels already gone, looking beautiful and _dry_ in the leather jacket Kristina loved on her. _She had to get a car._

“Oh, honey. I tried to get off early so I could pick you up, but I had office hours from hell.”

“It’s fine, I’m okay.” She knew she was grumbling, but it really had been an awful day. She’d been in a funk ever since the night of the carnival, and more than anything she was frustrated with herself for letting the old crone spook her.

“Let’s get you dry.”

Something in Parker’s voice made her perk up, a promise she couldn’t name, and she crossed the room to her, letting herself be kissed thoroughly in greeting, before she followed the woman up the stairs.

“So why were office hours so bad?”

She tugged her wet shirt over her head, struggling with the sodden material before she was finally able to get it off. Kicking off her jeans she perched on the edge of the bed, debating a hot bath.

Reappearing from the closet in her underwear, shirt and slacks gone, Parker came to sit beside her.

“Just long and I was already in a bad mood knowing you’d have to walk from the bus in the rain.”

She leaned back into the woman, it was instinct at this point, enjoying the warmth of her body against her cold skin. Being near to her was an antidote, her poor mood already evaporating as slender arms wrapped around her.

“You’re cold, honey. Want to take a shower while I cook?”

She didn’t. She just wanted to be close to Parker, to lose herself in her, and just for a little while to forget the dark cloud that had hung over her since the carnival.

“I can think of better ways to warm up.”

_God, she was horrible at this. Why did Parker even want her?_

Soft lips brushed the hollow of her throat, making her breath catch. They had made love two nights ago, soft and slow and sweet. The feeling was echoed in the gentle kisses Parker laid on her skin now, but she was embarrassed to realize that wasn’t what she wanted right then.

“Actually…” She forced herself to be brave. “I was wondering if we could um, try something else… from the list?”

She heard the woman’s sharp intake of breath.

“Oh…”

Her voice was already richer, darker, and it was everything Kristina needed, just to consume her and clear her head.

“Did you have a preference on what?”

Nails raked gentle across the flat expanse of her stomach making her squirm.

“Whatever you’d like to do to me, Miss Forsyth.”

It was the boldest she’d ever been. She had used the title before playfully, but there was no humor between them now as she held dark eyes. The other times it had been during sex, and mostly when Parker had asked her to say it. There was something oddly freeing about doing it by herself, and when Parker’s tongue darted out, running across red stained lips, she was gratified.

“Do you trust me?”

Her heart stuttered. _Where was this going?_

“Yes.” The word was a whisper but it was the truth.

Dark eyes were intense as they studied her, and Kristina could see her warring with herself.

“I trust you, Parker and I want this. I want you.”

The woman reached up, clasping her chin, her thumb running across her lower lip, and Kristina ached to be kissed. Right when she was sure the woman would lean forward and claim her mouth, she pulled away instead, leaving her breathless.

“Lay on the bed, honey.”

Her voice was still soft, but any trace of request was gone. Her eyes were almost sheer black and excited, and Kristina recognized this now as dominant Parker.

She shuffled back, watching as Parker moved to the nightstand on her side of the bed. Her body was already reacting, her breathing shallow with anticipation which only tripled when she saw what she had retrieved.

“I would like to cuff you to this bed, blindfold you and fuck you.”

_Holy crap._

Parker settled beside her, taking one of her hands and putting the cuffs into it. She turned scarlet at the memory of the day she had bought them thinking she would use them on the older woman – _how wrong she had been._

“Would you like that?”

Her mind said yes automatically to the blindfold, but the cuffs she was less sure about.

“You’re nervous. Tell me why.”

Somehow the fact that it was a demand made it easier for her to answer. She didn’t have to analyze if she should tell the truth, and the words just came out.

“I’m just… not sure about the handcuffs…”

Failure broke over her head and she pleaded with herself internally not to cry. _Why was she so bad at this? Why couldn’t she be what Parker needed? She couldn’t let her spank her, even the thought of being restrained scared her…_

The cold metal disappeared from her palm.

“No wait… I want to, I do… I just…”

_She was messing this up._

Firm fingers caught her chin.

“If you’re uncomfortable you wont have enjoy it, and if you’re not enjoying it, neither am I.”

Parker’s voice was still harder, still rough with desire, but Kristina couldn’t shake the thought that she was somehow ruining things.

“I want to try I just… Please?”

She looked up at her through her lashes, biting her lip, knowing it was a dirty tactic, but she just wanted to do this for her.

“You want this?”

She nodded.

“This only works if you’re totally honest with me, Krissie…”

Parker was playing with the cuffs, twisting them in her hands, latching and refastening them with a familiarity that only spurred Kristina on. _She did want this, she just wasn’t sure she could do it._

Frustrated with herself she reached out and stilled the woman’s hands.

“Parker, just fuck me, please.”

Her cheeks burned but she was rewarded with the desired response. The older woman pushed her back onto the bed and she went easily. Breathing a sigh of relief as slim hips moved to settle above her own, but it was short lived.

Her hands were raised above her head, pressed into the pillows, and then Parker was kissing her, nipping her way down her neck and lathing a hot trail across her collarbone. By the time the woman sat up, Kristina had already forgotten about being cold.

“Take off your bra.”

She did, watching dark hungry eyes study her as she tossed the material away and laid back down.

“If you want to stop at any time it’s perfectly okay, just say so.”

Parker picked up the blindfold and she swallowed hard.

“I’m going to make you feel so good, honey.”

The comment was gentle and not what she expected, and she let it soothe her anxiety as the soft material was pulled down over her head and the world went black.

Something shifted over her hips and then the warm weight of Parker’s body was on top of her, flush against her own. Cold metal closing around her right wrist made her jump, and all she could hear was her ragged breaths, her racing heart, as panic and adrenaline spilled into her bloodstream.

“Let’s start with one, honey.”

Parker was already back, invading her senses, the slide of her skin, soft against her own was enough to distract Kristina momentarily from the metal cuff.

“Keep your hands above your head for me, we’ll take this slow okay?”

She nodded, yelping in surprise when her hip was pinched. She was silent for a few breaths, processing. The touch hadn’t hurt at all, just surprised her. Moving her arms a little she reassured herself that she was okay, she wasn’t tied down, she could do this.

“Yes, Miss Forsyth.”

And then Parker was everywhere. Kristina had no idea how long she kissed her, licked her, tasted her. Their hips ground together and with her sight taken away everything felt heightened, every touch reverberated in her chest, every kiss made her ache. Her panties were soaked, and she felt like her body had been devoured, teased and worshipped everywhere but the place she so desperately needed the attention. Squeezing her thighs together she tried to steady her breathing.

“Your skin tastes so good.”

She hummed at the praise, whining as the weight above her disappeared and she heard Parker moving around the bed. Fingers closed around her left wrist and she panicked, hard, forcing herself to stay still on the bed though her heart was racing.

“There’s a safety release right here, you can take them off by yourself, at any time.”

Rather than cuffing her, Parker’s fingers guided her own until she could feel the little notch in the metal. She pushed it and the cuff on her wrist sprung free and she could breathe again.

“Do you still want to try?”

She nodded, trying to focus on her breath and not the cold metal that closed around both her wrists. _She was with Parker, she was safe._

Like this, she was powerless, without her sight, without her hands. The thought scared her as much as it turned her on.

“You look incredible.”

She sounded breathless, and judging by the position of her voice she was standing at the foot of the bed looking at her. Kristina felt a flush crawl across her chest. She could only imagine how she much look, blindfolded and cuffed, hands above her head, nipples straining in the cool air of her bedroom, drenched panties clinging between her legs.

She yelped in surprise, arching off the mattress as out of nowhere a hot mouth closed around one of her nipples, sucking pleasantly hard before it released with a pop.

“I want you still for me, honey.”

The room went silent, and blinking behind the blindfold, seeing only black, she strained to hear something, anything to tell her where Parker was.

Fingers ghosted over her hipbone and she shuddered. Nails raked up the inside of her thigh and she moaned.

“My precious girl.”

Parker’s mouth was hot against her ear, and in the same breath it was gone.

This was torture, sweet, erotic torture and the apex of her thighs throbbed painfully.

“Please…”

Her voice sounded strange to her, thick but pitchy, desperate.

She yelped in surprise when a hand settled over her breast, kneading, tugging, sending her hips bucking off the bed, desperate for some friction before it was tugged away.

“Be still for me, Kristina.”

The command set her heart racing. The bed dipped and something tickled her thigh, she realized it was Parker’s hair before an open mouth replaced it.

“Open your legs for me.”

She did, surprisingly unashamed, lifting her hips obediently when her panties were pulled down.

Cool air kissed her skin and she panted out her anticipation. She knew Parker was between her thighs, she could feel every breath against her overheated flesh. Her stomach muscles clenched tight in anticipation and it was so hard to keep still.

Fingers closed tight around her ankles, pulling her legs further apart, and without warning a tongue pressed against her, licking a long stripe up her, drawing a loud keen from between her lips. It was everything she wanted, and it was gone too soon.

“Please…” She couldn’t help but beg, “Please, Miss Forsyth, Please…”

She held her breath, her own heart beat thundering loud in her ears, though beneath it, she could hear Parker panting quietly.

“You can do better than that, Krissie. I want to hear you _beg_.”

Her voice was liquid sex, and a deep breath, which Kristina didn’t understand, followed the words. Then the breath was released, sending a long stream of cool air blowing out against her burning sex.

She screamed.

“God, please… Parker… Please…Just… Fuck me.”

A tongue pressed rough over her clit before it pulled away. She wanted to cry at the loss. She ached, burned, needed Parker to touch her, to love her, to fuck her. She had never felt desire like this and it was overwhelming.

“Tell me how, honey.”

_Damn her._

“Lick me.”

She rejoiced, head back, mouth open when Parker did, her tongue swirling wet around her.

“Use your fingers, please.”

Two filled her and she clenched tight, her body bowing up off the bed.

“Don’t you dare come.”

That voice was ice and it pushed her back from the edge, though she felt her insides fluttering dangerously. The fingers inside her were still for a long moment, and as her impending orgasm rescinded, the aching started up again.

“Fuck me please, hard… I want you, please.”

She was shameless in her begging now, consumed with the sound of a mouth moving wet against her, fingers thrusting into her, her own and Parker’s heavy breaths.

“I’m… I…”

_She was going to come. Hard._

“Who do you belong to?”

She whined as Parker removed her mouth from her for just a second to ask the question.

“You, I’m yours, all yours…” She repeated the words desperately, over and over like a mantra, a prayer.

A hot mouth returned to her and sucked hard, and with three more pumps and a curl of clever fingers she was coming undone around her, flying and falling, and moaning loudly.

She struggled to catch her breath, wincing as the digits slipped wetly from her, though her girlfriend’s mouth stayed, lathing lovingly over her until she stopped jerking on the bed.

She felt Parker crawl up her body. A tongue pressed against her lips, demanding, and dutifully, she opened her mouth. Tasting herself in the kiss was strange but not unpleasant.

When the blindfold was lifted, she squinted in the suddenly too bright light. Blinking until her vision finally cleared. The sight of Parker looking down at her greeted her, her hair mussed, eyes bright.

“Welcome back.”

Gentle fingers moved to uncuff her.

“Actually…” Speaking was a struggle and she had to swallow hard to collect herself and try again.

“I thought maybe you could leave those there while I, um… I want to please you.”

Parker’s breath hitched.

“Have you caught your breath?”

“Yes.”

She hadn’t expected the question, and it confused her, until the woman tugged off her panties and climbed onto the mattress. One knee landed on either side of her shoulders, and she understood.

“Open your mouth.”

Dark eyes burned down at her, the sight stole her breath. Parker was gorgeous, all golden hair and kiss faded lipstick. She parted her lips feeling herself getting wet again at how sexy she found this.

As slim hips lowered she let her tongue dart out, reaching up to meet flesh, pleased that it felt hot and slick as she lapped at it. Parker moaned above her.

She went to raise her hands on instinct, eager to hold her hips, trace her fingers up the insides of those toned thighs. Surprise jolted through her as she remembered the cuffs. Between Parker’s legs beneath her shoulders and the restraints around her wrists she was more or less trapped, yet somehow, she wasn’t scared.

“I’m close, honey…”

The breathless comment reminded her of where she needed to focus her attentions, and she did, eagerly. Slim fingers twisted in her hair, drawing her closer. The soft tugging against her scalp felt good and she hummed her approval, flicking her tongue as she had learned the woman liked.

“Krissie… God…”

Parker panted out three more breaths, and then she came hard, hips grinding down onto her mouth, and Kristina licked her, sucked her, fucked her with everything she had, slowing to soft kisses and gentle swipes of her tongue as the aftershocks began to die. Eventually, Parker rolled off her, boneless.

Pleased with her efforts, she fumbled with the cuffs, finding the little catch and taking them off, setting them aside along with the blindfold.

Slim arms wrapped around her, pulling her close and she cuddled into Parker’s side feeling better than she had in days.

“You okay?”

She nodded, watching pale fingers tipped in crimson polish as they massaged her wrists tenderly.

She was better than okay, she was fantastic.

“That was amazing.” The admission was shy and she closed her eyes as lips pressed soft to her temple.

“I love you.” The arm that was holding her, tightened around her waist.

“I love you too, so much.”

***

They had fallen asleep with the TV on again, Parker with a book in her lap, her glasses still perched on her nose.

Smiling to herself at the sight, Kristina carefully took them off, marking her place in the book and setting it on the nightstand. She tugged the comforter down carefully and tried to get her girlfriend into bed.

“Krissie?”

Sleepy Parker was adorable and her name was practically a whine. She shushed her, and brushed back her hair from her face.

“We fell asleep again, just get in bed, baby.”

Whether she was awake or not, Kristina wasn’t sure, but Parker dutifully wriggled down under the covers, her breathing evening out as soon as her head was back on the pillow. Leaning down she kissed her cheek softly, taking a moment just to marvel at her in the blue glow of the TV. Her mind spilled back to the question that student had asked at the carnival, and despite being the only one awake, she blushed.

She could see a future like this so easily. Long nights making love and testing their limits, falling asleep together at the end of the day and waking up beside her every morning. Warmth washed over her because finally, she had found a place to belong.

Tucking the blankets close around Parker she turned to her own side of the bed to hunt for the remote. She found her cell between the sheets and clicked the home button absently to check the time.

A new email was in her inbox and she tapped it, still looking for the remote. Finally finding it, she pushed a button and the TV went blank. In the darkness her eyes returned to the email.

The message was from Amanda Miller. As she started to read, her blood turned to ice.

_Kristina, I assume by now you know about Parker. So my next question is does she know about you? For example, that you were also previously married? Medical records are so very interesting. You can learn so much about someone from the injuries they sustain. For example, those that suggest they were a victim of domestic abuse. I wonder what Parker would think of this information. Have you told her?_

_A_

Tears welled in her eyes as she read the words back again and again, _domestic abuse_ jumping out of the page to taunt her. With shaking fingers she stabbed the trash icon and watched the email disappear, tossing her phone away before she curled up against Parker’s side. Strong arms wrapped around her, holding her close even in sleep, and she closed her eyes and told herself over and over that she was safe, that Parker was here, until finally, she could fall asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Even with the heat on full blast in the car, she was freezing. Glancing out the window again Kristina noticed that Parker still hadn’t moved. It was a dull day, one of the coldest of the year, and the anniversary week of both of Parker’s parent’s deaths.

The woman had been quiet for a few days, sad, and she’d cried when finally, after a few glasses of wine, she’d told Kristina why she’d been so miserable. Her heart ached for her girlfriend, still crouched in front of the elaborate headstone, as she had been for almost half an hour now. She drummed her fingers on the smooth steering wheel of Parker’s car and wondered how much longer she should wait before she interrupted.

She knew loss, had tasted it bitter in her mouth and broken in her heart. As much as she wished desperately to take her pain away, she also knew that all she could do was be there.

Her breath fogged the glass as she leaned close to the window, peering out. It was cold, _way too cold to be sitting out there._ She made up her mind.

The frigid air stung her eyes as she opened the car door, leaving the engine, and the heat running. Her boots clicked on the small paved path until she stepped off it, crunching her way across the frozen ground towards the woman sitting alone.

She could hear her speaking, her voice soft and thick. Not wanting to interrupt, Kristina cleared her throat. Parker didn’t move, though she was quiet now.

“Parker?”

She took a tentative step forward.

“Baby? It’s so cold, you must be freezing. I just wanted to see how you were doing?”

The reply that came was muffled so she stepped closer, crouching carefully reaching out to rub a slim shoulder through her thick winter coat.

“I’m fine I just…”

When she raised her head her dark eyes were ringing in red, puffy, tears still wet on her cheeks.

“I’m so sorry.” Kristina whispered the words, “Your lips are almost purple, baby, we should get you warmed up. We can come back and see them again, if you want to.”

Parker swallowed hard, nodding as she tried to smile, though the action only sent more tears rolling down her face.

“I just…”

She wrung her hands and Kristina noticed they were shaking.

“I think I finally got it right. And now it’s too late.” The words devolved into a sob.

Her heart broke seeing Parker like this, but as she reached for her the older woman pulled away. She understood. Grief was difficult.

“I think they would have liked you, and maybe if they could have seen us, how happy we are, things might have been different. We just…”

She took a deep breath.

“We never had the chance.”

This time she crumpled into her, and Kristina held her tight as she cried, trying to squeeze some warmth into her body as her eyes flitted over the writing on the grave.

Momentarily she thought of her own parents, _would this be her in twenty years? Crying over opportunities lost?_

Remembering the anger in her mother’s eyes when she’d said she was going with Parker, the few phone calls that she had ignored, she pushed the thought away. Things were better with her Dad, but not by much.

Parker was shivering against her, and Kristina could feel the cold seeping into her own bones.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” She didn’t know what else to say, Parker was pretty private and though she’d known both of her parents had passed, and that the relationship had been strained, she didn’t know much else.

“You’re freezing, let me take you home?”

She asked the question into soft blonde hair, kissing her head, relieved when she nodded. Standing up, she tugged Parker to her feet, wrapping a cold hand in both of hers and leading her back to the car.

By the time they were inside the vehicle, dark eyes were dry, but somehow the older woman still looked lost. When she made no move to buckle up, Kristina leaned across the console, gently pulling the seatbelt across her chest and clicking it into place.

The drive home was wordless. She let Parker have her space, pleased that by the time they were halfway there her pale skin was regaining a little of its color, her lips returning to their usual darker shade.

A few blocks from the house, a cold hand settled over hers on the gear shift and she flipped her palm up, lacing their fingers together. Looking across at her girlfriend, she offered her a tiny smile.

“That was the first time anyone’s ever gone with me on the anniversary. Thank you for… being strong for me.”

Parker looked almost embarrassed now. Kristina just raised their joined hands pressing a kiss to the back of hers.

“I’m here for you, always, you know that right?”

She glanced away from the road, just long enough to catch Parker watching her. Though her eyes were still puffy they shone with emotion.

“I know.”

***

Trudging back from the bus stop at noon, Kristina’s chest was heavy with nerves. The stress of the email was long forgotten, replaced by a different kind of worry since the day Parker had told her that her brother would be visiting town. The woman was so excited, and Kristina had loved seeing her spirits lifted, especially after a long somber anniversary week of her parents’ death.

Parker had baked, relentlessly, there were already at least three gifts for each of the children hidden upstairs in their closet, and she had insisted all week that her brother Ethan was going to love Kristina. She wished she felt as sure.

A black SUV sitting behind Parker’s sedan made her stomach flip, _she had to get it together._ This was a good step for them, she was meeting Parker’s family. She just had to believe they would react better to their relationship than her own family had.

Taking a deep breath she turned her key and pushed open the front door. The sound of voices greeted her from down the hall, the house sounding busy, full, in a way it never usually did with just the two of them.

“Kristina, honey, is that you?”

“One second.”

Fixing her hair one last time in the hall mirror, she walked to the living room, hovering in the doorway as five pairs of eyes all turned to her.

“There you are.”

Parker’s voice was so warm, her brown eyes were alight and happy. Kristina’s gaze hurried over the man she assumed was her brother, and what must be his wife, offering them a polite smile before it was back on her girlfriend.

Parker pushed up off the sofa, struggling a little under the weight of her niece, crossing the room to greet her. Kristina knew she was having one of those weird profound moments, some sort of epiphany. Stars were colliding and her heart was melting and she couldn’t stop staring at her girlfriend. The woman was flushed with happiness, radiant. As she walked she spoke softly to the little girl on her hip. The scene was adorable and it made her head spin. Parker with a little girl with fair hair, slightly darker skin and brown eyes so similar to both of theirs.

“Krissie…”

A hand closed soft around her arm and she blinked hard. _She needed to snap the hell out of it._

“Hi…” She cleared her throat and tried again, surprised when Parker leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips.

“Ethan, Melly, this is my Kristina.”

_My Kristina._ _This woman was trying to kill her_. Her heart was just a puddle in her chest now.

“It’s nice to meet you both, glad you made it here safe.”

Ethan stepped forward first and she offered him her hand. He was taller than Parker, his hair a shade darker, the same as his eyes.

“I’ve heard so much about you, Kristina, it’s nice to finally meet the woman who’s made my sister so happy.”

Parker grumbled behind her, and she laughed, warmth spilling into her chest as taking her hand, Ethan pulled her into a hug rather than shaking it. _Was this what real acceptance felt like?_

“I’m Melanie, everyone just calls me Melly. Thank you for having us in your home.”

“Are you kidding me?” Kristina returned the hug, “Parker has been excited for days. We’re so glad you could come.”

_This was going well. Crazy well._

“Krissie…”

She turned back to her girlfriend, trying not to let the sucker punch to the heart show on her face as the little girl in her arms peered at her through Parker’s hair.

“That’s my nephew Dylan,” she pointed to the baby in the stroller, bouncing the girl in her arms making her squeal, “And this is my niece Katelyn, Katie.”

“Really, Katie? Now you’re shy?” Ethan asked over her shoulder.

“Hey Katie.” She waved at the little girl, brown eyes just studied her, curious but wary. “Are you really shy? A big girl like you… You have to be what, like ten years old?”

Little dark eyes filled with pride and Kristina fought the urge to smirk.

“I’m four.”

Four little fingers were carefully arranged before she showed them to her.

“No way!”

“Yes!” The reply was squealed gleefully and Katie was already leaning closer to her.

“You’re pretty.”

Kristina blushed.

“Thanks, you’re pretty too, I love your hair, I wish my hair looked that good.”

Katie pushed on Parker’s chest.

“Auntie Parker. I go with… her.”

Parker laughed, when their eyes met there was something there, something shy and hopeful that made Kristina wonder if their thoughts today weren’t all that different.

“Let Kristina put down her bags first, then we can ask if she minds.”

Dumping her heavy book bag and setting her purse on the sofa, she held out her arms, “I don’t mind at all. Lay it on me Auntie Parker. I can take it, even if she is a great big ten year old.”

“I’m fourrrr.” Katie howled gleefully, as she was passed over and then they were off. Kristina dropped in and out of the conversation with the adults, most of her attention spent on the little girl in her lap, the little fingers that seemed to want to touch everything – her hair, her clothes, her earrings, the polish on her nails and the lipstick on her lips.

Deep down a little part of her tugged painfully. She missed her family. She thought of Scout. _How big was she now? How much of her life was she missing?_

“You’s funny Wistina!”

“It’s Kristina, sweetie.” Parker leaned close and Kristina smiled up at her.

Katie tried again but still couldn’t get her name right.

“How about Krissie. That’s what Auntie Parker calls me most of the time.”

“Like… Krissie?” Katie looked up at her, and even Kristina could tell the little girl was besotted.

“You got it, that was perfect.”

Katie opened her mouth, no doubt to continue telling her about their dog, Spot, who’d had to stay home, but Parker interrupted.

“Honey, your next class is in fifteen minutes. I can drive you so you won’t be late but we have to leave now.”

She was about to suggest she just skip class, but looking up, Parker’s face was already set expectantly, and she knew it wasn’t an argument she could win.

Katie howled pitifully as her dad pried her from Kristina’s lap, and she promised she’d see her again later that day. Leaving the family in the living room, they stepped back out into the cold.

Checking her purse for her phone, she headed for the car, surprised when a strong hand caught her around the arm and pushed her back against the front door that had just been closed. Then Parker was on her, the length of her body pressed up against her, one hand soft in her hair, the other holding her hip, keeping her in place. She kissed her long, and hard, and when she finally stepped away, Kristina was breathless.

“Sorry.”

Her eyes were dark, and as she licked her lips she didn’t look sorry one bit.

“Never apologize for that but um, what brought that on?”

Parker beat her to the car, opening the passenger door for her and waiting while she tossed in her bags and sank down into the seat before she leaned down over her, taking the seatbelt from her fingers.

“I just love you.”

Kristina let herself be buckled in, blushing.

“I love seeing you with my family, and I love that my niece loves you and I can tell my brother thinks you’re great. I’m just happy, and you’re amazing.”

The eye contact between them was loaded, and this time when she dipped her head to kiss her, Kristina had seen it coming.

It was intense, all lips and teeth and tongue. A far away part of her wondered if she ought to be embarrassed by the huge PDA happening in the middle of their driveway, but a bigger part of her didn’t care. Something pulled, twisting until Parker’s kiss turned darker, her own heart rate picking up in response.

“Baby…”

She tried to pull back but somehow they were kissing again. _God._

“Parker… Baby…”

She touched the woman’s shoulder and she instantly stilled.

“Right… You have to go to school. Okay.”

A pale thumb moved across her lower lip, and Kristina guessed the woman was fixing her lipstick. _It was worth a try._

“I could always just…”

“Absolutely not. You’re going to class.”

With one more quick kiss, Parker closed the door.

***

It was after seven when she finally got home, irritated beyond belief. She'd messed up her statistics assignment and had to stay for the professor's office hours, but apparently so did half the class, which meant she was stuck there way longer than she'd planned.

The house was quieter when she pushed open the front door. She jumped in surprise when Parker appeared down the hallway.

"There you are, thank god, I was starting to get worried."

"She means she's been freaking out for at least an hour now." Ethan's voice called playfully from the living room. Parker rolled her eyes, turning to say something to him that she couldn't hear.

"I'm so sorry." She dropped her bags by the door, starting on the buttons on her coat as she rushed towards the living room.

"My stupid statistics assignment was messed up and that I had to wait forever for..."

Fingers closed around the lapels of her jacket and she was pulled in for a long, hard kiss. Beneath the push of Parker's tongue against her lips, she could feel her concern, the last of her panic melting away. Thankfully, they were out of view of the family, still lingering in the hall. 

When the woman finally let her go, her heart was already beating embarrassingly fast. 

"Next time, just call me, please?"

The uncertainty in Parker's voice made her smile, and she reached up to kiss her again, just a soft peck.

"Of course, I would have called today but my phone died." 

She loved how Parker was never demanding... A little part of her scoffed at that.  _The woman could be totally demanding, controlling, consuming_. Yet Kristina never felt cornered, she never felt like she had no choice,  _not like she had with..._

She stopped herself.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you." She held dark eyes, reveling in the moment, the feeling of being  _home_.

"I know." Parker kissed her cheek and swatted her on the butt, and as she rounded the door into the living room her cheeks were burning. Ethan threw his head back and laughed.

Luckily, she was saved by Katie's shrill excitement at her arrival.

"You's back! Now we play, 'kay, Auntie Krissie?"

_Did life get any better than this?_


	10. Chapter 10

“My blisters have blisters.” Parker complained, but the smile that had been on her face all day was holding out. For about the tenth time in the last few hours, Kristina fell in love with her a little bit more.

“Totally worth it though.”

Finishing with her hair she slipped into the dress she had chosen for the evening, short, tight, black.

“Definitely. Katie loved it and Dylan enjoyed the parts he was awake for.”

Parker was already dressed, gorgeous in a deep green number, her hair pinned up in an elaborate twist. She was beautifully made up, stunning in a way that made Kristina’s stomach flip.

The day had been a long one, trudging around the zoo in the bitter cold with the kids. They’d arrived home tired, but after showering, Kristina was excited for the night ahead.

“Did Ethan get a sitter?”

Returning to the bathroom she rechecked her makeup, the smooth curls in her hair. Parker appeared behind her, dark eyes catching her own in the mirror.

“The hotel has some on staff, they’ll be leaving after the kids are in bed, so fingers crossed they’ll never even know they were gone.”

The pads of cold fingers against the back of her thighs surprised her. She ignored the touch, convinced at every moment that Parker would stop, pull away. As her fingers trailed higher and higher she could feel her body twitching to life beneath them. _The woman’s hold on her was ridiculous._

“You’re going to make us late.” There was no weight behind the warning and Parker smirked, a smoky, sultry smirk that Kristina felt all the way down to her core as she watched her in the mirror.

“There’s something I’ve been thinking about, something I’d like to try tonight, if you decide you want to.”

Fingers squeezed the soft flesh where her thighs met her backside, and giving up on fixing her lipstick, she found herself gripping the edge of the sink, white-knuckled.

“Yes.” She breathed the word out, “But I really don’t want to be late. Ethan and Melly are amazing, I don’t want to leave them waiting for us.”

Parker looked like the cat that had gotten the canary.

_God, what was she planning?_

“We won’t be late, I promise. Wait here.”

It wasn’t a request.

Anticipation made the hairs on her arms stand up. Parker was gorgeous, she looked elegant in her dress and high pumps, and coupled with that voice, the image was _doing things_ to her, _badly._

The older woman appeared behind her, and Kristina could see that she was pleased she hadn’t moved at all, and she liked that. Lately more and more she was accepting that she liked pleasing Parker, that it gratified her too somehow. 

“Good girl.”

The hotness at the apex of her thighs was already turning slick. She tried to get herself under control, her body scorching under the gaze of dark eyes in the mirror.

“Turn around, honey.”

She did, surprised when something small and metallic silver was pressed into her palm.

“Um…”

_Not quite what she’d expected._

“Thank you, it’s pretty. Is it a paperweight or?”

She moved her hand up and down, testing the weight of the thing. It looked like a strange metallic egg. She looked up to meet dark eyes, smiling. The expression fell away, her breath catching, as she was greeted by the predatory one staring back at her.

“It’s not a paperweight, Krissie.”

Amusement was thick in her voice, _at least she isn’t laughing, yet._

“It’s an insertable. It comes with a remote control, which is mine.”

She struggled to assimilate the words, the meaning still somewhere just out of her grasp.

“It goes inside you sweetheart, and I control it, all night long.”

_Shit._

She jumped as the little egg began to vibrate softly in her palm.

_Definitely not a paperweight._

“I, um…”

“Only if you want to, honey.” Parker cut in, shutting off the vibration and lifting her chin. “Same rules apply, tell me to stop, or safeword, and everything stops right away.”

She wanted this. There was something hot about… how had Parker’s list put it? _Being dominated subtly in a public place_. She could already feel color leaking into her cheeks.

“I want to.”

A smile broke on Parker’s face, beautiful and brilliant, and Kristina’s breath caught in her throat as the older woman stepped into her space.

“Are you wet for me, Kristina?”

The question shot another jolt of arousal right into the deepest part of her.

_Always._

Parker snickered and she realized she’d answered aloud, _oops._

“Lift up your dress, honey.”

She did, feeling filthy somehow with her dress hiked around her waist. Long fingers tugged her panties aside, and Parker held her eyes. Without preamble or apology, they dipped inside her.

“You’re so responsive to me, sweetheart. I like that.”

Her stomach tightened at the words.

“Open your mouth.”

Confused, she did as she was asked. Parker took the egg from her hand and ran it across her lips, before she pushed it past them.

“Suck.”

Her stomach muscles jumped and she twitched embarrassingly. Parker’s fingers rubbed her while obediently, she sucked the egg. Apparently satisfied, the woman finally pulled it away.

“I… um… It’s…” _It was sort of big._

“You’ll stretch to fit, honey. I’ll help.”

Parker dropped to her knees and with one last wicked smirk, she attached her mouth to her. Kristina whined softly, leaning back, gripping the cool porcelain of the sink to keep herself upright.

“Open your legs more.”

She felt the pressure of the egg at her entrance, and then Parker was pushing it in. The tongue working over her mercilessly made the feeling pleasurable. The toy slid inside, filling her, stretching her, she felt herself clamp tight around it once it was in place.

The mouth that had felt so good against her disappeared, and her panties were gently pulled back to cover her.

Standing, Parker pulled down her dress, carefully smoothing the mussed material over her hips, running a thumb under her own full lips and checking her makeup in the mirror as if she hadn’t just done… _that._

“Ready to go?”

A hint of that darkness, of dominant Parker, still lingered, erotic in her voice. It make Kristina squirm inside. Those brown eyes were amused, and she knew that the woman knew exactly the effect she had on her. Determined not to give her the satisfaction of seeing her rattled, she nodded.

“Lead the way.”

_Ha, two can play that game._

Pushing off the sink she strode after her.

Her knees buckled without warning, sending her crashing towards the floor moaning loudly as the egg gave one sharp, hard, buzz inside her. Strong arms caught her around the middle, holding her up.

Still panting, everything inside her quivering desperately, she looked up into dark eyes that danced with amusement.

“Oops, my finger must have slipped.”

***

Dinner was easy. It was fun. Melly was so kind and great to talk to, and Ethan and Parker bickered playfully, meaning conversation flowed freely.

All loathing for the night to end, they had left the restaurant and caught a quick cab a few blocks over, coming to a place both Parker and Ethan swore up and down was the best club in town.

They were at the crowded bar, trying to get service. Parker’s arms were around her, one on either side of her body, long fingers gripping the smooth surface, keeping the bodies off her.

“Little different than The Floating Rib, no?”

Soft lips brushed the shell of her ear and she leaned back into the woman behind her. She blushed, remembering the last time they had met there, Val’s lips on her mouth, the jealousy in Parker’s dark eyes.

For the first time that night the egg inside her awoke, buzzing with a vengeance that set her teeth on edge, one long sharp stroke before again it was still. _She’d forgotten the damn thing was there._

“You’re mine, Kristina.”

Clearly they were on the same wavelength.

“I’m yours”, she agreed quietly, tipping her head to allow Parker to press a soft kiss to her mouth, resisting the urge to grind back against her.

“Get a room!”

Ethan heckled them while Melly smacked his arm.

“Jealousy is an ugly emotion, brother.”

They bickered playfully until finally, the bartender came. Parker ordered a huge round, a bottle of wine, cocktails, beer for Ethan and surprisingly, eight shots.

Then the siblings bickered some more over who would pay for it, and all Kristina could hear in their voices was their love for one another. For a second she ached, for Sam, for Molly. Having finally won and handed over her card, Parker’s hand settled on her hip possessively, and the thought was gone.

Finding a table they managed to sit. Wine was poured and they started with the shots. Having barely drunk at all beyond wine with dinner since the move, Kristina could already feel the effects of the alcohol in her blood.

It started out as a gentle hum, barely noticeable, and she squeezed her thighs together and gave Parker a dirty look, determined to win this little game. With an enigmatic smile, Parker’s hand disappeared into her purse and a second later the buzzing intensified. _Crap._

She did her best to follow the conversation, to join in, but the vibrating inside of her was winding her up, tighter and tighter, though it never quite took her far enough to snap.

“You look a little flushed, honey, are you feeling okay?”

Parker pressed the back of her hand to her forehead, pushing her hair back from her face, the perfect picture of concern. Kristina grit her teeth.

“Jesus, Park, she’s fine.” 

“Yes, Parker, I’m fine.” She repeated Ethan’s words, a challenge in her eyes, somehow made bold, and ridiculously turned on by what they were doing.

That was one of the last coherent sentences she didn’t have to strain to form that night.

Her girlfriend was trigger happy, and the egg inside her began to play her like a fiddle. Short powerful vibrations, then back to a low hum, three super jolts inside her, then a quick buzz that brought her so close to the edge she jerked forward.

Poor Melly grabbed her arm, so sweet and concerned as she asked if she was okay.

“Sorry, I thought I had to sneeze.”

Turning to Parker, ready to give her another dirty look. She was stopped in her tracks. Dark eyes were like lasers, burning over her skin.

They drank and Parker worked her into a frenzy, right there in the middle of the club. Her underwear was ruined, soaked, chaffing against her sensitive flesh. She was glad Ethan and Melly were fairly drunk too, or she worried they’d wonder why she was acting so strange. The buzzing intensified, pushing her towards a dizzying crescendo. _She was not going to come sitting at this table._

She shot up out of her seat. Before she could announce that she was going to the restroom, Parker stood too.

“We’re going to dance, are you two coming?”

They declined, and Kristina let herself be led out to the packed dance floor, seething. The soft buzz between her legs was just enough to make it difficult for her to walk, to keep her on edge, with absolutely no chance of making it over.

As they stopped, she was ready to give Parker what for, then she was pulled flush against her body, strong arms around her, and all her protests were melting like ice beside a fire.

“My good girl… You’ve done so well, Kristina.”

_How did she make her name sound like pure sex?_

The egg ramped up a notch as Parker started to move them to the beat, she could feel the small remote hidden in the woman’s palm, pressed against her back. Part of her mind was aware that she was drunk, frustrated, and needed an orgasm more than she needed oxygen.

“Do you like this, sweetheart? Do you like being all mine, wet and needy while all these people around us have absolutely no idea?”

The egg vibrated a little harder and her head rolled back for a second before she caught it.

“Yes.”

A sharp buzz inside her made her yelp.

“Yes, Miss Forsyth.”

She moaned the words against Parker’s ear as they moved together under the strobe lights.

“Would you like to come for me like this?”

“Yes, Miss Forsyth, please.”

Parker’s lips skimmed her neck, feather-light before she sucked hard over her pulse point. When her legs buckled, strong arms held her up.

“Beg.”

The command was absolute, barely audible over the thud of the bass. Kristina was lost to it all, the moment, the sensations, the egg inside her and Parker against her, the feeling of belonging to her entirely.

“Please, I want to come.”

The vibration turned down and she whined pitifully.

“You can do better.”

Parker’s hands were all over her, the small of her back, the dip of her waist, ghosting over the swell of her ass making her thighs shake harder.

_She was going to explode._

“Please.” She ground out the word, hiding her face in Parker’s neck as she clung to her. They were dirty dancing shamelessly, lost enough in the crowd, that no one seemed to notice.

“Please, Mistress, I want to come.”

The egg jolted up to what felt like level one hundred, fingers tangled in her hair and pulled her head back so she was watching Parker’s eyes flash in the strobes as she teetered on the edge. She had been so close for so long, that suddenly, she couldn’t quite let herself fall.

She was panting out desperate breaths, jaw clenched tight as Parker looked down on her. The fingers in her hair slipped around until they were loose around her throat. Before she could panic, Parker squeezed ever so slightly.

“Come on Kristina, give it to me.”

She exploded.

A spine-tingling, toe-curling, full body orgasm rocked through her right there on the dance floor. Parker’s mouth closed over her own just in time to swallow her scream. The egg buzzed on and on inside her and she came until she was spent, until her pleasure was slick on the inside of her thighs, until she felt boneless in Parker’s arms.

“You’re amazing, honey.”

Parker was right there to catch her, holding her up, brushing her hair back from a sweat-damped temple.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, sweetheart.”

With an arm around her waist, she was lead to the bathroom and plopped down unceremoniously to sit on the toilet. Parker locked the stall door.

“Can you take it out?”

Still dazed, she didn’t respond. Skilled fingers disappeared up her dress, pulling her ruined panties aside. With a careful crook of her index finger, Parker produced the egg, dropping it into her purse.

“We’ll clean that later.”

_Right now, she could care less about cleaning anything._

Studying her, the dark fire in Parker’s eyes slowly died, leaving concern in its wake.

“Krissie… Are you okay? Talk to me, honey.”

Swallowing hard she forced herself back under her own control, trying to regain some of her faculties to tell her girlfriend that she had just fucked her stupid, literally.

“Okay is one word for it.” Finally coming around she was able to offer her what she hoped was a smile. _She’d just had one of the best orgasms of her life on a crowded dance floor, holy shit._

Cool fingers smoothed her hair as Parker bent in front of her, kissing her softly on the cheek.

“Do you need a minute to gather yourself or should we head back out?”

_What had she done to deserve this beautiful, sexy, caring woman?_

“I don’t want to go back out there right now.”

“Okay, well we can just sit here. Take all the time you need.”

She tried to stand but her legs were still jelly so she ended up on her knees, _she could work with that_.

Looking up through her lashes, slowly she guided Parker to stand up, dragging the smooth material of her dress up creamy pale thighs.

“Honey…” She could see her warring with herself, probably worrying about Kristina’s knees on the bathroom floor or something equally ridiculous, yet the way her teeth sunk into her bottom lip made it clear that she loved this.

Kristina tugged thin black lace down those long legs, pressing a quick kiss to her thigh before she approached her destination. Looking up at Parker, pupils blown, eyes black, she licked her lips.

“Can you be quiet for me, Mistress?”

Desire exploded in those brown eyes.

She was already hot and gratifyingly wet for her, and Kristina had to stifle her own moan of contentment as Parker’s head fell back against the wall with a soft thud.


	11. Chapter 11

Kristina had been sad to see Ethan, Melly and the kids go, and she knew Parker was too. After a swift visit to their parents’ graves, which Parker had declined to accompany them on, they had loaded up the car and headed home. Katie had begged to stay with her Aunties, and promised to send them letters when her pleas were unsuccessful.

Sun was filtering in through the window, and begrudgingly, she decided it was time to get up. Sitting up in bed, Kristina noticed the absence of her girlfriend beside her, though she wasn’t surprised.

Cold dread trickled over her skin, even under the warm blankets, as she reached for her phone.

_Six new emails._

None of them were from Amanda, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh, you’re awake.”

Parker startled her, and she dropped her cell on the mattress, guilty.

“Yeah…” The rest of what she was going to say was lost. If she hadn’t been awake before, she _definitely_ was now.

“I set the coffee machine off, so it should be ready in a few.”

Parker was still in her running clothes, those _tight_ tights, her hair pulled back high on her head, a thin sheen of sweat still drying on her skin as she slugged down a water. Her body was amazing, _toned thighs, tight abs…_

“Kristina?”

“Right, yes. Sorry…”

Dark eyes creased with laughter and she groaned, caught.

“Shut up.”

“See something you like, Miss Davis?”

There it was, _that voice_. If they went there right now, Kristina knew they were going to spend all day in bed. As great as that sounded, after spending most of the weekend entertaining Parker’s family, they both had too much to do.

“Always, but we both have a lot to catch up on today, baby.”

Dark eyes held hers. She could feel herself wilting under that stare, that _damn smolder._ Heat was just creeping into the very depths of her stomach, when with a quick lick of her lips, Parker turned away.

“Right. You’re right.”

She ran a hand through her hair, disappearing into the bathroom. Parker’s voice drifted back over the sound of the shower starting up.

“About that, I actually got an email from an old friend last night, Elena. She’s in town today with her wife, and asked me to join them for lunch.”

 Her heart sunk. She had been looking forward to spending the day together.

“Oh, okay. Well that’s good. I have a paper due for Monday so I’ll have stuff to do while you’re gone.”

“Actually,” Parker appeared in the doorway, naked, with a towel in her hands, “I was hoping you might want to come. I know this weekend has been a lot, you met my family…” They shared a shy smile, “But I don’t want to leave you today, and Elena and Maya are great, I think you’d like them.”

Climbing out of bed she crossed the space. As soon as she was within reach, Parker tugged her close. “I also thought it would be interesting for you to meet someone else who’s into the lifestyle.”

_The lifestyle? Oh._

“If you want me to come, I’d love to.”

Snaking up her sleep shirt, Parker’s fingers settled on her bare hip, softly.

“Of course, I just wasn’t sure if it was too much.”

She was adorable and shy, and Kristina wondered how this woman could believe she could ever have too much of her.

“I loved meeting your family, and I’m excited to meet your bondage friends.”

Parker laughed.

“Oh god, I’m going to tell Elena you called them that, she’ll love it!”

Nerves fluttered in her stomach as she realized suddenly that she had no idea what to wear, or to expect. _She'd figure it out_.

“Really though. I love that I get to meet some of the people who are important to you, I want to know about you, and your life.”

Parker looked down, studying the carpet.

“I guess I’m just so used to being private. In my marriage, we um…”

Kristina tried not to let the mention of Amanda ruin this moment.

“Everything was always so separate. This is all kind of new to me, but I like it.”

“Amanda never met Ethan and Melly and the kids?” The question had gnawed at her all weekend.

“No… She um, Amanda doesn’t like children.”

Parker sounded so sad. She looked up, vulnerability shining in her eyes, and Kristina leaned up to kiss her.

“I like kids.” The admission was quiet. Being with Parker was unlike anything she had ever known.

“I like them too.”

Something lingered between them, and fireworks were exploding in Kristina’s chest. She could feel both of them waiting for the other to say something more until finally, the moment broke.

“So I’ll tell her we’ll see them there at noon?”

She nodded, moving past Parker and into the bathroom, slipping the shirt over her head and letting it fall to the tile.

As the woman unlocked her phone, Kristina noticed her screensaver over her shoulder, smiling.

Right before they left, Ethan had snapped a candid picture of the two of them, Dylan was in Parker’s lap and Katie was in hers. They were smiling at each other, one of the secret smiles that Kristina loved, and though she couldn’t remember what they had been saying, she remembered exactly how she had felt in that moment, so absolutely in love.

She stepped into the shower, still turning over that moment, that picture, unable to help the skip her mind made. _Did Parker want kids?_ _Did she even want kids?_

Before she hadn’t been so sure. She did like kids, she always enjoyed taking care of her sister’s, yet she was never quite sure she wanted her own. Now, in a relationship that was stable, healthy, and after seeing Parker and Katie together, she didn’t know.

“Okay, all set for lunch.”

Parker appeared behind her, cool hands slipping softly over her hips, pulling her wet body back against her dry one, sending the thoughts tumbling away. Goosebumps already sprung to life where their skin touched, only intensifying when the woman leaned down to kiss the back of her neck, her voice wicked.

“And we have another whole hour before we have to leave the house.”

***

Sitting at a table in what had to be one of the fanciest restaurants in town, Kristina found herself a little shy. Even with the more casual lunchtime dress code, everyone in the place was obviously super wealthy, and she wondered exactly who Parker’s friends were that _this_ was the place they chose to meet for a catch-up. Parker didn’t seem concerned.

“You’re fidgeting, honey.”

Parker was squinting at the wine menu and she rolled her eyes.

“Why don’t you just get your glasses, babe?”

She didn’t understand why the woman was so weird about wearing them in public sometimes, though she was sure it had something to do with her hang up over their age gap.

“I can see it.”

She was holding the laminated card halfway across the table and it sure didn’t look that way. The print _was_ ridiculously small.

“Oh my god, not you too. Put on your damn glasses, old lady.”

A woman appeared at the edge of their table, all curly blonde hair and bright green eyes, her outfit of jeans and leather jacket relaxed, despite the nicer venue. Parker gave up on the menu and popped to her feet.

“Maya! So good to see you, where’s Elena?”

Kristina watched as they hugged.

“Probably squinting at the wine board because god forbid you guys actually use your freaking glasses.”

They laughed, and then two pairs of eyes were on her.

“Maya, this is my girlfriend, Kristina.”

She stood and shook the woman’s hand, pleased to realize she looked about her age. Maya was a few years older than her, perhaps.

“Parker Forsyth.”

An older woman stepped up behind Maya, one hand going easily to the small of her back, like somehow, it fit there. Kristina watched them, surprised to see that their ages were not all that different to her own and Parker’s. Again she was introduced.

“Elena this is my beautiful girlfriend, Kristina.”

She blushed, shooting Parker a look.

“Kristina, it’s lovely to meet you. I won’t put us both through the trouble of trying to shaking your hand.”

The women took their seats and she watched curiously, Elena’s body shaking and jolting oddly, every few moments.

“I have cerebral palsy, so every day is a party. Don’t mind me.” The words were clipped but not unkind, and she nodded, returning to her menu, trying not to watch as the woman struggled down into the booth.

What started as slightly uncomfortable quickly became fun, and she found herself relaxing more. Parker had been right, Elena and Maya were far from what she had expected, but she was surprised to find she liked their company.

“So we walk into the room and our five-year-old is holding our freaking feeldoe, and is looking up at Elena all, Mommy, what’s this?”

Kristina couldn’t help but laugh at the visual, fascinated by the couple somehow. They answered a question she hadn’t realized she had - they were living proof that you could have the kind of relationship she and Parker had been exploring, and still have a family life and be successful too.

“So Elena, totally drops the ball…”

“I panicked!” The older woman cut in, trying to look offended though it was obvious from the happiness shining in both their eyes that this story was a favorite.

“You dropped the ball, babe…” Maya told her again, “And she tells Livvie that it’s a dog toy… Now the kid is convinced Santa is bringing her a puppy for Christmas.”

She laughed along, feeling Parker’s shoulders shake beside her.

“We’ve had a few cases of mistaken identity of our own since we started to… explore new things.”

Kristina blushed hard at Parker’s words.

“Don’t even feel bad, it can’t be any worse than the time Elena came home and I was using her flogger to dust the cabinets.” Maya told her.

They all laughed again. _Thank god for that fanfic, she actually knew what a flogger was, or she’d read about it anyway._

Kristina could feel a few of the other patron’s eyes on them, but she didn’t care. She had missed this, being social, having friends. She loved Oregon, but in that respect Port Charles would always be so much better.

“Well, I have a pretty hilarious one, but it depends if Kristina wants to share?”

Parker was looking at her with a soft smile, dark eyes shining, waiting for her permission. She had no idea which of the many idiotic things she’d done since they started to explore kink together was going to come up, but she nodded, feeling safe enough with the two other women that she didn’t mind sharing.

“So a few nights ago I wanted to try something, I got it out, put it in her hand, and she’s all, oh, a paperweight, thanks!”

Elena cackled.

“Ben Wa balls?!”

Maya guessed loudly, Kristina could feel her cheeks coloring as people turned to look at them all. If anyone else around their table noticed, they didn’t care.

Parker laughed.

“Insertable egg.”

When the laughter around the table died, aside from wondering what the heck Ben Wa balls _or whatever_ were, Kristina couldn’t help but notice Elena’s eyes on her girlfriend.

“Look at you, Parker. Quite the dom now. You won me fifty bucks by the way.”

Parker snorted.

“You were betting?”

“That you were a switch, yes.”

Suddenly uncomfortable, Kristina tucked some of her hair behind her ear, smiling at Maya who caught her eyes, offering her a shrug.

The conversation moved on, but she couldn’t seem to shake off that moment. _Had Elena known Parker when she was with Amanda?_

She seemed so friendly, non-judgmental, yet now that she was sure she’d known Parker before, she couldn’t help but wonder what she thought of her, if she judged her for how little she knew about the lifestyle, for the fact that Parker had chosen to dominate her rather than submit?

She tried to relax, to enjoy herself as she had before, but the uncomfortable feeling that had spilled into her stomach seemed to have taken up residence there. Parker must have noticed, cool fingers snuck into her lap and wrapped gently around her own, a thumb tracing soft patterns over her knuckles, soothing.

Elena and Maya were funny, they were sweet, they loved talking about their daughter, and both seemed so content. _Would that be her and Parker in the future?_

Caught off guard again by her own thoughts, she forced herself to focus on the conversation, just in time to catch another joke between the couple, Maya smirking at her wife.

“Maya Scott, if you think last nights performance is going to keep me from taking you over my knee the minute we get home, then so help me.”

_Wow._ She was crimson just from watching the exchange, something dark and erotic buzzing between the women, before Parker cleared her throat pointedly and it seemed to dissipate.

“Sorry.”

Maya at least looked a little contrite, Elena just looked amused, and Kristina’s heart was falling again. She and Parker would never be like the two of them because physical punishment wasn’t something they could do. It wasn’t something _she_ could do.

Everything she had read, and now the only people she had ever met who were also involved in the community and sort of normal, made it seem like an important part of the relationship, yet she couldn’t give it to Parker.

“You okay, honey, you didn’t eat much?”

She could feel concerned dark eyes on her face, searching for her gaze, though she didn’t meet them, too worried they might see all the things there that she was trying to hide.

“I’m good, think I just had too much coffee this morning.”

She stayed in her seat, letting the conversation carry on for a little longer, before she excused herself to the bathroom. Alone, she checked her phone, somehow breathing a little easier when there were no new emails to display.

Her heart sank at another missed call from her mom. _Maybe it was time to forgive her?_

Fixing her makeup and combing through her dark hair, she studied herself. Pleased with what she saw in the mirror, she headed back out, not wanting to stay too long lest Parker come to check on her.

Striding back towards their table she tried to clear her head. _This was fun, she needed to relax_. She was meeting parker’s friends, learning about her life, and she thought maybe she had made a friend of her own in Maya – all of this was good.

A snippet of conversation as she rounded the corner made her pause, guilt already heavy in her stomach at eavesdropping, yet she was frozen behind the wall, just out of view of their table.

“I always wondered what we would be like together. Part of me is a little sad the stars never aligned for us. You were always with Amanda, and then I was with Maya, and now you have Kristina.”

She didn’t hear Parker’s response.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, and it’s obvious you love your girlfriend, but I think we might have been compatible, at least to play together, just once.”

Her heart dropped into her stomach. She could hear Parker laughing.

“You laugh Miss Forsyth but if you think Amanda was tough, you have no idea what it takes to please me.”

She was holding her breath, torn between not getting caught listening and wanting to hear more.

“I don’t doubt we could have had fun, but I love Kristina, what’s past is past.”

She could hear the pause between them and wished she could see both their expressions in that moment.

“True. She’s certainly beautiful and seems sweet, not what I would have expected from you, but then again, nothing you’ve done since Amanda has been what any of us expected, yet you’re so much better for it. Do you ever miss it though?”

There was a pregnant pause.

“Being topped, I mean.”

She couldn’t take to hear the answer. She could already feel tears forming in her eyes. Turning to back towards the bathroom, she set off walking and crashed right into someone.

“Woah, Kristina. You okay?”

Maya held her by the arms keeping her on her feet as they both caught their balance.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

She didn’t know why she was so upset. Parker had made it clear she wasn’t interested, and it hadn’t even seemed like Elena was trying to start anything inappropriate now. It was just a simple observation of opportunity past, yet somehow, it had buried under her skin.

“That’s alright, I had to run to the car, Elena left her wallet. You coming back?” She gestured to the table and Kristina nodded, letting herself be lead along.

As they rounded the corner, Maya’s hand still on her arm, she tried to ignore what she swore was a flash of guilt in Parker’s dark eyes.

Elena paid the entire two hundred-dollar check without batting an eye, and as they said goodbye in the parking lot, Maya pulled her in for a hug.

“Get my number from Parker okay, and if you want to talk to anyone about the other side of things just let me know. Hopefully we can hang out again next time we’re in town?”

She nodded, agreeing, happy to feel like she had a friend.

Elena hugged her too. Though she was slightly formal and a little more guarded than Maya, she was easy to like and she admired her for how little everything seemed to phase her despite her disability. Kristina was frustrated by the flash of animosity she still felt when the woman released her, pausing for a minute to find her balance, before she pulled Parker in for a hug next.

***

She was quiet on the drive home, simmering. Parker had tried to ask her if she was okay, and then tried to make small talk. When both had failed they had listened to music, some singer Kristina didn’t remember the name of, in silence.

Part of her was aware she was being childish as she hurried out the car, slamming the door and rushing up the path to let herself into the house, not waiting for her girlfriend. A bigger part of her didn’t care, she didn’t know how else to handle the hurt that was somehow clinging to her. _Was she enough for Parker? Did Parker wish she could have slept with Elena instead?_

She disappeared into the study, kicking off her boots and closing the door, hoping that would convey the message that right now, she wanted to be alone.

_She just wanted Parker._

Her head was so tangled and she grabbed a book, trying to do something, anything, just to let herself settle, to choke down the explosion that was hot in her chest. _Why did Parker look so guilty?_

The door opened and she cursed to herself.

“Kristina. Honey…”

“I’m busy.”

_God, she hated how childish she was being._

“I understand, but I’m worried. Something upset you at lunch, you were having fun and then you weren’t, if it’s alright, I’d like to know why?”

_Ugh._

Parker was always _so logical, so reasonable, so freaking sweet_ , and right now, with the memory of Elena in her thousand dollar suit, perfectly quaffed hair, and big dark eyes, the memory of that voice, telling Parker that they could have been good together, she just couldn’t.

“I’m fine, I just need to study.”

She turned back to her book, hearing Parker take a deep breath. A dark little part of her buried deep, was pleased that she was getting to the woman.

“Kristina, you don’t get to do this, okay? You need to talk to me…”

Something snapped and she popped to her feet, all the anger she had been keeping so carefully down in her chest fizzed and crackled and spilled over. She could feel it blazing in her eyes.

“ _I_ need to talk to _you_? Really? And what about you, don’t you think there’s something _you_ need to tell _me_?”

_She would never be enough for Parker_. It was repeating like a chorus in her mind, and the only way to shut it up was to just give in and rage.

“Krissie… I…” Parker ran a hand through her hair, looking suddenly harrowed.

“Elena.” She spat the name, “And your little chat while I was coming back from the restroom.”

Parker laughed. She honest to god laughed, and suddenly Kristina was livid.

“That’s what this is, jealousy? Honey, Elena and I are old friends, I love you…”

She cut her off, pissed beyond belief.

“Right, and that’s why you were laughing with her, and decided not to tell me, because you’re friends?”

“I…” She spluttered. “Kristina. Where is this coming from, this jealousy is just… What are you so insecure about that have to react like… this?”

_God Parker was infuriating._

“Oh, because you’re so above jealousy? Like that night at The Floating Rib, you weren’t jealous at all, sure.”

Parker took a step forward, something in dark in her eyes, something that from anybody else might have scared Kristina, but she knew her. She could almost feel her strong hold, the rough kiss, the rake of nails on her skin that might have come to reclaim her, to distract her, and to take them off this collision course she was setting them on. Seeming to change her mind at the last minute, Parker pulled up short, licking her lips.

“I was jealous that night, and furious, with myself. I was in love with you, Krissie, I’d been in love with you for so long, and I’d ruined it, time and time again. So yes, seeing someone else kissing you, touching you, it hurt. But this isn’t that.”

Parker looked so broken for half a second that something in her relented. She was almost ready to apologize when the woman spoke again.

“And yes, I was jealous, but you know what? I handled my shit.”

The curse set off alarm bells inside her. This was going too far too fast, and it was all her own doing.

“I was jealous and angry and heartbroken, but rather than letting my own insecurity and disappointment become a rift between us, I dealt with those feelings like an adult, away from you.”

“You freaking followed me, Parker!”

She didn’t mean to yell, but she had, and those dark eyes were suddenly hurt, tired.

She could see the woman struggling to collect herself, the nervous little tells as she clasped her hands and took a deep breath.

“Fine. I’m sorry. I was worried about you and rather than letting you have your space I gave in to my own insecurities and came to check on you.”

_Were those tears in her eyes?”_

“I have grading to do. If you decide you want to talk I’ll be in my office. If you’d like me to sleep on the sofa tonight let me know ahead of time so I can take some Advil for my back beforehand.”

She turned to leave, one hand lingering on the doorknob, her voice quiet.

“I love you, Kristina. I am sorry for my part in making you feel like this, but I do hope you’ll think about the way you’re choosing to react.”

Then she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elena and Maya are original characters from my novel Off Balance which will be released in 2018. If you're interested in reading more about them you can follow me on twitter @LERoyalWrites for updates


	12. Chapter 12

Afternoon had faded into evening, and Kristina had only left the study to use the restroom. After Parker had left her she’d finally cried, hot angry tears that tasted like abandonment, yet she’d been the one to force her away.

She was worried, scared for so many things. The stupid psychic and the email from Amanda still weighed on her. She worried that she wasn’t enough, that soon Parker would realize she could have someone better, someone like Elena who could hurt her the way Amanda had, someone like Maya who would like to be hurt that way.

For the first time since the move, she was suddenly, cripplingly homesick. She missed Sam, Molly, her Dad, heck, she even missed her Mom.

The fight played back in her head like a horror reel, she watched herself say the wrong things, make the wrong turns, give in to her anger over and over, and Parker was so patient. Parker had given her a million chances to stop, to change what she was doing, and all she had done in return was use her anger to hide the fact that she hurt.

She’d liked Elena and Maya, and when she thought back over it all, Parker had been right. It was her own insecurity about whether she was enough, about whether Parker missed being dominated or longed for someone who could submit to her fully, that had caused all this.

_Do you miss it, being topped?_

That was the question that had really pulled her trigger. She rolled it around in her mind, ignoring the fact that although her book was open in her lap, the room was too dark for her to read anyway.

A soft rap at the door made her jump, and then it cracked open.

“Kristina, I just wanted to ask if you’d made up your mind about sleeping arrangements for tonight since I hadn’t heard?”

She could tell Parker had chosen the words carefully, probably even practiced them coming down the hall. She hated herself.

As dark eyes moved around the dimly lit room, she could feel their questions, and she knew she probably looked pathetic sitting here in the dark.

“Come in and turn on the lamp.”

It was meant to be a question, but somehow, scratchy from crying and from an afternoon of underuse, her voice had made it more of a demand.

Parker moved forward, stopping to flick on the lamp, casting a soft glow over the room before she moved to stand beside the sofa.

“Sit down.”

She sat, and Kristina swallowed hard.

“Parker…”

She took a deep breath, trying to dig the apology up from the deepest parts of her, to find the right words to explain, to put this right, because it was clear she had messed up, massively.

Parker looked lost, and Kristina knew as much as this woman was strong and logical and put together, somehow she had the power to hurt her terribly, and she hated that.

Not letting herself think she stumbled to her feet, swinging one leg over Parker’s and scooting onto her lap, hovering over her.

The woman was still as she took her face in her hands.

“I’m sorry.”

_No buts, no ands_ , she tried to let the honesty in those words be enough. The thought of losing her made Kristina crazy, she didn’t think she would survive. She still shrunk away from the thought of their first year, so painful, so messed up, so much longing, and aching, and burning to have her. Now here they were, and she was ruining it.

“Okay.”

Parker’s voice was a whisper.

“It’s not okay, I…”

Gentle hands settled her waist, and something was shifting in those dark eyes, turned bronze in the dim light of the lamp.

“Just kiss me, Kristina… please.”

It was the last thing she had expected, but a part of her came to life at the request, because this path was so much easier to navigate than the millions of words that were choking her.

She leaned down and Parker’s lips were soft, pliable under her own. She kissed her long and hard, frustrated when their response was minimal. When she pressed her tongue against them, testing, they opened for her immediately.

The hands on her hips squeezed ever so slightly and being close to her, with her fingers threaded in soft golden hair, chest to chest, for the first time since they said goodbye to Parker’s friends, she could breathe.

“Kiss me, baby…”

The request sounded broken even to her own ears, but she couldn’t take the passiveness in Parker’s kiss a second longer. The woman underneath her came to life, passion exploding between them, as suddenly they were kissing deeply, lovingly.

She wanted to touch Parker everywhere, to split her open and draw out all the pain she had caused her that day, to make love to her all night. She kissed her way down the familiar line of her jaw, enjoying the unsteady breaths she could hear below her, yet the hands at her waist stayed frustratingly still.

“Touch me.”

She met her dark eyes, scared to hold the gaze too long lest this moment between them shatter. Parker’s answer was quiet, the question genuine and careful.

“Where?”

Her heart skipped a beat, because suddenly, she recognized what was happening, as much as she was thrown by it. Part of her wanted to balk, but a larger part of her needed this, she needed her, to reconnect with her, more than she needed air.

“Put your hands up my shirt.”

The pads of fingers slipped beneath the thin material obediently, playing with the sensitive skin on the small of her back. She let the resulting moan fall from her mouth, hot against Parker’s ear and felt the woman shudder in response.

_She could do this._

Pulling back, she yanked her own shirt over her head and tried out another command.

“Take off your shirt.”

Parker did, and Kristina was frozen for a moment, watching her, hair mussed, dark eyes shining, chest heaving as she sat there, waiting.

_She was beautiful like this._

Climbing off her, she swallowed hard. Now she knew what they were doing it was harder somehow, but she told herself she was brave enough.

“Lie on the sofa.”

Parker obeyed instantly, falling back, golden hair splayed around her. Kristina moved to straddle her again, leaning down, and then she let herself get lost.

They kissed, they touched, and somewhere between the whispered commands that Parker dutifully obeyed, things felt like they were being fixed between them.

“Lift your hips up.”

She was breathless, desire and love burning her up, but this was about Parker, not her. She tugged the soft material of her pajamas down her legs, kissing her way back up, enjoying the way her body bucked off the sofa.

“Keep still.”

Kristina kissed her across a hipbone, nipping and sucking, her fingers playing with the elastic of her panties.

_She could do this._

“Tell me what you want, baby.”

It wasn’t a request. Her voice sounded different, even to her own ears, rich and dark, and so unlike her. Somehow, it made her braver.

“You.”

She smiled against soft skin, because she knew that answer too well, and she knew it was an evasion.

Kissing her way up she paused to tug off Parker’s bra, lathing attention over one nipple before she was hovering over her, her dark hair falling in a curtain around their faces.

“You can do better, Parker. Tell me what you want.”

She watched the older woman bite her lip, and she knew, she was deciding, she could feel the weight of the decision around them as she wondered if she would go there, all the way.

“Tell me Parker, now.”

The bite in her voice caught even her off guard, but the result was immediate.”

“I want you to make love to me, with your fingers.”

_God, that was hot._

She leaned down and kissed her, settling her own body in the tight space between Parker’s and the back of her sofa, ghosting her fingers over the wet material of her panties before she pulled it aside.

“Good girl.”

She delivered the words right as she ran her fingers through the length of her, pleased with the shudder that rocked her body.

“Open your legs.”

Thighs parted, one foot flat on the floor the other up on the sofa, giving her room.

“Put your hands over your head and hold the armrest.”

She did.

_God, Parker was gorgeous_ , dark eyes turned black, lip caught between her teeth, chest heaving. Kristina gave herself a minute just to watch her, just to remember this, enjoy it, while her finger rubbed softly inside her underwear.

“What now, baby?”

She could feel her body jump in response to the words.

“Make love to me, please.”

She kissed her cheek softly, giving herself a second to think, unsure about the blurring of lines between making love and power play. In the end, all she knew how to do was go with it.

Taking a deep breath, she let a finger slip lower, sinking into her. Parker gasped softly in response and it was like gasoline over the fire between her own legs, she squeezed them tight.

“Like that?”

She rubbed her inside, watching her head loll back.

“Yes.”

Kristina dipped her head, biting softly at a stiff nipple.”

“Yes what?”

Her heart was racing but this is where this had been going, and somehow, this was what she had needed. Feeling Parker clench tight around her, she knew it was something she had wanted too.

“Yes Mistress.”

She fucked her slowly, her head still spinning. _She was doing this_ , and it was _good_ and she wasn’t totally horrible at it.

“Like this?”

Parker nodded, her mouth open, hips rolling with the movement.

“Keep still.”

They dropped back to the sofa, and Kristina pushed herself up to hover over her.

“Kiss me, baby.”

She did, and Kristina let her finger move faster, one becoming two, the heel of her hand pressed up against her clit, pushing her along.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of it I just… I want to be enough for you.”

She hadn’t meant to let the words come out. She watched brown eyes snap open, though keeping them that way seemed to be an effort. She knew Parker was close, and she continued to move inside her.

“Kristina, you are enough for me, in every way, you’re more than enough for me. You’re the love of my damn life… God, can I touch you please?”

She nodded and slim arms wrapped around her shoulders, fingers soft in her hair, on her cheeks, and she leaned down and kissed Parker, long and slow, and hoped her apology was echoed there.

“Are you close?”

“Yes, honey.”

She twisted her fingers inside her, enjoyed the resulting moan that rung loud in the quiet room.

“Ask me.”

Parker groaned and she removed the pressure from her clit, unable to keep from smirking when the sound became a whimper.

“Ask me, baby.”

Something hot passed between them, their dark eyes meeting in the dim light.

“May I come for you, Mistress?”

Kristina couldn’t help but smile, pushing into her harder, deeper. She could feel her body tightening, winding up, and she knew soon, she was going to finish, whether she had permission or not.

Fingers gripped the back of her neck hard, and she pulled back to look down at her, looking into the dark eyes she loved so much.

Parker’s body bowed off the sofa, and Kristina could feel the press of her thighs around her hand, trying to fight off her orgasm.

“Come for me, Parker.”

She felt the flutter of her tumbling over the edge, and then Parker was moaning. Kristina leaned on one elbow, moving inside her, watching her, trying to figure out how _this_ was her life with this amazing woman.

When Parker finally collapsed back on the sofa, spent, she promised herself one thing.

Looking down at her, a smile leaking back onto swollen lips, happiness shining beneath shyness in her eyes, Kristina promised herself she was going to do better.

***

“Knock, knock.”

Kristina rapped softly on the door to Parker’s office at the university, waiting a beat before she let herself in.

“Krissie…” She watched the surprise on her girlfriend’s face bleed out into a smile. “Sweetheart, what are you doing here?”

She stepped into the room, pulling the door closed behind her, walking up to hover in front of Parker’s desk.

“You forgot your lunch this morning, so I thought I’d come by and see if maybe I could steal you for a surprise lunch date instead.”

Things had been better since the weekend. Between talking about jealousy and what it meant, and admitting that she had to work on her short temper, Kristina felt more in touch with herself than she ever had, and more in love with Parker. The woman was _good for her_ in a way nothing in her life had ever been, and she wanted to cherish her.

“Consider me surprised. I’d love to.”

Dark eyes were burning with happiness, and she knew Parker felt it too, this easy rhythm they seemed to have found together. They’d talked about what had happened in the study too, and although both of them had enjoyed it, they both preferred to stick with their usual roles, though they agreed occasionally it would be nice to switch.

“This reminds me of the year we met, being here, in a school.”

Parker laughed, shuffling the papers on her desk into a pile.

“Me too. You seemed so unobtainable to me then, but I’d never wanted anything so badly before.”

Kristina’s heart warmed.

“And look at us now.”

“Look at us now.” Parker echoed the words, a long beat passing between them, before seeming to clear her head, the woman began to shrug into her coat.

They walked hand in hand down the corridor and out into the cold air. Parker opened the car door for her and she slid inside. While the woman turned the keys in the ignition and put the car into drive, Kristina watched her. Unable to help herself, she reached over the console to tuck a lock of golden hair back behind her ear.

“Did I mention that I love you?”

Parker smiled, that soft shy smile that she loved.

“Maybe once or twice. Are you still trying to apologize for this weekend, because we’ve already talked about it, and we agreed everything is good.”

“Nope.” Kristina corrected her, “Not apologizing at all, I just wanted to see you today, and maybe spoil you because lunch is my treat. I was just lucky that you left your salad at home and gave me an in.”

She reached across, playing with Parker’s fingers where they rested on the gearshift. She loved this woman, and she loved seeing her so happy.

Lunch was a modest affair at a chain restaurant they both liked.

They’d talked and laughed and Kristina was still high on it all, so ridiculously in love with her. Something about the fight and the all the communication, the honesty and vulnerability that had followed, had put things into perspective for her. Things just felt good.

“So my student, from the carnival, you remember we bumped into them?”

Parker put down her fork and Kristina nodded.

“He asked me again today how my wife was doing.”

She could feel herself blushing, so she laughed.

“Guess I just give off the married vibe or something.”

Parker swallowed, and when she looked up, Kristina could see in her eyes that she wanted to say something. “I don’t mind though.”

She bit her lip, her heart beating faster. She recognized the signs, Parker was nervous and she was steeling herself, and whatever she was about to say was important.

“I actually like the thought of that for us, one day. Things are just so good, if forever can be like this then I want it, with you.”

Cool fingers took her hand and Kristina squeezed them tight as dark eyes fell away.

“Sorry, I just…”

“No…” She cut her off, not wanting her to take it back or be embarrassed.

“I feel the same way. I love our life together and when I think about the future I um,” She told herself to get it together, “I picture that for us too.”

“Yeah?” The question was hopeful and shy, and it made Kristina’s heart fly and fall and burst open.

“Yes. I can’t think of anything better than spending forever with you.”


	13. Chapter 13

Her hands shook as she pushed open the front door. Kristina was so relieved that Parker’s car was in the driveway that she was already running.

She dropped her book bag and headed up the stairs, taking them two at a time despite her heels.

“Kristina, is that you?”

She pulled up short in the doorway, forcing herself to slow down, to take a breath, to pull herself together.

_She just wanted Parker, she needed her_.

She needed to be near her so she could just breathe.

“Yeah, it’s me, sorry.”

She stepped into the room, going immediately to Parker where she was sitting back against the pillows, a book in her lap and a glass of wine on the nightstand.

“Hey, sweetheart.”

She sunk down on the edge of the bed, wrapping her arms around Parker’s middle, burying her face in her neck and telling herself that she could breathe, _she just had to breathe_.

Strong arms closed around her, the first piece of solace she had found since her day had been flipped upside down at lunchtime.

“Krissie, honey, what’s wrong?”

She clung to her, and shook her head.

Fingers combed through her hair and held her tight, and she tried not to think about the email, not to relive the words that by now were burned into her brain, memorized, despite having deleted the message hours ago.

_Kristina,_

_My last message went unanswered, I can only assume that means you haven’t been honest with Parker. My advice for you is this. Leave now. Parker still has a chance to come home, to save our marriage and to resume a life that she enjoyed and was successful in._

_Whatever may have happened, I know her, intimately. I know she will never be happy or fulfilled in a vanilla relationship. Parker enjoys pain. She enjoys receiving it, and as much as she hides it from herself, she enjoys giving it. You will never be what she needs._

_Once she finds out about your past you’ll be just another one of her broken toys. Do the right thing and let her come home. I will not sign the divorce papers until I receive a response. I also have interesting information regarding Kiefer Bauer._

_A_

“Honey, you’re shaking.”

Parker’s voice was soft, and full of concern.

_Parker loved her, she wanted her, she was enough for her._

She let out a long exhale.

“I’m sorry.” She sat up and cleared her throat, embarrassed now with dark eyes on her, though relief bleached the emotion out.

“I just had a really rough day. My mom tried to call again, and school was sort of awful. I just wanted to be near you.”

Slim fingers closed the book in her lap, setting it aside.

“Take your shoes off, and let’s get you out of this coat.”

Feeling guilty for the lie, she let the woman take care of her. Tugged back onto the mattress between Parker’s legs, her head resting on her chest, she felt stupid for her reaction.

A little part of her was scared by the panic that was plaguing her more and more frequently lately, it reminded her of a time in her life she didn’t care to think of, so she shoved it down.

Parker had just finished telling her about her day, and as much as Kristina had tried to listen, all she could think about were the words, the fact that Amanda thought she would never be enough for Parker, the fact that she knew about… _him_.

She should be used to this by now, life tugging the rug out from under her feet, but she had never been settled, never been happy like this, and she’d been stupid enough to think it could last.

_It would last._

This was making her crazy. She tried to focus on the fingers in her hair and ended up wondering if Parker ached to pull it, to push her down roughly and _take her over her knee_ , as Elena had called it.

“Do you ever think about spanking me?”

She felt Parker’s body tense, and she knew she was being messy, she was being confusing, but she just wanted to forget. She wanted to be enough for her, to give her everything. _Maybe she could._

“Kristina… What brought this on? I know you’re uncomfortable with the idea and that’s absolutely fine with me.”

Fingers scratched her scalp, loving, soft, reassuring, but Kristina didn’t find any comfort in them now, already chasing down the idea that was forming in her mind.

“But what if I wasn’t, or what if I’d thought about it and it was something I wanted to explore. Would you like that?”

She looked up at her, disappointed that Parker’s dark eyes were wary.

“Are you telling me you’ve changed your mind?”

The silence was loaded and she could feel her heart hammering in her chest. The thought alone terrified her. _The thought of losing Parker terrified her more._

“Hypothetically.”

She watched the woman swallow hard.

“If you decided it was something that you’d like to explore, then yes, I‘d be okay with doing that with you, but only as far as you were comfortable. I’ve told you honey, none of that is good for me unless it’s good for you. My pleasure comes from yours.”

“So you want to spank me?”

Something inside of her was recoiling, desperately screaming at her to shut up and stop, to back pedal, but she locked it down tight.

_She was not going to lose Parker. She could be everything she needed._

“That depends on the situation.”

_Why was she always so freaking careful, so grown up, so infuriating?_

Forcing her temper under control, knowing it was the fastest way to derail her plans, Kristina tried again.

“When we had lunch with Elena and Maya, she talked about taking her over her knee. What if _that_ was the situation?”

Parker’s face was unreadable, guarded.

“So you’re asking me if I’d like to use spanking as a punishment, in the instance that it was something we’d discussed and both consented to beforehand, and I felt you deserved it?”

She nodded, holding her breath as her girlfriend took a deep one.

“Yes. If it was something we both agreed to, I think I’d like to explore that with you.”

_Amanda was right_.

Suddenly her plan was vindicated. There was no going back.

_Parker liked this, she needed it_.

Kristina couldn’t bear to not be what she needed, to lose her.

“I want to explore it too.”

She was a liar.

She watched Parker lick her lips, felt her playing with the hem of her shirt.

“Well, I’m glad you were honest with me. I think we should both sleep on this discussion and we can talk about it some more this weekend…”

“No, Parker.” She cut her off, forcing her face into a smile that felt more like a grimace, her stomach twisting. “I want it now. I don’t want to wait.”

Parker laughed, soft and nervous in response.

“Kristina… This is all so sudden. I just…”

She leaned forward and kissed her.

Turning in her arms she swung one leg over her hips, straddling her, pouring herself into the kiss and trying to let it numb her.

_She could do this._

Parker’s hesitance waned, and she ground her hips down against her. The fire that always lived between them roared to life, washing away the awkwardness of the conversation, and suddenly the world made sense again.

_She could do this._

“Just trust me, please?”

She didn’t give her anytime to reply before she was kissing her again.

Parker wanted this, she could feel it in the way her fingers knotted tight in her hair, the hand that settled firm on her hip.

_She could do this for her._

“I want this, please, Mistress.”

She dropped the words hot against her ear, knowing it was a dirty tactic but uncaring.

A firm grip around her wrist surprised her, and then the room spun and she was flipped, laying on her stomach on the bed over Parker’s lap. The woman lifted a leg, bringing it down across the back of her thighs, effectively trapping her there, and then she stopped.

Kristina could hear her own breathing ragged in her ears, she could feel her heart racing. Her hands were shaking, palms clammy, so she clenched them into fists.

“You really want this?”

“Yes.”

She felt like she was floating, watching herself from above.

Slim fingers pushed underneath her body and unfastened her jeans, struggling to tug them down over her hips along with her panties, leaving them around her thighs.

Her cheeks burned hot in the cool air of the bedroom. She could only imagine how she looked, her backside bare, totally exposed, trapped as she was on her front.

“Are you sure you want this, honey?”

Parker’s voice wavered, but it was already slipping, spilling, and Kristina knew that against her better judgment, she was giving in.

“Yes, Mistress, please.”

She knew using the title would seal the deal. A hand pressed between her shoulder blades, pushing her torso all the way down onto the bed.

“We’re doing this Kristina, because you’ve asked me to spank you, do you understand?”

_God this was happening._

She wanted to get up, and run screaming far from this, far from that voice, from dominant Parker, from Parker who had her pinned down and was going to hurt her.

She stayed frozen on the bed and her mouth moved without her permission.

“Yes Mistress.”

“I’m going to spank you five times and you’re going to count them.”

Silence.

It hung between them and Kristina was shaking, everything inside her trembling in abject terror, horror, and she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t get any air into her lungs to scream.

_She could be good enough for Parker, she could do this, it wasn’t like before. It wasn’t like with him._

She heard a sharp intake of breath and then a loud slap rung out, pain bloomed across her backside and tears leaked from her eyes.

“One.”

Her teeth were chattering, anticipation making her feel sick as she felt Parker’s body move as she drew back to hit her again.

“Two.”

It hurt. It hurt worse than she’d thought, and all this was too familiar, but she couldn’t find her voice to ask her to stop.

Parker hit her again.

“Three.” She barely got the word out. She was crying silently, tears soaking the bed where her face was pressed into the comforter. Parker hesitated.

She was panting, short sharp breaths that Kristina recognized.

_She liked this, it excited her_. _Parker liked to hurt her._

The realization resurrected something deep inside of her.

She heard the whistle of her palm through the air and she jerked, not escaping in time to avoid the blow.

“Stop, stop, stop.”

She tugged hard away from her, stumbling off the bed, her pants trapping her thighs together making it hard for her to move.

“Kristina…”

Parker was already reaching for her. She looked devastated.

“Don’t…. Don’t freaking touch me.”

She skittered back against the wall, hurt and fear and shame choking her. Her backside burned against the carpet and she couldn’t do this, not again.

“Honey…”

Parker looked horrified, hands up in surrender, guilt and fear breaking over her beautiful face, but Kristina couldn’t stop, she couldn’t go back and let her finish, and she couldn’t calm herself enough to let the woman touch her.

“I need a minute. I need a minute, please Parker, just… go… Please…”

She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t do this, and worst of all, she knew she was messing everything up.

Parker looked broken, the flush of arousal still dying on her cheeks, tears in her eyes. She lingered for a long moment, breathing hard.

“I’ll be downstairs. Please… just…” She stumbled over the words looking lost, and Kristina felt her heart fracture.

“Call for me if you need me okay?”

She nodded, just wanting her to leave. When she finally did, she gave in to the tears that had been thick in her throat since she had received the email.


	14. Chapter 14

They hadn’t talked about it, not since that night.

Parker had returned to the bedroom an hour later with red puffy eyes and some Advil. Kristina knew she had trembled at first when the woman had reached for her to help her up from the floor. Eventually she had relaxed into her arms.

She hated the memory of Parker crying into her hair, apologizing again and again, the gentleness of her fingers rubbing arnica into her burning behind - all they did was remind her of how much she had made her girlfriend hurt.

She knew the guilt was eating Parker. They had talked some that night and agreed that striking was, and always would be, a hard limit. Parker had begged for her forgiveness, never believing the blame lay with Kristina, no matter how much she protested.

No matter how many days passed, and it had been a week, Kristina couldn’t shake the feeling that she had broken things. She couldn’t escape the fear that Amanda’s email had put into her chest.

_How did she know his name?_

“I love you, Krissie.”

Parker’s voice was soft, careful as it had been since that night. Kristina realized with a start that they had arrived, the car was pulled up to the curb by her school.

“I love you too.”

She clung to Parker when she leaned over to hug her, trying to soak up all the warmth she offered, the feeling of being close to her, to get her through another day of wondering, of waiting for everything to break.

“Be safe and let me know if anything changes and you need a ride okay?”

Parker was stalling, and she let her.

“Yeah, of course. I’ll be home right after this class so I’ll cook something for us tonight.”

She offered her what she hoped was a reassuring smile, but she knew it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Okay, honey.”

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she opened the door, hovering on the sidewalk.

“I love you so much, Kristina. Always.”

Those dark eyes were heavy, sad, and they made Kristina’s heart ache, her stomach twisting into burning knots of self -loathing.

She had caused all this.

“I love you too baby. Drive safe, okay?”

Begrudgingly, she closed the door, watching the dark sedan until it disappeared around the corner, leaving her empty.

Turning, she set off at a brisk walk, eager to get to class and get out of the cold, out of her head. She turned down the side of the theatre building, checking her cell, hoping the secret shortcut would buy her a little time and she could get a good seat.

“I was beginning to wonder if you were going to skip today, but Parker would never allow that, would she?”

That voice sent ice spilling into her veins.

Her nerves were already fraught, she was tired from a week of worrying and wondering, but she forced herself to dig deep.

Stopping, she turned around. Taking a deep breath, she held the woman’s eyes.

“Hello, Amanda, or do you still prefer _Mandy_?”

There was just enough acid in her tone to bite.

“We’re practically old friends now, _Krissie_ , you can call me whatever you like.”

Her blue eyes glittered like steel in the bright morning light. She was flawless in her thick black peacoat, her blonde hair poker straight around her face. Kristina hated that her height meant that she had to look up at her.

“What the hell do you want?”

In that moment she wished for her father, for his guards, for Parker or Sam, or anyone to save her from this. When the realization that she was alone settled around her, she lifted her chin and squared her shoulders, letting all her fear turn to anger in her chest.

“I told you I had something to tell you. But first, I want an answer. Have you told Parker about your marriage? About that nasty stint in the hospital, all the broken bones on the x-rays that had already healed?”

_She could do this, she had dealt with bigger bitches than her. She just had to hold it together._

“I could list them, but that would just bore us both.”

“That’s none of your business and neither is what I talk about with my girlfriend.”

She let her dark eyes blaze.

Amanda laughed.

“Oh Kristina, sweetie, _my wife_ will always be my business.”

Steeling herself, Kristina stepped closer to the woman.

“What exactly do you want, _Mandy_? Because if it’s Parker, that’s not going to happen. One, because she’s with me now, and two because she’s her own person who makes her own decisions and she’s already decided, and she chose me.”

She couldn’t help the smug smile she could feel tugging at her lips, playing in her eyes.

“ You poor, broken little girl. Parker is infatuated with you yes, but it won’t last. She _will_ come to her sense and she _will_ come back home, back to where she belongs.”

The woman was fierce, but Kristina wasn’t afraid.

“Whatever you have to tell yourself.”

She turned to leave, feeling better than she had in days.

Amanda was just a jilted ex-lover. She had orchestrated all this, and Kristina promised herself no more.

Tonight she was going home and she was going to tell Parker everything. She was going to fix this. She took a step and she felt big, brave and healed, like the sun had come out for the first time in days.

The future was close, bright and shimmering. She remembered the shyness in Parker’s voice when they’d talked about marriage, the soft creases at the corner of her eyes when she had smiled down at Katie.

Parker was it for her, she was the love of her life, and she was done letting this crazy bitch taint that.

“We still need to talk about Keifer.”

The mirage shimmered, the hope in her chest bleeding out, forced aside by the panic that crawled sick over her skin.

“Kiefer’s dead. There’s nothing to say.”

She whirled around, watching as Amanda sashayed back towards her. The woman was too confident, apparently unnerved by what Kristina had said, and that only made her panic more.

“It’s interesting that you say that Kristina, but think about it, honey.”

The familiar endearment in Amanda’s voice made her feel ill.

“Poor little battered Kristina, laying in a hospital bed all broken and afraid. Would you have got up if he wasn’t? Could you have got on with your life if he was still around?”

She tried to control her breathing, tried to hold onto the feeling that had been so pleasant just a moment before. Her hands were shaking so she balled them into fists at her sides, thinking of Parker, _of safety, of forever._

“He’s gone. My mother hit him with a car and killed him, so it really doesn’t matter.”

She tried to find some malice, dug deep for some spite, some of the smug, spoiled little girl she had been for so many years before life started to beat her down. In that moment it deserted her.

“So convenient.” Amanda’s voice was sing-song, and she could feel herself being played with. They were dancing a tango now, dark, and dangerous, and somehow the older woman was always one step ahead.

“A little too convenient really. Think, Kristina, you’re a bright girl, my wife wouldn’t be bending you over if you weren’t. Your father has made people disappear before, and a convenient little story to give you the closure you oh so desperately needed wouldn’t be too hard to come up with.”

_No._

Everything inside her screamed, railed, recoiled.

_He was dead, he was dead… He had to be dead._

“That’s right. You can find the answer. Think carefully.”

She hated her voice, thick like syrup, sticky and viscous as it sank inside her. Bile rose in her throat, and she fought the urge to retch.

“Kiefer’s alive and well, darling. And imagine his surprise when he found out you were dating a woman now.”

She was shaking, trembling from the pit of her stomach outwards, shaking all the way down to her toes.

“He’s very interested in talking to you. He’s interested in meeting Parker too, but of course we can’t have that can we?”

Something flipped in those grey eyes, and her voice dropped to subzero, ice cold.

“Parker is mine, or she’s no ones. If you know what’s good for you, or for her, you’ll leave her now and go. Go far away, go back to Port Charles and let Daddy protect you. If you stay in Oregon he _will_ find you both.”

She couldn’t breathe. She was suffocating, the edges of her vision turning black.

“Some things in life just aren’t meant for us to keep, Kristina. Parker is one of those things. Do what’s right and let her come home. While she’s still around to make that choice.”

She was bent double, her hands on her knees though they shook so hard they did little to support her.

“Better get going, darling. Wouldn’t want to be late for class.”

She couldn’t lift her head. All she saw was Amanda’s expensive designer boots as they walked away.

The minute they were gone, thankful nobody was around on the little-known shortcut to see, she turned and vomited on the sidewalk.

***

She was moving like she was in a dream, a nightmare. It was like watching herself from above, from below, from under the water.

Her bag was packed and waiting behind the front door, Parker’s pillow on top of it.

The pen was in her hands, and they shook, badly.

_She couldn’t let him hurt Parker._

She couldn’t face him again. If it came down to it he could have her, if it would save Parker.

She had to go.

Running a hand through her hair, she tried again to find the words.

Her tears dripped onto the little pad of paper she had found in the study. She was scared to start to write, scared if she did, she would never stop and the whole sordid story would spill out.

Parker couldn’t know. She couldn’t follow her or look for her. She had to believe it was over so she would be safe.

A horn sounded outside, making her jump, the glass of water she had poured but not drank fell from the side table in the hall, shattering as it hit the floorboards. Her heart beat hard.

She had to go.

_He was alive. She couldn’t let him hurt Parker._

Quickly putting pen to paper, she scribbled down the only thing she could think to say.

Picking up her travel bag and the pillow, she hurried out the door, struggling to turn the key in the lock with shaking fingers. Tears spilled over onto her cheeks as she got it closed. She paused as she passed the mailbox, leaving her key inside.

If the cab driver cared that she was crying, he didn’t show it, just asking for her destination and politely keeping his eyes on the road as she sobbed all the way to the airport.

The panic was still there, breaking her, numbing her, keeping her constantly shaking, her teeth chattering exhaustingly.

Beneath it, her heart broke. She was lost, ruined. Most of all she was haunted, tortured by the pain she knew she was going to cause the person she loved the most in the entire world, the minute she got home and read the note.

The words were scratched quick and rough, smudged a little by her tears. They were the only thing she could think to say.

The sick symmetry of it all crashed over her, and she let her head fall back against the seat, eyes closing.

Behind her eyelids all she saw was those same words that she had read, that she had written, over and over again.

_I’m sorry. I can’t._


	15. Chapter 15

She rapped her knuckles against the door, bag on the floor at her feet, one arm around herself, holding herself together. She had to get inside, off the street, away from where he might find her.

“Kristina?”

The door had opened. She stumbled forwards.

“Kristina.”

Strong arms wrapped tight around her, and she buried her face in the thick flannel of her robe.

Finally letting her go, Sam moved around her, dragging her bag and the pillow inside.

“Kris, what the hell happened?”

She was crying. She’d thought her tears had finally run dry sometime while she was flying, but she had been wrong.

“What did she do? Molly said you were happy…”

_God, she couldn’t think about Parker._

“It was me. I… I messed it all up.”

Sam hugged her again and she let herself take comfort in it. She clung to her, hating herself because she didn’t deserve to be hugged.

“Come on, come and sit down.”

She trudged to the sofa when she was released, watching her sister lock the dead bolt, slide the chain back into place, and lock the extra slide bar that was definitely a new addition since the last time she had been here.

“Jesus, Kristina. You look like shit.”

She just sat there on the sofa, numb, tired from a long evening of travelling.

“Does Mom know you’re here?”

“No.” Panic made her voice crack. She cleared her throat. “No one knows. I came straight here. I just need some time to…”

_Time to hide from him. Time to figure out what to do._

“…to get on my feet, Sam. Please… Please don’t tell her, I just, not yet.”

“Hey…” Sam sat beside her, dark eyes concerned. “Okay, just take a breath, that’s okay. Just stay here for now and we’ll figure it out, okay?”

She nodded, tears spilling onto her cheeks. She didn’t deserve this, not any kind of comfort or support, not when she had left Parker there all alone.

“Look, it’s after midnight. Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll have the guest room ready for you when you’re done okay?”  
“Okay.” She sounded hoarse, tired, even to her own ears. “I’m sorry for just showing up like this. I couldn’t face mom, and I just…”

Sam’s fingers wrapped around hers, squeezing tight.

“Whatever happened, we’ll figure something out. I’m glad you came.”

She tried to return her sister’s smile, but it felt like she’d forgotten how.

She let herself be tugged along to the bathroom, a thick fluffy towel pressed into her hands.

“Just help yourself, you know how it goes. Spare toothbrushes in the cabinet, ‘kay?”

She nodded, mumbling a thank you.

“Just get some sleep Kristina, things will look better in the morning.”

Her voice was a whisper, and Kristina knew the kids were asleep just down the hall.

“Oh.” Sam paused, turning back to her. “While you’re here, don’t open the door to anyone you don’t know, okay?”

It was a weird request, but she was too tired to really grasp its meaning so she nodded.

Leaden legs took her to the shower and she turned it on, peeling off her clothes on autopilot and stepping inside.

The warm spray felt good against her skin. For a second, she could breathe, the grime of travel and the ache in her muscles from almost constantly shaking, were being washed pleasantly down the drain. _With the last trace of Parker._

Suddenly it was ruined for her.

_She didn’t deserve this_.

She had messed everything up, broken it beyond repair. She didn’t deserve to feel better. Turning the dial until the water ran cold, she forced herself to stand under the icy spray and let it drench her.

She washed her hair slowly, ignoring the way her teeth chattered and she couldn’t feel her fingers.

She tried not to think of Parker, and when she failed, she sat there under the freezing water and cried.

***

“Kristina?”

A gentle hand on her arm was drawing her out of sleep. Something soft and warm was settled pleasantly on her chest, and she clung to it. She was tired down to her bones, and she needed just five more minutes to rest.

“Kristina…”

“Parker?”

She blinked, light pouring in through the open curtains made her squint. The room spun around her.

Scout sighed softly against her chest, and the events of the previous day rushed back to her like a punch to the gut. It left her breathless, broken open, raw.

“She’s missed you.”

Sam looked down at her, and Kristina tried to smile, tried to do anything other than let the pain that was burning a hole inside her show on her face.

“I missed her too. She’s so big now, I can’t believe it.”

The little girl was fast asleep in her arms.

After her shower last night Scout had been awake, fussy, and Kristina had settled down with her in the rocking chair in the corner of her nursery, a blanket over them both.

Scout was the perfect antidote. She was too little to ask questions, too young to know, but her presence meant she wasn’t alone. She guessed she had fallen asleep there.

“Kristina…” Sam’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts again, and she could see the concern in her eyes.

“I have to do the school run, do you have her?”

She swallowed hard, trying to collect herself.

“Yeah… Of course.”

She gave her sister what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

“We’re all good here.”

“Okay. We’ll talk when I get back.” She was halfway out the nursery before she paused.

“Don’t open the door, okay?”

It was easy to agree, but surely _he_ wouldn’t think to look for her here?

_She knew better than to underestimate him._

“Okay.”

She waited until the noise down the hall died, then woke Scout from her sleep. Maybe it was selfish but she couldn’t bear to be alone.

It was easy to lose herself in caring for the little girl, in marveling at the full head of hair that had come in since she’d last seen her. The fact that she could gather it into a tiny little tuft of a ponytail on top of her head, made her want to both laugh and cry.

“You’re so big now, Scout, yes you are.”

They were settled on the sofa, a cartoon she didn’t know the name of playing quietly on the TV. The shrill ring of a phone made her jump. Scout looked up at her, round dark eyes full of concern.

It couldn’t be her phone, it had been switched off, the sim card removed so she couldn’t be found since she had left home.

_Left Oregon._

This was her home again now.

“That’s okay, Scout. Mommy will be back soon.”

She tried to let herself get lost again, to cling to the solace she had found, but it slipped through her fingers like sand.

By the time the door opened and Sam was home, the ache inside her was burning a hole in her again, tearing her apart.

“Everything okay?”

She nodded, taking the coffee that was pressed into her hand, and reluctantly releasing Scout when Sam took her and set her in her playpen on the floor.

“So…”

Her sister looked older somehow. Kristina noticed new lines on her face, creasing the corners of her mouth, running across her brow, they hadn’t been present when she’d left.

“Come on, Kristina, you have to give me something. You show up here in the middle of the night in a state, and you’re like a zombie… Are you okay?”

She took a large sip of the hot coffee, hardly feeling it burn her mouth, burn all the way down her throat. Even with it inside her, she felt cold, frozen.

“I told you. I screwed up with…” _God, she couldn’t even say her name_. “I screwed up big time.”

Sam’s brow furrowed.

“What could be so bad that it came to this? I mean, did you cheat or, what?”

“No, no…”

She didn’t have it in her to be unfaithful to Parker. Why would she cheat when she’d had everything she’d ever wanted and more?

“Then what? The woman was besotted with you. Last update I got you were all set for a happily ever after. What could you have done to make her kick you out?”

She swallowed hard. The hole was growing bigger, tugging, tearing, twisting around the edges. She wrapped an arm around her stomach and let it burn.

“She didn’t kick me out. I left. I messed up and it was too late to go back so.” She swallowed hard. Her eyes were still sore from yesterday, and thankfully, she just didn’t have any tears left to cry.

“Can we just… not talk about this, please?”

She could see Sam struggling to understand, and she knew how she must look to her, lost, and broken, and messy.

“Kris… She gave up her career for you. You guys ran off and started a life together. I was just talking to Molly like three days ago, and saying we couldn’t believe how happy you were. You’ve never been like that. Are you sure that whatever you did is so bad she couldn’t forgive you? Did you even give her a chance?”

She set her coffee down on the coffee table with a thud, Scout chattered uneasily from the carpet, and she pressed her fingers hard into her eyes.

“I just can’t talk about it now. Please?”

It was hard to squeeze the words around the tears in her throat, but somehow, she did it. She tried to pull herself together, she could feel Sam’s eyes on her, but she couldn’t look up.

“Okay.”

Sam gripped her knee, comforting. She took a deep breath, letting her hands fall back into lap, squeezing her sister’s.

“Do you have a plan?”

She shrugged. Beyond getting out of Oregon and getting as far away from Parker before he found them as she could, she really hadn’t thought much about it.

“Stay here for right now, just until I figure things out.”

“And we’re not telling Mom or Dad or anyone?”

“No.”

Sam sighed, and she hated that she was doing this, that she was burdening someone else. She couldn’t get anything right anymore. A little part of her whispered that maybe she should just go back to him. Maybe if she found him before he found her, he wouldn’t be so mad. Maybe he would forget about Parker and just take all this out on her instead.

_Maybe that was better._

She could feel Sam’s eyes on her face, watching her, picking her actions apart, and she forced herself to clear her head.

“You can’t hide forever. You know that right.”

She nodded. The double truth in the words made her want to lean forward and purge the contents of her empty stomach all over the carpet under her feet.

_She couldn’t hide from him forever. He always knew._

“Alright, well, I’m glad you’re here. The kids are going to be so happy.”

Sam put on a smile for her, and she loved her sister in that moment more than she thought she ever had before.

***

It was like living on an island, surrounded by the sea. She was safe, far away from the rest of the world yet she was trapped, and the minute he came to find her, she had absolutely nowhere left to run.

Her days were filled with Scout and somehow that helped her forget how lost she really was.

Parker hadn’t tried to contact her, not that she could. She had stayed far away from anything _he_ could use to find her – social media, email, her phone was still in pieces in the bottom of her half-unpacked bag.

She tried to fill her days with being useful, helping around the house, babysitting, and somehow, she learned to exist again.

Any peace she found was temporary, and the panic was crippling when it came. Every knock at the door sent her stomach spilling onto the floor. Every time Sam got a call, she waited for her sister to look up at her, surprised and horrified, when she realized that he was still alive, and looking for her.

She went to bed clutching Parker’s pillow every night, and fell asleep promising herself she would never forgive herself for the devastation she knew she had wreaked on the woman she loved.

_She probably deserved for him to find her anyway. She was sure he would, soon._

“Kristina.”

She jumped, sloshing scolding coffee all over her legs.

“Hey, easy.”

Sam sat beside her, taking the mug from her fingers and grabbing some Kleenex from the table to blot at her ruined pants.

“Listen. This is going to sound strange, but just hear me out okay?”

She nodded, anxiety gnawing at her insides.

“If anything happened to us, you’d take care of Scout right?”

Something in the words cut through the fog. For the first time, she felt like she could pull her head out from under the water, something bigger than just her own ruined life seemed to be at stake.

“I mean, of course… But what brought this on?”

“It’s nothing. I just… I see how much she loves you, and she’s missed you. You’re good with her, I guess it just put things into perspective for me.”

Kristina searched her face. There was something there, but she couldn’t put her finger on what, and selfishly, she was too tired to try.

“But you guys aren’t going anywhere, right?”

Alarm bells were ringing, but she told herself it was just a product of the panic, of the adrenaline that practically lived in her bloodstream nowadays. She was always on edge, always two steps away from breaking, and it was crippling.

“No, of course not. I’m just glad you have this time with her, even if I do think you need to fix things with Parker, or at least try.”

She swallowed hard.

“I told you, there’s nothing left to fix.”

“Oh my god, Kristina. You don’t know that. It sounds like you just left without even giving her a chance.”

Some days she just ached to be able to tell the truth. She could feel it, heavy on her lips, _right there_. She wanted to scream it, to shout it, so just someone, anyone, could understand. Someone could tell her she wasn’t crazy, that she was vindicated in all this.

“I’m not telling you what to do, but at least tell me you’ll think about it?”

Knowing she wouldn’t get any peace otherwise, she nodded.

“Life is too short, you were too happy. If you really love Parker, and she’s really what you want, you owe it to yourself to give it every shot, even if that means you have to be brave.”

She could feel herself splintering, fracturing, and pulling apart. It took every ounce of strength she had left to keep it off her face, to keep it all tucked away inside her. _How she wished it were that simple._

The trill of the doorbell saved her, and then it wrecked her.

“Stay here.”

Sam must have sensed her discomfort. Her sister had been on high alert since her arrival, always checking the peephole, telling her not to open the door.

Kristina wrapped her arms around herself, surprised by how strangely they fit.

_Surely she hadn’t lost that much weight in a week? God it had been a whole week since she’d left Oregon, since she’d left her…_

“Kristina.”

She looked up, coming face to face with the furious eyes of her Mother. She instantly looked at Sam, betrayed.

“Oh don’t blame her, she’s lied for you for who knows how long now. She tried not to let me in.”

Her heart was beating hard, painful.

“Imagine my surprise when Parker Forsyth turned up on my doorstep this morning, looking for you.”


	16. Chapter 16

Another week had passed, the comfortable bubble she had existed inside when she had first arrived in Port Charles, long broken.

Her mother had been relentless.

_Thank god for Sam._

The conversation when her Mom had found her had quickly become an argument. She’d sat there and watched, a spectator in her own life as her mom had demanded answers, and Sam had defended her right not to give them.

A stony silence had settled over the family, and she knew soon, her Father would know too. Everyone would know that she was back again, broken again. She was a failure like she had always been, no matter how hard she had tried, pretended otherwise.

_He would find out soon enough._

Once her presence in Port Charles was no longer a secret, she was forced uncomfortably back into the real world. Everything continued on around her, and no one seemed to notice she was drowning.

Sam started to ask her to run to the store, to pick up the kids. Unable to deny the woman who had done so much for her, she would go, never telling her about the harrowing ordeal stepping out of the safety of the house had become for her. The panic attacks, she was even able to call them that now, were getting more frequent. In between them she was numb, dead inside, and terrified by her own indifference.

_She was waiting._

She was sitting in her old bedroom at her Mother’s place now, after being summoned to the house for lunch.

She had shaken like a leaf the whole way there, eyes combing the sidewalk for him, her heart beating hot in her throat, choking her, until finally she was safe behind the big old front door.

Her mom was worried.

She had hovered and pried, and done all the wrong things that told Kristina that she cared. It might have been nice if she wasn’t so damn smug in her victory, so satisfied that she had lost Parker that she couldn’t even keep it off her face.

Lunch had been tense. She hadn’t been able to choke down enough of her plate to satisfy the woman, hadn’t been able to piece herself together enough to hold a conversation, and Alexis’s frustration had predictably boiled over into anger.

When she'd stormed off into her office, Kristina had come up to her old room, not really knowing why.

She felt alone, more alone than she had ever been.

She told herself to enjoy it because soon, she would _long_ for it.

There would be a shiny new cell phone with a special ringer, a GPS chip already inside. There would be urgent text messages, _take a picture holding up three fingers with a background that proves you are where you say, you have five minutes._ There would be the consequences when inevitably, eventually, she failed.

She remembered it all too well, and she was so numb, that she couldn’t even fight it coming.

The déjà vu was crippling. She sat on the bed, back in that room, back in that life, trying to find the strength to care.

The doorbell rang twice below, and anxious, suddenly convinced he had found her, she pushed up off the bed. Hovering at the top of the stairs, hands shaking, she listened to her mom’s heels clack across the floor, before the lock snicked open.

“What the hell do you want?”

_It was him. He’d found her. It was over._

“Alexis, I have to see Kristina.”

That voice breathed life into her, filling her lungs and clearing her chest and forcing her heart to take its first stuttering, struggling beat in days.

And then it ruined her.

_What the hell was Parker doing in Port Charles?_

She’d thought her one success in all this was that Parker would be in Oregon, she would be safe.

“Like hell you’re seeing her. My daughter is done with you, Parker. Your little game is done. Kristina’s come to her senses and you need to leave her alone, for good.”

She sank down, her backside hitting the top stair hard as she sat there, head against the railing and listened.

“I’m not leaving until I speak to Kristina.”

“Your little fling is over. I suggest you leave and don't come back, do not contact my daughter, don't even think about her…”

Her mom was vicious in her conviction, and she could imagine the sneer on her face. It was almost enough to make her get to her feet and move, to go down there and defend Parker, because it was her fault, _all of it_ , but she knew if she saw her, she would break.

“She wasn’t a fling, she was everything!” Parker roared the words, it was a battle cry, a truth, a confession. It was rough, and raw and broken. The sound cut through something inside her, waking her up.

Hope shimmered impossibly close to her, and for almost a second she believed that maybe, it could be enough. But she knew better.

“She is absolutely everything to me, Alexis, and I know that you hate me and you never wanted us together, but we were happy! We had a life, and then she was just… gone. I deserve to know why.”

Tears streamed down her face, and she heard her Mother laugh.

“Goodbye, Professor Forsyth.”

And then the door was slammed closed.

She held her breath. Heels paused at the foot of the stairs, then seeming to think better, she heard her mom walk away.

“Kristina!”

Parker’s voice came to her, quiet through the walls, but there. Stumbling up to her feet, she ran to her room, hiding behind the curtain and peering down through the window.

Her heart stopped at the sight of her.

“Kristina!”

She was running a hand through her hair, pacing, screaming, out on the street, yelling for her like a madwoman. She was so torn up, so undone, so unlike any of the versions of Parker she had ever known.

“Kristina, I know you can hear me.”

Her mother must have gone out onto the porch, she saw Parker’s eyes flash, but she didn’t leave.

“I love you, Krissie. I freaking love you, but I cannot keep wrecking my life for you. If you changed your mind, that’s… fine.”

She stopped to take a breath, and Kristina watched her swipe roughly at the tears under her eyes.

“But I deserve to know. Because I love you and I know you loved me. I’m not going anywhere, not until you tell me the damn truth. I deserve that much!”

All of her plans turned to dust.

_Parker had to leave_ , she couldn’t stay here, the first place _he_ was going to look for her.

She rushed down the stairs, moving faster than she had in days, weeks. Part of her was scared she would fall, but a larger part of her didn’t care.

Parker was in the freaking street, screaming that she loved her, here, in Port Charles.

_He was going to know, he was going to know, he was going to know._

She had to get her to leave. _Now._

She stepped out in bare feet, and immediately, her mom’s hands closed around her arms.

“Go back inside, Kristina, right now.”

“Get the hell off me!” She snapped, pushing the woman away, ignoring the hurt that ricocheted across her features.

Parker was already waiting for her, rushing towards her, the sun coming out across her face.

“Kristina?”

“Parker, you have to leave.”

The words were rushed, and toneless, like she’d read them from a script.

“You heard her…”

“Mom, go inside!” She turned on the woman, surprised by the volume, the strength in her own voice.

“This has nothing to do with you so just stay the hell out of it!”

A long moment passed, and then with a final glare at Parker, miraculously, for once, her mom did as she was asked.

Turning, she took a deep breath and gave herself a moment, just a single moment, to look at Parker.

Dark circles hung underneath tired eyes. Her hair was messy. Though her makeup was in place and she was as well dressed as ever, somehow she just looked sallow. Hollow.

Kristina ached for her. The three steps that separated them felt like the most uncrossable distance of her entire life.

“Krissie… Honey.”

Parker took a step forward and she forced herself to step back. The effort it took ripped and tore at the shredded mess that was left of her heart.

_Parker wasn’t safe here, she had to get her to go._

Her eyes scanned the sidewalk, looking for him, looking for anything out of place, a car parked too long, any movement in the trees.

“Kristina, you look terrible. Talk to me sweetheart, please. Tell me what I did, tell me how to make it right?”

She turned her eyes back to Parker, steeling herself.

“You need to leave Parker. Go back to Oregon and leave me alone.”

_There._

It was done. _She could do this, she could survive this_. She could set Parker free to save her. _She had to._

“Kristina, we need to talk.”

Logic, and reason, and fire burned in those dark eyes. She could feel Parker digging in, gritting her teeth, committing to seeing this through.

She shook her head.

“There’s nothing left to say.”

“There’s everything left to say, Krissie, everything.”

She was tired, and fucked up, and failing.

“I want you to go.”

_She wanted her to stay, to stay and never ever leave her._

The words were a silent scream, clawing their way up her throat, she had to grit her teeth lest they spill out and she’d admit it all, pour it all out, right there on the sidewalk.

Tears shone in Parker’s eyes.

“If that’s what you really want, I’ll respect that. But first we need to talk, and not here…” She gestured around.

“We need to sit down and talk like two adults, two fucking adults Kristina, who were in love and had a life, and …” She stopped, pressing three fingers to her lips and blinking hard, until she had choked down the sob Kristina could hear in her voice.

“We need to talk, just the two of us, in private. And if you still want me to go after we have, then I will.”

_She had no choice._

“When?”

“I’m staying at the hotel where…”

_They first made love._ Her mind finished Parker’s sentence when the woman couldn’t.

“Fine. Tomorrow at noon?”

Her voice was cool, calm, all business, and she was proud of herself for that.

Parker nodded, seeming to deflate, all her conviction dying on her beautiful face, replaced by fear.

Kristina knew she was starting to believe her, starting to buy into yet another of her lies, _the biggest lie of all_ – that she didn’t want her anymore.

“I’ll get your room number from the desk.”

The woman nodded. Though the conversation was over, she made no move to walk away.

“Kristina…” Her name was a plea and when dark eyes found hers they were broken, pouring tears down her face.

She wished for it all to end.

She had to do this, she just had to get rid of Parker, to know she was safe, then he could have her because she deserved it, _all of it_.

“Goodbye, Parker. See you tomorrow.”

She turned, and forced herself back into the house.


	17. Chapter 17

Her Mom had returned her to Sam’s house in silence. Kristina couldn’t even bring herself to feel anything about the hurt in the woman’s eyes as she watched her get out of the car.

She’d barely slept the night before, thrown up the little bit of coffee she’d choked down that morning, and had to start her makeup over twice because she’d cried.

 _Thank god for Sam_.

She had been amazing, offering to drive her to the hotel without prying, saving her another terrifying bus journey.

Walking towards the lobby, Kristina felt empty, lost, like an imposter in her own life. The outfit she had chosen was casual, but she remembered once upon a time it had made her feel pretty. It hung loose on her now, her jeans slack on her hips, falling off the flat lines of her body where they used to cling to her curves.

She felt as ugly on the outside as she was on the inside. The hole burned and she tried to fight away the panic that prickled at the back of her neck.

This was the last time. She just had to do this one last time. She had to make sure Parker was safe, and then she could give up, stop fighting. She could stop trying so hard and just leave the chips to fall as they may.

She hurried across the lobby making a beeline for the front desk, eager to get Parker’s room number and get out of the open. It would be just her luck that he would find her now, that she would fall at this final hurdle, with her most important task still left to be completed.

Someone touched her shoulder.

The hairs on her forearms stood up, fear racing through her blood because how the hell had he found her? She turned with her head held high, because she had to fight him, she had to talk to Parker. He could fucking have her but she needed five minutes first, and she _would_ get them now, and pay for them later.

“Kristina.”

Parker’s dark eyes were sad, careful as they looked down at her. The fear morphed, changing into something else, something worse.

“Parker? What are you doing? We were supposed to meet upstairs… You weren’t supposed to be down here.”

She looked around the lobby, no longer trusting the quick check she had done when she arrived.

Parker tugged her by the elbow away from the desk, ignoring the clerk’s eyes on them. Kristina went, striding towards the elevator before she realized the woman wasn’t following.

“Kristina, are you okay?”

_God, she hated the pity in her voice, she didn’t deserve it._

“I’m fine. I’m fine. You wanted to talk in private, so let’s go.”

She snapped the words out, and it was better than the alternative, better than crying.

“You’re shaking…”

 _She didn’t have time for this_.

“Parker, get in the elevator.”

She reached for the woman and her head spun. There wasn’t enough oxygen out here, not where he could be waiting, _not where he could get Parker._

“Kristina.”

_She couldn’t breathe._

“Parker, please… please…”

She hadn’t meant to beg, but it worked, and looking confused, broken, Parker followed her into the metal box, punching in the number for her floor. When the doors slid closed, Kristina could breathe a little easier.

They ascended in silence. She hurried down the hall, willing Parker to walk faster beside her. Relief flooded through her when finally, she stopped at a door, sliding in her key card, and then they were inside, safe.

She slumped down on the edge of the bed, not thinking about what she was doing until it was too late.

The sheets were still mussed, familiar pajamas on the pillow, the smell of Parker’s shampoo still clinging to the fabric, and she was so impossibly homesick for the woman who was standing in front of her, close enough to touch.

“Kristina…”

Her voice was too soft, so soft, and careful, and loving, and Kristina couldn’t take it, she couldn’t let it get inside her because it would break her open.

It was too late for her. _She had to save Parker, that was all she had left to do._

“Don’t Parker, just don’t.”

She pushed herself to her feet taking a deep breath and digging, burrowing hard beneath the weeks of sleepless nights, the nightmares and the panic attacks, past all the eyes that had followed her since she came back here, _poor little broken Kristina, who screwed it all up again_. She pushed past it all and found the last of her strength, for Parker. _She could do this for Parker._

When she turned back to the woman, she knew her eyes were blazing.

“You wanted this, so what? What do you want to say? How many more ways can I tell you it’s over?”

Parker looked like she had slapped her. The backlash of her words washed over her and Kristina squeezed herself around the middle, pinching her own hip hard through her sweater. Somehow it cleared her head, kept her breathing.

“What did I do?”

The question was so broken.

She swallowed, forcing herself to imagine what he was going to do to her when he found her, to remember. She was going to pay for everything she had done, soon. For now, she just had to save Parker.

“We’re just too different.”

She couldn’t bring herself to hurt her anymore, to actually say it was her fault.

“Bullshit.”

The curse surprised her, and then Parker was across the room, her hands on her arms, in her space. Kristina could feel herself healing and breaking, all in the same dizzying breath.

“Bullshit, Kristina. We were happy, so what the hell happened?”

She took a step back, but Parker followed, strong hands holding her tight.

“Don’t.”

She was shaking in her grip because she hadn’t been prepared for this. She was supposed to rage and yell and then walk away. Parker wasn’t supposed to be so close, she wasn’t supposed to be touching her face, searching her eyes, leaning down to kiss her… _Oh God._

They were a hairsbreadth apart, and Parker, _wonderful, loving, safe Parker,_ was waiting, letting her be the one to decide.

She gave in.

Their lips pressed together, tentative at first. She felt the catch of Parker’s breath, the tremble of her fingers, soft on her cheek, and then the match struck the gasoline and they exploded.

Kristina lost herself in that kiss. She gave in completely, drowning in bittersweet surrender. The hole burned and then it was closing. She was living, breathing, awake for the first time in days, weeks.

Parker’s tongue pushed into her mouth and her coat was being pulled off her shoulders. Their kisses were salty from their tears.

She clung to her, her fingers soft on her cheeks, her neck, over her shoulders, remembering this, saving every piece of it for all the days and nights she was going to miss this, to wish for it, to beg and break and bleed for it, once he found her.

“Honey…”

She pulled back like she’d been burned.

Her coat was already on the floor and she felt too exposed in just her sweater, like somehow the mask might fall away and Parker would draw the truth from the hard lines of her body.

“You’re so thin, Kristina.”

 _God, she was fucking this up too_.

“I have to go, Parker. Please. Just don’t call. Go back to Oregon, okay?”

She moved to pick up her coat, but Parker stepped forward. She flinched before she had time to catch herself. Looking up, she knew dark eyes had caught it.

“Kristina… What the hell is going on?”

She was shaking, unraveling, and she was running out of ways to lie.

“It’s over. Goodbye Parker.”

She grabbed her coat and rushed for the door. It was pressed closed by a hand over her head, and a dry sob escaped her.

“Kristina… Just. Give me a minute, please? After everything, just one minute and then if you want to leave I’ll call you a cab?”

_What choice did she have?_

She turned, nodding, not trusting herself to speak.

Parker watched her, studying her like she was a caged animal, ready to bolt. Finally, she seemed to decide.

She stepped back, walking over to the nightstand and taking something from the drawer. Coming back, she stopped in front of her, and Kristina couldn’t breathe.

She watched the woman open the small box in her palm and felt the world crash around her as she studied what lay inside.

“We were _right there_ Kristina.” Parker was crying now, her voice thick with tears, her breaths unsteady.

“We were right there. So I went out and bought a ring and for the first time in my life, I was so god damned sure. We were right there, honey.”

Dark eyes were on her own now and Kristina felt her heart breaking.

“I know you were there too, so please… just, please… Tell me what happened. Tell me how I lost you, Krissie, please, because I can’t…”

She bent forward to sob, and Kristina caught her without thinking. They were hugging, crying, sinking down to the floor behind the door. Parker’s tears were soaking the side of her neck, and she was just shaking and shaking and trying to wrap her mind around that ring, around what it meant.

“I deserve the truth Kristina.”

Parker pulled back, wiping at her eyes.

“Tell me. At least give me that.”

She opened her mouth but no words came out.

“What, was it the kink, is it my age, your family, my family, Amanda, what?”

Dark eyes cleared and she watched it crash over Parker’s face. She knew her reaction had given her away.

“Kristina, what the hell did she do? What did Amanda say to you?”

She couldn’t even get this right. She was so selfish. She couldn’t even send Parker away to keep her safe.

“It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I can’t, Parker. We can’t okay?”

“No.” The word was like a gunshot in the silence, though it was barely a whisper.

“I am not giving up on you, so no. It’s not okay, I’m not going anywhere Kristina because _fuck it_. I’ve wrecked my life for you over and over, I just took two weeks unplanned personal time right before the board decides if I’m going to be offered ten-year, again. So no, it’s not okay. I’ve come this far so I’m not leaving, not until I know the whole story. You are it for me, and I’m not walking away from that, not until I know why.”

Kristina already knew she was committed to this, she could see it in her eyes. Parker wasn’t going to let this go.

“I lied to you.” It was bubbling in her stomach, finally crawling up her throat and spilling from her lips. _The truth_.

It washed over her like rain, and left her empty because it had come far too late.

“I wasn’t honest. I’ve been married before. It was sort of a joke and we had it undone, but that’s not really it.”

She took a deep breath, and finally, she let it pour out.

“When I was younger I had this boyfriend and he… He’s the reason striking is a hard limit for me.”

Parker took her hands and she let them be held, despite how little she deserved the comfort.

“I ended up in the hospital a few times, one time it was really bad. I thought he was dead, my Mom ran him over and told me he died, but it wasn’t true.”

A sob hacked its way out of her chest and she held her breath until she was sure it would be the last.

“My dad probably disappeared him, but he’s back now, and he’s not going to be pleased.” She swallowed hard. “You need to leave Port Charles and never come back, it’s not safe for you here. Please.”

She didn’t know if really she was begging her to stay or go. Now she had started talking, now the truth had started pouring out, it was like she couldn’t stop.

“He’s a bad person, Parker. And he knows, everything, he always knows about me. Amanda said he would be interested to hear about you, and she’s right…”

“Kristina…” Parker cut her off. “How could Amanda know about him?”

“She saw my medical records. At first she just wanted me to tell you that I’d been married before, and about the… _him_. But then she must have looked into it more and she told me about the cover up, how everyone had lied so I could get on with my life thinking he was dead.”

Parker just looked horrified.

“Honey, Amanda has no right to look at your medical records.” Her voice turned dark, protective. “She’s going to lose her career over this.”

Kristina shrugged because it was just too late.

“It doesn’t matter. She wasn’t wrong. At least she warned me.”

Parker swallowed hard.

“So you left because you were scared? Because you thought he was going to hurt me because of our relationship?”

Kristina’s stomach rolled.

“Don’t.” The word was a whisper, but in her head it was loud. It was selfless.

Parker’s questions were the out she knew she would have clung to just a year ago, a way to absolve herself of all the mistakes she had made, but she knew now, she didn’t deserve to take it.

“Don’t try to make me innocent. This happened because I lied. Because I couldn’t be honest.”

Parker studied her for a few long moments and Kristina could see the world spinning around, crashing and colliding in her dark eyes, as she tried to make it all make sense.

“Has he contacted you since you got back here?”

She shook her head.

“Have you told anyone else about this?”

She shook her head again.

“Okay.”

They sat there in silence. Her eyes fell back to the ring, the box tipped on its side on the floor. Without thinking, she reached out to set it right.

It was beautiful. A large clear diamond, intricately set in a thin platinum band, like something from a movie.

“Do you like it?”

Parker’s voice was rough, closer to her ear than it had been a minute before. When strong arms wrapped around her, pulling her back and holding her tight, she couldn’t bring herself to fight their hold.

“Yes.”

It was perfect. _It could have been perfect._

“We’re going to figure this out, okay?”

Parker was holding her tight, rocking her, fingers combing through her hair and Kristina clung to her.

There was so much determination in her voice, that a tiny part of her dared to hope.

***

The ride to Sam’s was silent. She could feel Parker struggling as she drove, turning it all over and over in her mind, trying to make it all make sense.

Kristina had stared out the window of the unfamiliar rental car, trying not to think about the beautiful ring that was almost hers, the beautiful life that could have gone along with it.

They walked wordlessly to Sam’s door and she turned her key in the lock. Pushing it open, she stopped in the doorway with Parker at her back, when the sound of furious voices greeted her.

Her mom looked up from where she had been arguing with Sam, glancing between what she knew would be her tear stained face, and Parker’s.

“What the hell have you done to her?”

She rushed forward, and Kristina stepped between her and the woman.

“It was me, Mom! I was the one who messed it all up, so you need to back off okay?”

Her mom looked ready to kill Parker, venom thick in her voice when she spoke.

“What is she doing here Kristina?”

Before she could answer, Parker stepped forward, a hand on the small of her back, and it felt so good there, so right, that Kristina forgot to reply.

“We need to talk about your daughter, Alexis. Kristina needs to talk to you, and she needs you to listen.”

The silence was terse, but something in Parker’s voice must have gotten through to her mom. She stepped aside and then Parker was pushing Kristina forward, moving her to follow them into the living room, tugging her down beside her on the sofa.

Scout was bumbling around her playpen, oblivious. Sam sat beside her mother on the sofa across from them, wringing her hands.

“Kris, what is it?”

She looked at her sister, the worry etched deep on her face.

“Tell them what you told me, honey.”

Parker had one arm around her, holding her together, the other clutching both of her own in her lap.

Kristina took a deep breath.

“He’s back. Kiefer’s back, Mom and he’s looking for me. He’s going to hurt Parker, that’s why I had to leave Oregon. I couldn’t let him hurt her.”

She choked down her tears aware that she was shaking, _god she was so sick of shaking._

“Kristina…” Her mom was holding her eyes, the worry in her own was clear. “Kiefer is dead, he’s been dead… I should know.”

“No Mom, don’t lie to me. I know it was a cover up, I know Dad disappeared him. I know so just, don’t lie…”

Her breath caught in her throat. Parker squeezed her tight.

“Just breathe, Kristina.”

Her voice was soft, and she listened.

Her mom stood, slowly, carefully, and Kristina watched her cross the room, stopping to crouch in front of them, moving to take her hands from where they clung to Parker’s. She let her.

“Kristina… Kiefer is dead. He’s not coming back. I hit him with that car and killed him. I saw the body.”

That couldn’t be true.

_Everyone was lying to her… They just wanted him to get Parker._

“No.”

She shot to her feet. She couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, and the walls were starting to spin.

_He was going to get Parker._

She was crying. She could hear herself sobbing, hear the sound of her own frantic, uneven breaths.

“Look at me, Kristina.”

Parker was there, holding her steady, pushing her hair back from her face, her fingers a cool balm over the white-hot panic that was suffocating her.

“Just breathe, just breathe for me sweetheart. That’s all you have to do.”

She forced herself to listen, to believe her.

“I’ve got everything else now, honey. You just need to breathe and get better for me, okay?”

_Get better?_

She didn’t understand, but Parker’s sounded so certain, even though her eyes were wet with tears too.

She could hear Sam telling her mom that she was having a panic attack, that she needed to give her some space. She tuned them out, only listening to Parker, just letting herself finally acknowledge that she was back, letting herself breathe.

When her vision started to clear and the room stopped spinning, she was leaning back against Parker’s chest, strong arms holding her tight, while Sam hovered in front of her, a mug in her hands.

“I’m so sorry…”

Tears pricked the back of her eyes again as she choked out the apology. She wasn’t sure who she was apologizing to anymore, she just knew she had fucked up, _badly_.

“Don’t even worry about it, okay?”

Sam pressed the warm mug into her hands, one of Parker’s settled over her fingers, holding it steady.

She took a sip of warm, sweet, tea and for the first time in days, she felt something other than ice inside her.

“Me and Mom have to go out. I’m taking Scout, can you stay here with Parker? Maybe take a nap?”

She nodded. She could do that.

She finished her tea, listening to Parker’s breathing beside her, quiet in the still of the empty house. Familiar hands took the mug from her, tugging the coat off her shoulders. She kicked off her shoes when she was told to and settled back against the woman when she was moved.

“I’m going to take care of you, Krissie.”

She was too tired to tell her she didn’t deserve it.

She had no idea where they would go from here, but with the truth finally out, and Parker right here, holding her, pressing soft kisses to her hair, wrapping the throw from Sam's sofa tight around them, she couldn’t help but feel better than she had in days.

“Go to sleep, honey. I’ve got you now, always.”


	18. Chapter 18

It felt like she had been asleep for days. It was good sleep, the dreamless kind, and when she woke she finally felt like for the first time in so long, she’d gotten some rest. She was warm, safe, and the soft fabric against her cheek smelled like Parker, like their familiar laundry detergent and her favorite shampoo.

“So, he abused her for months before anyone found out?”

Her heart soared and fell. She lay still, her eyes closed, as she listened to Parker’s voice, hushed, no doubt to keep from waking her.

“Don’t you dare blame this on us.”

_Of course her Mom was angry._

“Alexis, I’m not blaming anybody, I’m just trying to understand.”

“ _You_ took her away from home, from her family, and it was _your_ ex who caused all this. _You_ were supposed to take care of her!”

She felt Parker take a deep breath.

“Mom, stop, just stop it. Kristina didn’t tell her, how was she supposed to know? None of this is Parker’s fault, and honestly if she hadn’t come back we would never have known what was happening.” Sam took a deep breath and Kristina could hear the strain in the sound.

“We might have found out when she’d already swallowed a bottle of pills and we were burying her too, so can we just… stop, please.”

_The words hurt. All of it hurt._

“Alexis, I understand that you’re hurting, but if you think that I’m not horrifically sorry, and sad, and guilty for my part in all this, then you’re mistaken. But really, right now, none of it matters.”

Parker’s arms tightened around her.

“This is about Kristina now, it can _only_ be about Kristina and her getting well and getting over this, which is why I’m trying to understand exactly what I’m up against.”

Fabric rustled across the room.

“ _You_ are not up against anything. This is a family matter, she’s vulnerable, if you care about her at all then you’ll step back and let us take care of this.”

She heard Sam cut in, but Parker was faster, her voice a little louder and Kristina could hear the strain it was taking for her to try to keep the volume down.

“Like you took care of it the first time?” She whisper-hissed.

“Where was the counseling, the therapy, the support? He broke her bones, put her in the hospital, he was physically, mentally and verbally abusive. He controlled her life and when you found out what, you just swept it under the rug and expected she would be okay? If she’s vulnerable Alexis, you’ve done nothing, _absolutely nothing,_ to help that. Kristina is my partner, I am not going anywhere, not unless she in her right mind asks me to leave, or unless she’s going with me.”

“Okay, just stop, both of you.”

She felt Parker lean down to kiss her hair and she knew her Mother would be seething across the room. Sam was probably wringing her hands.

“I’m sorry, Sam. You’re right.”

Parker was trying. _She was trying so freaking hard,_ and it broke Kristina’s heart because she didn’t deserve any of it.

“So he’s dead?”

She heard her mom’s sharp intake of breath.

“For the love of god, he is absolutely, completely dead. He’s been dead for years! If I had my way I’d bring him back and kill him again! He’s dead!”

Parker shifted and Kristina fought not to cling to her and let them know she was awake. She tried desperately to let this information sink into her brain, into her consciousness, tried to let herself believe it.

Sam cleared her throat.

“So basically, Parker’s crazy ex pried in Kristina’s medical records and figured out she was abused, probably talked to some of the people at General Hospital to dig up dirt, and then convinced her Kiefer was alive and wanted her back and to hurt Parker?”

She heard Parker’s breath catch, her ear pressed against her chest.

“So Kristina freaks out, leaves Oregon thinking Kiefer is looking for her and not wanting him to find Parker too. She comes home, and when Parker shows up here she tries to get rid of her before he can find her, then just about has a nervous break down over it all because she one hundred percent thinks Kiefer is still alive and out to get you both?”

“From what I understand, yes.”

Parker sounded so sad, so broken, and she hated herself for doing that, for making her the last to know. She’d been trying to protect her.

“So what do we do from here?”

She was surprised that it was her mom that asked the question.

“We help her through this, get her back on her feet and then she’s going to have to face her demons.” Parker was talking with her hands, well hand, the one that wasn’t still wrapped tight around her. Kristina had always loved when she did that.

“I think the logical first step is that we have to prove to her beyond doubt that he’s dead and then see where she’s at.”

She held her breath.

_Kiefer was dead. None of it was real._

“And you’re staying, for all this?”

“Yes, Alexis, I’m staying. I love your daughter and I want her well again, I want her happy.”

Sam cut in.

“What about your job?”

She heard Parker scoff, soft and sad.

“I’ve thrown away my career for her so many times now, what’s once more?” She paused and Kristina felt her heart plummet. “Besides, she’s been worth it every single time, and even if when she’s better she decides she really doesn’t want to continue our relationship, I’ll respect that. But I’m not leaving Port Charles unless she’s either coming home with me, or she’s healthy and happy and asking me to go.”

There was a pregnant pause.

“And where are you planning on conducting your heroics from, the hotel?”

“Jesus, mom, she can stay here with Kristina. Parker is trying to help us, can you just. stop, for once? If she didn’t love her why the hell would she still be here after all this?”

Silence hung around them and Parker’s fingers threaded gently through her hair.

“Danny gets off school in fifteen minutes. Scout is down for a nap, would you mind keeping an ear out for her?”

Parker’s voice hummed where her chest was pressed against Kristina’s ear when she replied.

“Not at all.”

She heard the rustle of movement across the room.

“Come on, mom, you’re coming with me to pick up Danny, then we’ll stop by and get the paperwork so we can talk to her tonight.”

Her mother tried to protest, but Sam protested right back, and eventually the door clicked closed and the room was quiet. She breathed a sigh of relief.

“Go back to sleep now, honey.”

Parker adjusted the blanket around her, and she opened her eyes, guilty.

Dark ones were looking down at her, full of love and warmth and everything she remembered so well, and had missed so much.

“None of it was real?”

Parker shook her head, and she felt tears well in her eyes.

“Hey… Stop, no crying now. You were played honey, horribly. We have so much to talk about, but right now, you just need to rest.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Close your eyes and go to sleep a while longer, I’ll be here when you wake up, okay?”

She shuffled a little, getting comfortable in Parker’s lap, ignoring the crick in her neck from the position she had slept in earlier. None of it mattered as long as Parker was close to her.

“Promise you’ll stay?”

She hated her weakness, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to relax unless she asked.

“As long as you want me, sweetheart. I promise.”

***

When she woke again the sky was dark outside the window and her head was resting on one of Sam’s comfortable sofa cushions.

She sat up quickly, panic prickling her skin as she realized she was alone.

“I’m here, Krissie.”

Her eyes fell to Parker on the floor. Scout was standing in front of her crossed legs, bouncing up and down while the woman held her hands.

It was jarring, seeing her here in Sam’s living room, in the middle of her family, her life, especially after she had been so convinced that everything between them was over.

“You didn’t look very comfy so I set you up a little better, and Scout here has been driving her Mommy crazy while she was trying to make dinner, so I’m just doing my part.”

She smiled the kind of smile that Kristina loved, soft and shy that reached right up to her eyes.

She cleared her throat.

“Where’s my mom?”

“She and Sam picked Danny up and went by the hotel to check me out and get my things. She had a meeting but she’ll be back after dinner so we can talk.”

She nodded, suddenly feeling unsure, embarrassed.

“Look Parker, I um… I’m sorry. I know that it’s nowhere near enough but I’m so sorry for everything, for believing her and leaving a note, and for everything I said.”

Parker rose to her feet, picking up Scout, making a silly face for her and bouncing her lightly when she fussed, before she crossed the room.

“Honey, you were scared out of your mind and dealing with a lot.”

Kristina swallowed as the pair sat down beside her and Scout reached for her hair.

“But I should have told you, months ago. About my life before and about… him.”

She still couldn’t say his name.

“Yes, you should.”

Silence hung heavy between them and she tried not to watch Parker and Scout, scared to remember how she’d felt watching Parker and Katie, to remember how much she’d lost.

“So he’s really dead?”

Parker nodded. She took a breath.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay. If you want to go home, I would understand. I know you have work, and I know I screwed everything up.”

“Kristina…”

Parker’s hand closed around her own.

“You’ve made mistakes, and of course I’m unhappy about the way all of this happened, but you didn’t do it all by yourself. Amanda had a huge hand in this, and now that I know, I can see her fingerprints all over it.” She swallowed hard.

“I should have noticed, I should have pressed more. And the night you asked me to…” She trailed off, looking pointedly at Scout, “I knew something was wrong, but against my better judgment I let myself be swayed, and I can’t tell you how much I’ve regretted that, sweetheart. I never, ever want to hurt you.”

She sucked in a deep breath.

“You’re not the only one at fault here, and I’m staying because I love you, and I want to get past all this. We were happy, right?”

Kristina hated that she questioned that.

“Yes… Parker.” She squeezed the hand in her own, “Everything was amazing we were…”

“Right there?”

She felt a lump in her throat as the woman echoed her earlier words from the hotel and she remembered again that little black box, the ring.

“Yes, we were right there, and then I screwed it all up.”

She had to blink away her tears.

“We can get back there.”

She looked up to hold dark eyes, smiling when with a grimace Parker had to pull her hand away and untangle Scout’s curious little fingers from tugging on her hair.

They laughed, and when the sound died, Kristina felt whole again for the first time in days.

“Can we?”

Parker smiled at her, holding Scout up, helping her dance a cute little jig on her lap.

“Yes.”

***

The rest of the evening had been exhausting. Her mother had returned with a thick manila folder. She’d been sat down at the kitchen table and then the autopsy report was pressed into her hands.

Parker had never left her side. Not when she started to cry, and not when she couldn’t stop. They had showed her the pictures of the body and she knew without a doubt now. Kiefer was dead, he had been dead all along, and she had been so stupid. She had ruined everything with Parker, with her life, for nothing.

Amanda had played her and she had fallen for it, spectacularly.

The pictures weren’t even the worst, what happened next was the closest thing to an intervention she had ever experienced.

She knew even her mom had been impressed by Parker, and the way she had been so sweet, so loving as they talked about therapy. They agreed that she could chose her own doctor and where she wanted to start working on herself, but someone would be driving her to her appointments for the considerable future, and that they were all expecting her to go.

She had never felt so loved, so supported, or so much like a crazy person.

She had protested just once, before she quickly realized she needed this. _She had to get better_. Amanda had gotten inside of her because she was vulnerable, and she could never let this happen again. A part of her also felt she owed it to Parker as much as she did herself.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take the sofa?”

Parker appeared in the doorway of the guest bedroom, looking strange in a full set of pajamas when Kristina was so used to seeing her in the pants and a bra, or the shirt and nothing else.

“I want you to stay here. If you want to…”

She wrung her hands, suddenly self-conscious in her tiny sleep shorts and tank top. She could feel Parker’s eyes on her body, and she wondered if she was still attractive to her like this, skinny and gaunt as she’d become.

“Okay.”

The woman offered her a smile and slipped into the bed, taking the spot against the wall and leaving the covers turned down for Kristina to join her. She hated how awkward she suddenly felt, like there was nothing left between them to say, other than sorry.

She perched on the edge of the bed, tucking her knees up under her chin and drowning in the silence.

“Did you write the note just to hurt me?”

She hadn’t expected the question. She turned to face Parker whose book was in her lap, but still unopened.

“No, not at all.” _She hadn’t._

“I just… I was so scared and I had to leave so fast. There were a million things I wanted to say, and none of them fit… I just, couldn’t… say goodbye to you.” She swallowed, feeling tears in her eyes at the memory. “That popped into my head and the cab was already waiting…”

Parker nodded.

“I guess I deserved it, it was my line after all.”

_She regretted it, all of it._

“Please don’t think I ever intentionally wanted to hurt you. This whole time all I’ve wanted is you. I was so convinced I had to get you out of Port Charles so you’d be safe. Every time I asked you to leave everything inside me was begging for you to stay, and it was just… suffocating.”

She swallowed hard.

“I was so scared Kristina.”

She looked up, surprised that Parker was crying, silent tears of what she could only describe as anguish, pouring down her face.

“I came home and the house was empty, there was glass all over the floor and the note, and some of your things were gone.”

She sobbed and lifted her hands to hide her face.

“I tried to call your phone, I went looking for you at school, I didn’t know what else to do. That first week I just… I’ve never been as broken as I was when I realized that I’d lost you.”

Kristina moved across the mattress, wrapping her arms around her and holding her tight.

“I tried to call your mom but she didn’t answer and I didn’t have a way to reach anyone else. I was so scared for you, and then I convinced myself that I’d chased you away because you asked me to spank you and I said yes, when I absolutely should have said no.”

She sobbed.

Kristina wondered if she would ever feel anything again beyond the self-loathing that had lived in her chest from the minute she had stood in the hall and written that note. Hurting Parker was the last thing she had ever meant to do, yet she had succeeded at it so brilliantly.

She heard the woman sniffle, wiping her eyes and gathering herself.

“I do not ever want to feel like that again. I don’t ever want to lose you again.”

The feeling was definitely mutual.

“I need you to promise me that you’ll talk to me, that you’ll let me in, even if you think it makes you weak, or boring, or a burden.”

Kristina swallowed the lump in her throat.

“I promise… Parker, I promise. I’m done keeping secrets. I don’t ever want anything to come between us.”

Her chin was shaking and she was fighting back tears of her own.

“I mean it Kristina. You have to trust me.”

She nodded, pulling back to run her thumbs over Parker’s cheeks collecting the tears there.

“I do trust you, I promise. You’re the person I trust the most, the only thing I want Parker, please. I know I messed up, but…” She had to stop to swallow her tears, “I need you to know that I love you. I don’t ever want to lose you either.”

Parker tugged her close and she went easily, laying on the mattress curled into her side.

They were quiet for a long time, their breathing evening out in the stillness of the room. Her heart felt like it was breaking under the weight of what she’d done. Parker was right here beside her yet there was still something between them, and Kristina ached for it to be gone.

Pushing up onto an elbow she looked down at the woman, the dark circles under her eyes and the red that ringed them. She was still the most beautiful thing in the world to her.

“Can I kiss you?”

She hadn’t planned to ask, but Parker nodded and hope flickered in her chest. Leaning down slowly, she covered soft lips with her own, kissing her sweetly, before she pulled away ever so slightly.

“I’m sorry.”

Tears dripped from her eyes and landed on Parker’s cheeks as she kissed her again, letting herself go, letting herself finally feel this, finally believe that Parker was here and that she had found her, and that somehow all of this was going to be okay.

“I love you so much…”

Familiar arms were around her, tugging their bodies close, flush together, and when she let her tongue graze Parker’s lips, they opened for her as they always had.

Gentle fingers slid up her shirt, over her sides and her body came back to life under her hands. They kissed long and hard, then sweet and slow, then her heartbeat picked up and kissing her just became consuming.

“We should stop.” Even after she said the words Parker connected their mouths again. Selfishly, Kristina burned for her, to be touched by her, loved by her, reclaimed.

Parker pushed her down onto the pillows, leaning up to hover over her, and she had never felt as safe as she did looking up at her.

“You’ve been through so much, Kristina, we both have. Plus, we’re in your sister’s guest room.”

They both laughed a little at that.

“I want you.” She blushed at her honesty, but she was proud of herself for it.

“I want you too, honey. I want to take off these clothes and kiss you all over so I can finally convince myself that you’re really here, and you’re safe.”

Something in her stomach tightened at the words, and it was strange to feel so many things, sad and guilty, happy and hopeful, and uncomfortably turned on, all at once.

“Will we go back to Oregon?”

She hadn’t meant to ask the question, but it had just tumbled out. The thought of being at home, in their bed, able to make love and reconnect without her sister two doors down the hall, sounded like the best thing in the word at that moment.

“If you want to, yes. But everything we discussed earlier about therapy still stands.”

She nodded her agreement.

Parker took a deep breath, leaning down to give her one last long kiss that made Kristina’s head spin.

“To be continued then?”

Kristina breathed a long sigh as she looked up at the woman she loved.

“To be continued.”


	19. Chapter 19

“My dad likes you.”

She squeezed Parker’s hand in hers, enjoying being outside.

“He clapped me on the arm and told me to take care of you in a semi-threatening tone, and that means he likes me?”

Parker was laughing, it was the most beautiful thing she’d heard in a while.

“Remind me one day to tell you what he does to people who date his kids that he doesn’t like…”

“I don’t even want to know.”

Kristina felt like she was light, floating, weightless after weeks of being so burdened. The meeting with her father had gone well, he’d reassured her again that Kiefer was dead, and had actually seemed to approve of their plans to go back to Oregon. He even seemed to approve of Parker now.

“What are you thinking about?”

Parker’s cheeks were slightly flushed from the cold as she asked, a thick scarf around her neck peeking out from under her coat. Kristina had to force herself to look away or she would stare too long. _Parker was here, everything was going to be okay._

“I’m thinking about how amazing it is that I’m walking through the park where I used to play as a kid with the love of my life.”

She paused, swinging their joined hands. “I’m thinking that I can’t believe that everything is going to be okay.”

She heard Parker take a breath and rushed to correct herself.

“I mean, I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, but what I mean is, I’m so happy that I get to go home, and do that with you.”

Parker smiled at her, soft and encouraging.

“And honestly, I’m thinking how nice it is to be outside for the first time in weeks and not be looking over my shoulder or waiting to get grabbed by a ghost.”

The admission was hard, and it hurt. She laughed at herself, eyes on the path.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, honey.”

She nodded, but she didn’t really let the sentiment sink in.

“I mean it, Krissie. You were a victim of some pretty serious head games, you handled it better than many people would have.”

She couldn’t help but be angry at the statement. Rather than snapping, she waited, thinking about it until she realized she was angry at herself.

“I mean, I ran out on my… girlfriend.” The word didn’t seem like enough to describe what they were anymore. How could Parker Forsyth just be anyone’s girlfriend? _Their entire universe, maybe._

“I disappeared out of school, so that’s messed up. I made you take a ton more time off your job, so there’s that too. I worried my family and I left that note, and I hurt you again and again when you came to get me back I just…”

She had to stop to take a breath.

“I kind of think I handled it about as badly as anyone could, and I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to make up for any of it.”

Parker tugged them to a stop by their joined hands, pulling Kristina sideways until they were facing each other, then she was kissing her.

It took her a second to get past the surprise, past the guilt that was so thick around her, and kiss her back. When Parker pulled away, her dark eyes were wet.

“You could not be here, Kristina. That’s how bad it could have been. That’s what will keep me up at night. I am devastated about all of this, but more than anything, I’m just so thankful…”

She was holding her face between her hands, and Kristina looked up at her.

“You went through hell, and you were strong enough to stick it out. I don’t care about work, or anything else because you’re still here, and we still have a chance to fix this, okay?”

Sam’s words echoed in her head.

_We could have been burying her too._

“Okay.” She squeezed out a smile, happy when Parker returned it and kissed her softly once more.

They carried on walking, the older woman blotting at her eyes.

“So to Sam’s and then back to Oregon?”

She could still hear the tears in her voice, but knew she was trying to make light of all this, to be positive going forward.

Watching Parker walk, feeling the hand wrapped soft around her own, Kristina swore she was going to spend forever making this up to her.

She bumped her hip, smiling at her when she looked up.

“Back to Oregon.”

***

“Promise you’ll call when you get there?”

Her mom hugged her tight, and she couldn’t help but think of how different this was than last time she had left town. It was hard to imagine any good coming from what had happened, but she had gotten a chance to reconnect with her family and she was thankful.

“I promise.”

“And you’ll stick to the therapy, and let someone know if you’re struggling?”

She could hear the worry in her voice, feel it in the way the woman clutched her tight. As much as she was hotheaded and had made things difficult for her and Parker, she was still her mom, and Kristina was relieved to feel like the rift between them was finally being repaired.

“Yes. I know this is important.”

She stepped back, offering what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

“I just want you to know…” Her mom’s voice dropped low, and she watched Parker over her shoulder, politely averting her eyes as she bounced Scout, telling her goodbye.

“I’m sorry if we weren’t there for you like we should have been after everything that happened with Kiefer. You’re so strong Kristina, and so like me in so many ways that sometimes I forget that maybe you’re not as okay as you seem.” She took a deep breath. “In hindsight, and after talking with Parker, I see now that I failed you. I should have gotten you help back then, and I just want you to know. I’m sorry.”

“Mom…”

She pulled her in for another hug, tears springing into her eyes.

It was hard, hard to feel like she was broken. Everyone had been so loving, so supportive, but they were handling her, being careful with her, and she hated it as much as she understood.

“I thought I was okay too… It’s nobody’s fault.”

Her mom just shook her head and hugged her tighter.

“I only ever wanted what’s best for you, you know that right? I know you think I do things to be mean, but I’m just so scared for you sometimes, Kristina. You’re brave and impulsive and you know what you want and you just go for it, no holds barred. Sometimes it takes me a minute to catch up.”

She stepped back and wiped at her eyes.

“If you’re talking about Parker, then I know, Mom. We love each other and our future is together, it would mean a lot to me if you tried to accept that.”

Alexis nodded, swallowing hard.

“I see that, and I want to be a part of your future, whoever you decide that’s with, so I’m going to try.”

They shared a smile and the woman pressed a bag into her hands.

“I packed up the rest of your clothes, and there’s some photographs from when you were younger in there. I thought you might want them to share with… Parker.”

She was trying, and it made Kristina’s heart soar.

Her mom stepped away, hovering awkwardly next to Parker, who seemed lost in playing with Scout, and Sam appeared beside her.

“Ready to head back out?”

She nodded, her heart falling at the tears in her sister’s eyes.

“Sam… is everything okay? You’ve been kind of tense. If you need help I could always stay a little…”

“No… No.” Sam cut her off, smiling though her eyes were wet.

“You need to get out of here and get on with your life. Parker loves you Kris, the woman is relentless, and she’s crazy about you.” Kristina blushed.

“Work on yourself and don’t mess it up, okay?”

The advice was light hearted, but it was truthful.

“Okay.”

They hugged tight, and when she let go, Sam held on just a little bit longer. She put it down to all the recent drama with the men in her life.

They pulled apart and her eyes caught on Parker, Scout on her hip, chittering happily as the woman turned around, showing her different sights on the street.

The future was so close, so within her reach now, and she wanted it badly.

Parker must have felt her gaze, their eyes met across the space and the smile between them was electric. She thought of the ring, of Katie clinging to Parker’s shirt, of how beautiful she looked standing there holding Scout.

Suddenly she couldn’t wait to get back to Oregon, back to their life, to make a start on fixing everything she had broken.

“They say there’s something about men and babies… But I think that also applies to your professor there too.”

Sam’s voice was soft and teasing from behind her and she rolled her eyes.

“Get out of here, Kris. Enjoy your life, okay?”

She nodded, watching Parker stride towards her.

She was so ready for it to restart.

***

It was night by the time they stepped out of the cab. Kristina felt a shiver of anticipation run through her as she stopped on the wet sidewalk, looking up at the house, their home.

The last time she had been here she was so messed up, running scared, not just from Kiefer, but from her past, and herself.

The sound of a cab door closing behind her sounded, heels clicked and then Parker’s hand was on her hip, her lips soft against her ear.

“Welcome home, honey.”

They shuffled through the quiet house, turning on lights and dropping their bags. She tried to ignore all the signs of her absence, the dirty dishes in the sink, the rows of empty wine bottles on the counter. She was home now, for good.

They got ready for bed in silence, their rhythm was so comfortable, so familiar to her, and tonight she savored it.

Parker had told her on the plane that she’d called in a hiatus for her at school, so she could return to her classes next week. She’d also told her that she thought she could still make ten-year, given the circumstances, and that she’d filed _an honest to god_ missing person’s report for her, which the board would take into consideration when they reviewed her contract. Overall, life looked set to go on.

“You’ve lost so much weight, honey.”

Gentle hands slid around her hips, tracing the dip of her stomach.

Standing there in a sleep shirt and nothing else, she couldn’t hide the fact that it was true. She was ashamed of herself.

Parker’s lips tickled the soft skin where her neck met her shoulder, ghosting higher to press a kiss over her pulse point.

“Do you have any idea how much I love you?”

Kristina didn’t know how to answer the question, but she felt like she was starting to understand _._

 _This woman had chased her across the country, loved her relentlessly and absolutely refused to give up on her_. She knew if it came down to it, she would have done the same.

“Take me to bed?”

Parker took her hand and led her to the mattress, tugging her down and settling above her. Her dark eyes were soft, molten in the dim light of the lamp. She was warm, and familiar, and _home_.

“I’ve never felt anything close to what I feel for you.” The admission was shy, but she held the woman’s eyes, reaching up to push her golden hair back behind her ear.

Parker leaned down and kissed her, long and deep and slow. When they finally broke apart, Kristina pushed up underneath her, chasing her lips.

“Let me make love to you?”

She needed to feel her, to reconnect with her, to apologize to her without re-repeating the already tired words. Parker nodded, shedding her pajama shirt without hesitation. When pale fingers lingered at the hem of her own, Kristina tensed.

“You’re beautiful to me, Krissie, always. Let me see you, sweetheart.”

Sitting up, she let the shirt be tugged over her head, her worry falling away when Parker’s skin pressed warm against her.

“Remember what I told you I wanted to do to you when we were at Sam’s place?”

She nodded, heat already coiling in the pit of her stomach as Parker guided her back against the pillows.

Her heart felt full to bursting as the woman lowered her head, beginning the long process of making good on her desire to kiss her all over.


	20. Chapter 20

“What makes you say that you should have known? Logically, how could you know, when in your mind at the time, the facts all fit together and pointed to a single truth?”

She ran her hand through her hair, relieved again that Dr. Gault hadn’t made her lie down on the stupid couch.

“I just…” Therapy was surprisingly easy, until it wasn’t. It was like she struggled and stumbled around her own head, trying door after door and finding nothing behind them. Eventually, she’d open one and so much would pour out, and she’d talk and talk, and the woman would nod and listen, and somehow just the simple act of acknowledging everything she’d locked away, was cathartic.

“Kiefer was this… force in my life. It was only like, six months, but it changed me.” She took a deep breath. “I remember lying there in the hospital, and just finally admitting it, and having this revelation that he’d… abused me.”

She laughed, high and nervous, and the doctor was silent, waiting for her to go on.

“My point is. He was just, everywhere. It was a short period of time but it escalated so quickly. He knew everything about me because he wouldn’t accept anything less.”

She was rattling it all off like a passage from a book, like a grocery list, but something about saying the words was setting her free.

“He just… swallowed me.” Tears pricked her eyes and she blinked them away. “He controlled me and slipped into my life so easily until he was just… everywhere and I couldn’t pick him out. When I found out he was dead, it was so fast, like one minute he was everywhere and then he was gone.”

She had to stop to take a breath, playing with the box of Kleenex in her lap, pulling out a tissue and twisting it around and around her fingers.

“He was gone, and I was so relieved, but it was like, all the places he’d been, they were suddenly empty. There was nothing to take their place and I had no idea how to close all these little spaces back up. You know?”

She looked up, hating that somehow, in the last fifty minutes she had come to trust this woman, to like her a little, to want her to understand.

“I think I do, but can you try explaining it again in a different way?”

Kristina sighed, frustrated.

They had already touched on her _‘anger issues’_ , and of course that had gone down as well as a house fire. Her temper had flared and she’d raged and said all the wrong things. Eventually, remembering why she was here, she’d sat back down in her seat and apologized. Dr. Gault had just smiled kindly, told her to call her Pamela, and asked her to carry on from where they’d left off.

“Imagine you have this knitted blanket, and it’s blue?”

_God this was stupid._

Dr Gault, _Pamela_ , nodded.

“So one day someone comes along with a big thick needle, and stitches this red yarn through it, in and out and all over, just… everywhere, until there’s almost no blue left that you can see.” She licked her lips, uncomfortable.

“Maybe the red yarn was old, or bad, or something was wrong with it, but one day out of nowhere, all the red just disappears, in a split second.” She kept her eyes on her lap, tearing the Kleenex into tiny pieces that littered her jeans.

“Even though the red is gone, the blue blanket isn’t the same. There’s all these… holes where the needle went through, where the red used to be, and there’s nothing left to fill them. He made all these holes in me and they just… stayed.”

A tear finally spilled over, rolling down her cheek. She let it fall.

“Do you feel like you deserve to be forgiven for the pain your actions after you were misled caused other people? Your family, and Parker?”

It was the first real question the woman had asked, and somehow, Kristina was relieved.

The answer was easy.

“No.”

“I’d like you to spend some time before we meet again, thinking about why that is.”

Anger rose, hot in her chest, but she forced herself to think around it. She could tell the woman exactly why right now, because she had fucked everything up, hurt Parker, worried Sam, even her mom, and almost ruined her entire life.

“I’d also like you to work on a positive affirmation.”

Confused, Kristina’s eyes snapped up to meet kind blue ones.

“Something like a mantra if you will. I think part of what you’re dealing with here Kristina is damaged self-esteem. Being controlled and systematically abused took away some of your sense of self. Ignoring that for years afterwards only damaged it further.”

Pamela paused, no doubt to try to let the words sink in.

“Obviously Parker thinks you deserve forgiveness, and peace. Your family does too. I’d like for you to start working towards believing it for yourself as well.”

She scoffed.

“Of course I want peace, I just…”

“Wanting, and deserving, are not the same.”

She bit her lip as the reality of that statement settled with her.

“Maybe start in front of the mirror, and try to find a few positive statements to say to yourself a few times a day. Start to find a way to forgive yourself Kristina, and to realize that there are people in your life who clearly love you very much. If you’re going to love them well in return, you have to learn to care for yourself properly, too.”

Tears were choking her again and she nodded.

“Alright. That concludes our time together for today. You have my email and the office phone number if you feel you need to talk again earlier than Wednesday.”

Pamela gave her a kind smile as she held out the trashcan from under her desk. Kristina gathered the shredded Kleenex from her lap, letting them fall like snow into the little basket.

She did feel better, lighter.

“I um, thank you… Pamela.”

They shared a smile and she stood, taking a minute to make sure her eyes were dry and she had her purse.

Opening the office door, her heart fluttered at the sight that greeted her.

Parker was in the foyer, pacing, a hand in her hair.

She was gorgeous in grey slacks and the dark jacket that Kristina had always loved on her.

“Hey.”

She smiled as the woman looked up, watching surprise and concern flash across her face, before an anxious smile met her own.

“Ready to go?”

She nodded and followed her girlfriend out to the car.

“Are you ever going to get tired of opening the door for me?”

She sunk down into the passenger seat, not surprised when the woman leaned down after her, taking her purse from her lap.

“Only if you stop letting me do this afterwards.”

Parker kissed her softly, twisting a strand of hair back from her face, cupping her cheek.

“We don’t have to talk about it, but are you okay?”

This woman was so sweet, so supportive. Kristina was about to wonder what she did to deserve her, but she stopped herself, remembering Pamela’s words.

“I’m fine, and we can talk about it. It was sort of… good.”

She was embarrassed by the admission. The fact that she was benefitting from it, only confirmed that she had needed therapy, and part of her was still a little ashamed of that.

“Yeah?”

Parker was already pulling the seatbelt across her body, buckling her in.

“Yeah.”

Relief shone across her face, and this time, it was Kristina who reached up to kiss her.

“Thank you for being here, and helping me realize I needed this.”

She kissed her again.

“As much as I love this, and all the rewards I’m getting right now for being a supportive girlfriend, I’m going to stand up before I can’t.”

They laughed, Kristina still smiling to herself as she watched Parker walk around the front of the car, massaging her lower back. When she slipped into the driver’s seat, she reached across the console and took her hand.

***

Dark eyes looked back at her in the mirror, a face that she was starting to recognize again. She had gained back a little weight, a little color in her cheeks. More and more she looked like the person she had been before Amanda, before the scare over Kiefer, before she almost lost everything.

Kristina took a deep breath, studying herself, hair loose around her face, one of Parker's old band tshirts hanging off her shoulder.

"Still struggling?"

The woman appeared in the bathroom doorway, and frustrated she turned to her.

"I guess... She made it sound so simple.  _Look in the mirror and say a few positive things_ , but honestly, I just feel stupid. Not to mention I have no earthly idea what kind of mantra I need to be telling myself."

Parker smiled, she could see the glitter of amusement in her eyes and she was glad someone found all this funny.

"Well." She crossed the room, soft hands settling on Kristina's hips as she stepped up to her back. Her tone was suddenly serious, somber. "Mind if I make a few suggestions?"

"Please. At this point anything is better than standing here, staring.” Their eyes locked in the mirror. 

"Alright." Parker cleared her throat.

"How about, I'm flawed, but I'm enough."

Kristina felt like all the air left the room.

"I make mistakes, but I deserve to be loved."

Her voice was quiet, the hands on her hips were soft but strong, and there was something so profound in the moment that it made her want to cry.

"And I give myself permission to forgive myself."  
She heard Parker swallow in the silence, watched her dip her head. Kristina's eyes were already fluttering closed before the light pressure of a kiss landed on the side of her neck.

"Why don't you try that out?"

The words were a whisper against her skin, two more soft kisses trailed higher up her neck, the last one pressed just behind her ear, and then dark eyes were watching her in the mirror, waiting. 

Kristina felt the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

"I'm flawed, but I'm enough."

Her voice shook and the words sounded so loud in the silence of the bathroom.

Parker leaned down and kissed her bare shoulder, tugging the shirt back up to cover it.

"I make mistakes, but I deserved to be loved."

Tears spilled over onto her cheeks. Strong arms wrapped around her waist holding her tight.

"Keep going, sweetheart."

The whispered words scared her and they saved her.

"And I give myself permission..."

_Why was it so hard just to repeat the words back?_ They stuck in her throat because somehow, Parker had found the exact thing she was struggling with most.

Parker's voice was strong as she repeated the words, "And I give myself permission to forgive myself."

Kristina took a deep breath. Blinking, she let her tears fall. She had to forgive herself or they could never move forward.

"And I give myself permission..." Her breath caught in her throat as she whispered, half a sob rising before she swallowed it down. "To forgive myself."

She hid her face in her hands while she cried, feeling messy and ashamed and broken. Parker just stood behind her, holding her, keeping her from being alone. When she finally lowered her hands, she took a deep breath and steeled herself.

"Again."

She had already known what Parker would say. Somehow, the words came a little easier as she said them this time.

"I'm flawed, but I'm enough." Parker was here, holding her, loving her, still not giving up on her despite everything that had happened.

"I make mistakes but I deserve to be loved." She had made mistakes but she was starting to understand that nobody deserved the kind of abuse she had lived through with Kiefer. She understood that her thinking had been wrong, when all the times in the last few weeks she had thought it served her right that he had come back.

"And I give myself permission..." Her voice wavered but she met beautiful brown eyes in the mirror, and they gave her the strength to finish, "I give myself permission to forgive myself."

She turned around in the space between the sink and the woman and threw her arms around her neck.

_Where would she be without Parker?_

They just stood there for a few long breaths, holding each other.

"Thank you."

Parker squeezed her a little tighter, before reluctantly, Kristina let go.

"I'm going to go make coffee, want me to bring you a cup?"

If the older woman knew she was making an excuse, looking for a reason just to be alone for a second, to catch her breath in the wake of...  _that_ , she didn't let it show.

"Coffee sounds good. Thank you."

She nodded, standing on her tiptoes to press one last kiss to Parker's lips before she disappeared downstairs.

By the time she was back, two steaming mugs in her hands she felt better, lighter, and wondered if she would ever get used to this. _Was this what fixing yourself felt like?_

Setting the mugs on the nightstand she climbed onto the bed, swinging one leg over Parker’s hips until she was straddling her.

The book snapped closed.

Kristina waited for her to set it before she leaned down and kissed her. It felt so good to be home, good to be falling back into their familiar routine, good to have her life back.

Hands moved from her waist, sliding down lower. Her body roared to life, and she ached for them to squeeze.

She pressed Parker back into the pillows, her dark hair falling around them like a curtain as she hovered over her. They kissed, fingertips exploring, touching, teasing.

Finally, the woman pulled back, her eyes dark, bottom lip between her teeth, something on her face that Kristina knew well.

She wanted it, part of her ached for dominant Parker, for fingers to twist in her hair and wrap loose around her throat, and finally treat her like she was anything but broken.

The thought of being able to forget and just lose herself in pleasing the woman sounded like bliss. She watched that lip, caught between perfect white teeth and waited for it to be released, waited for that voice to spill over her, rich and dark and heady.

Parker’s expression flickered, then unexpectedly it changed. When she leaned forward to kiss Kristina again, it was tender, laced with a familiar softness that had colored all their lovemaking since they’d arrived home. In that moment she just ached for… more.

“Do you think we could…” Lips were kissing a trail along the line of her jaw, back past her ear and down the sensitive column of her throat, making it hard to form words.

“Could we um…” She swallowed as Parker’s fingertips dipped beneath the hem of her shirt. These last few weeks she had been so exposed that it honestly felt ridiculous for her to be shy at this point.

“Will you top me?”

Parker froze like she had been doused with ice. When she pulled back, her face was unreadable.

“Kristina…”

Her name was a nervous half-laugh on her lips.

“I… I’m sorry you just caught me off guard.” She licked her lips. “I’m not sure we’re ready for that, honey.”

“Oh for gods sake, Parker!”

She hadn’t meant to explode but she was so tired of being handled.

“I’m not going to shatter if you’re a little rough with me.”

“Krissie.”

Something in the woman’s voice made her pause.

“Let me rephrase. I’m not sure _I’m_ ready.”

_That was new._

“I just got you back. Last time we did something like this you had what I can recognize now as a huge panic attack and didn’t talk to me for days.”

She was frustrated because apparently even this was ruined for them too. She tried to be logical, rational, to remember what she had talked about in therapy and think through the anger.

“That was different, Parker. I was messed up over the emails, and that night was a mistake for me at the time, but it doesn’t make everything else we did wrong or mean I’m going to react like that again.”

She reached up to comb her fingers through her hair, studying the woman.

“I’m not going anywhere baby, ever. If you don’t want to right now that’s fine, but I just… I hope I didn’t wreck that too.” She trailed off, disappointed with herself.

“Krissie, you scare me.” Parker breathed the words, searching her eyes. She sounded so vulnerable.

“When it comes to you, I break all my own rules, and that is absolutely terrifying to me, especially about this. The first time we tried it I knew we had to talk first and discuss limits, yet somehow I just gave in. And I knew I should have said no when you asked me to spank you, but I let myself be swayed.”

She swallowed hard and Kristina threaded her fingers through the hair at the base of her skull, thumbs resting softly against her cheeks, comforting.

She wanted to apologize, torn between trying to forgive herself and constantly being reminded of all the ways she had screwed up.

“I just want you so much that I can’t trust myself with this. I can’t risk losing you again, honey. I can’t even think about it. I’m just not ready.”

“Okay…” Kristina swallowed the apology that was thick in her throat, leaning down to kiss Parker softly instead.

“I’m not going anywhere Parker. I know it’s going to take time, but I’ll prove that to you.”

She felt a gentle exhale against her lips, and hoped it was a sigh of relief. “I’m right here.”

They kissed long and soft and slow, until their clothes littered the floor and their bodies moved together in a way that was so achingly familiar. Kristina tried to pour all of herself into making love to her, tried to let the sincerity of her earlier words seep into her actions.

They were breathing hard, and she could taste Parker’s tears as they turned the kiss salty. Kristina was reminded she wasn’t the only one who needed to heal.

“I love you baby. I’m here.”


	21. Chapter 21

Parker’s briefcase was already on the floor behind the front door, her shoes placed neatly beside it. Dropping her own book bag and purse, Kristina kicked off her boots, padding through the house towards Parker’s office.

Her head was down, fingers flying across the keyboard, glasses slightly crooked on her face as she worked.

“Excuse me, Professor.”

Parker’s head snapped up, a smile breaking across her face.

“Kristina, you’re home early.”

She crossed the room, fingers trailing over Parker’s shoulders as she stepped behind her, leaning down to press a kiss to her cheek.

“I am, Pamela had a thing, and I didn’t have much to say today.”

“Oh.”

The word became a groan as Kristina squeezed the tight muscles in the woman’s shoulders.

“Apparently she does have a soul and couldn’t in good faith sit there and let me gush about my girlfriend on her birthday, and make me pay her hourly rate.”

Parker groaned again.

“I thought we agreed that the B word was off limits?”

Kristina leaned forwards, running her hands down her arms, kneading lightly over the smooth muscle of her biceps.

“It could be, but then you wouldn’t get any of the privileges that come with being the birthday girl.”

Her voice was low and rough against Parker’s ear, and she felt amazing. Her classes were going surprisingly well, she only had a few therapy sessions left, and she got to come home every night to Parker and finally feel like she was the best version of herself.

“What are these privileges exactly?”

A knot released under her fingers. Kneading a little more until the spasm eased, she let her hands go still, sliding her arms around Parker’s neck and leaning down to hug her from behind.

“Well, I’d say birthday spankings but we’d be here for quite a while, considering there’d be forty-one.”

Parker shrieked, and she was tugged around, pulled down into her lap, and they were laughing. The spanking incident felt so far away, and after talking about it and dissecting it, it felt so good to be able to joke.

“Are you trying to make me cry on my birthday, Miss Davis?”

Parker’s arms were around her, her fingers playing with the hem of her shirt.

“No. I’m trying to spoil you, so I was thinking dinner tonight at that pretentious Italian place you like.”

Parker’s eyes were shining, happy, and she leaned down to kiss her.

“It’s not pretentious, it’s good!”

They kissed once more, and then she hopped up, laughing when a swat to the butt followed her.

“You’re feisty today.”

Parker’s eyes burned, and her heart soared because the evening was going better than she had planned.

She just gave her a coy smile.

“Is that a yes to dinner?”

She watched the woman lick her lips as she tugged her glasses off her nose.

“Yes, and perhaps we’ll come home and skip the coffee.”

Kristina couldn’t help but laugh.

“Is that a _thing_ now?”

Parker’s voice was rich, dark when she replied, “Oh Miss Davis, it’s most definitely a thing.”

Heat coiled in her stomach, and with what she hoped was an enigmatic smile, she ran upstairs to get ready before she lost the upper hand.

***

She had taken a long shower, luxuriating under the hot spray, deep conditioning and shaving _everything_. Her hair was blown out, falling around her shoulders like dark silk, her makeup was smoky, and studying herself in the bedroom mirror, she looked amazing. She _felt_ amazing.

The lines of her body were familiar again, her breasts were a little fuller, her hipbones were softly prominent rather than jutting, and the swell of her backside filled her dress in a way she knew that Parker would notice.

Running her hands over the thin fabric, smoothing it over the flat plain of her stomach, she tried to remember a time when she had ever been this happy, this genuinely, honest to god, at peace.

Parker must have already changed and gone back down. She grabbed her phone, heels in the other hand and started downstairs, pausing when voices rose to greet her. Brow furrowed she continued, stopping as she hit the hall to slip into heeled pumps that were sinfully high.

“Come on, darling. It’s time to stop with the games.”

Her stomach flipped, she would recognize that voice anywhere now.

She was about to go rushing forward, to burst into the living room, but something made her pause. Maybe it was therapy, maybe it was the fact that she had grown up, but in the second she took to think the decision through and take stock of herself, she had a moment of clarity.

Her fingers moved quickly over her cell screen and then she took a deep breath and entered the room.

“There you are, baby.”

Her eyes fell on Parker, beautiful in a tight red dress, fury etched across her face. Setting her phone on the coffee table she strode right past Amanda and up to her girlfriend, heels clicking against the floor, until she was pulling her into her arms. She kissed Parker long and hard, tasting first her surprise then her amusement, and finally her surrender. Kristina was ruthless, lips and teeth and tongue, nipping and swiping and claiming. She heard Parker take a shuddering breath and finally forced herself to pull back, pressing one last sweet kiss to her lips for good measure.

“Oh, Mandy.”

She turned to the other woman, letting all the smugness she felt, burn in her eyes. Grey ones were narrowed, and looked like she had swallowed a golf ball.

_Good._

“This is a surprise.”

She looked to Parker and the woman was just staring at her looking dazed. With a smirk still kissing her lips, she turned back to Amanda.

“Kristina, you look well.” The sentiment was bitter, “Don’t mind me, I just came by to wish my wife a happy birthday.”

The words boiled her blood but she kept her cool.

“You look surprised to see me. Did your little plan not work quite like you hoped? What was it you told me…”

It was so easy to bite her lip like she was thinking, remembering, when really, she knew the words by heart.

“That’s right. Some things aren’t ours to keep, and it’s true. Parker isn’t your anything, _she’s mine to keep_.”

A hint of her temper spilled into the last words, and they were hissed. The woman swung back to slap her, and Kristina steeled herself for the blow, though it never landed. Parker was beside her, one hand on the small of her back, the other around Amanda’s wrist, holding it in midair.

“Don’t you ever, touch her.”

Her voice was ice, and for a moment, they were all frozen.

“What do you really want, Amanda?” It was Kristina who finally broke the silence.

“How did you know all that crap about me anyway, you know, the things from my past that you used to blackmail and manipulate me into leaving?”

The woman seemed to come back to life at the reminder, something vicious burning in her steely blue eyes.

“Oh please. One look at your medical records and it’s obvious what you are, what you always will be Kristina. A broken little girl, abused and tossed aside.”

At one time the words would have hurt, they would have burrowed under her skin and made her angry, insecure, but now, they rolled off her like water.

“It was so easy to find out from some of the surgeons at GH about your sad little life, your fucked up family. Everyone knows about you in that town, just a used little toy, passed between greedy hands.”

Parker started to speak but Kristina cut her off.

“So what, you thought that I’d just leave and Parker would come running back to you.”

Amanda sneered. Kristina stepped close to her, ignoring the way her stomach rolled at the familiar smell of her perfume.

She was in her space, their faces inches apart, close enough to kiss.

“Here’s the thing about me, Mandy. I’ve made mistakes but I’ve learned from them, and I love Parker and I’m not going anywhere, ever. So let me tell you what’s going to happen.”

Her voice was dark, and she watched Amanda lick her lips, heard Parker take a harsh breath behind her.

“What’s that?”

Kristina smiled.

“You’re going to sign the divorce papers, and disappear.”

She stepped back, moving to retrieve her phone. Amanda was laughing.

When she turned, the woman’s eyes were on Parker, though as she rolled back the recording and pressed play, they snapped to her.

_“…please. One look at your medical records and it’s obvious what you are, what you always will be Kristina. A broken…”_

She turned it off. The woman took two steps towards her.

“Ah ah.” She held the phone away. “I’ve already sent it to my father for safekeeping, it’s out of your hands. So all you have left to worry about is how you’re going to handle this from here.”

She was smug in her victory, her eyes leaving Amanda to look to Parker. The woman was watching her with an intensity that made Kristina’s spine prickle.

“Come on, Amanda, we wouldn’t want the medical board to get ahold of that now would we? Sign the papers and then get the fuck out of our life. Don’t contact me, or Parker, just disappear like a _good girl_.”

She couldn’t resist.

Amanda’s face split into a sneer.

“You’ll see what she’s like. Wait a year, or two. Parker is not who you think.”

Kristina shrugged.

“Maybe not, but she _is mine_.”

She knew her words had hit home, fury blazed in blue eyes.

“You heard her. Sign the papers Amanda and get out.”

Parker stepped forward, seeming to find her voice. Kristina’s heart was beating hard in her chest, elated, as the woman retrieved the papers, signing and turning a page, then signing again.

“I’ll see you out.”

She indicated for Amanda to go, and followed her down the hall, pulling the front door open.

“You’ll regret this Kristina. You don’t know her.”

She hovered, one hand on the door.

“No Amanda, you don’t know me. You may have caught me at a disadvantage before, but fuck with my family again and you’ll find out what I’m really capable of.”

With one last, brilliantly smug smile, she slammed the door.

She was still breathing hard, shaking slightly with the thrill of it, the adrenaline, because _god, that had felt good._

She turned, surprised to see Parker walking towards her.

“Hey…”

The word was swallowed. Her back hit the door. Lips covered her own, a tongue pushed rough into her mouth. Hands skirted her hips, going straight to her backside and squeezing, hard. The length of Parker’s body was pushed against her front, pinning her to the cold wood of the door, a thigh already pressed between her legs.

“Fuck dinner.”

_It did something to her when that woman cursed._

Teeth were on her neck nipping at her skin, chased by soft kisses and a hot tongue. Kristina clung to her, her fingers lost in blonde hair, one of Parker’s hands already hiking up her dress.

“We’ve graduated from skipping coffee to…” The word was lost in a moan as a hand palmed her breast, roughly.

“Skipping the entire dinner?”

Fingers pushed her panties aside, already moving slick over her, rubbing her.

“You want this?”

Parker’s voice was raw, rough against her ear. Kristina’s body jumped when she nipped at the lobe, pressure building fast in her stomach.

She leaned forward to kiss her.

“Yes.”

A hand around her throat pushed her back against the door, and suddenly she was staring into her eyes, dark and burning, and endlessly intense. Their breaths were panted, loud in the silence of the house, and she could only imagine how they looked, her dress hiked obscenely around her waist, Parker’s hair mussed and her lipstick smeared.

“Ask me, honey.”

Her heart jumped, her mouth suddenly dry. She knew the question in her head must have echoed in her eyes. The slim fingers at her throat tightened just a fraction.

“You’re mine, Kristina, always. Ask me.”

The fingers between her legs were rubbing her, hard enough to keep her in the moment, keep her frenzied, but not enough to take her any further. She let her tongue dart out to wet her lips, head back against the door.

“I’m yours. Fuck me, mistress, please.”

She heard Parker’s breath catch, and then two fingers were rough inside her, her head was back, her eyes were closed and Parker was pushing into her deep and hard.

“I love you, Kristina.” Was panted, hot and breathless into her ear, but there was no air in her lungs for her to reply, everything inside her clenched tight.

Parker was relentless, fingers twisting and probing and touching the part of her that made her jaw clench hard, over and over until she was teetering.

“Come for me, honey.”

On command, her body loosened, fluttering and jolting and then she was falling. When she went limp, Parker held her up, fucked her still, long and deep and slow to another toe curling orgasm, one leg held fast around her waist.

Thankfully when she finally slipped from inside her, she didn’t let her go. Kristina didn’t trust her legs to hold her up.

They stood there in the hall, locked together, breathless, and as her body came back under her control, another wave of desire crashed through Kristina.

“That was unfair of you, you’re supposed to be the one getting the special privileges today.”

Parker smiled down at her, stunning with her sex-mussed hair and a trail of red lipstick smeared at the corner of her mouth.

“If you think that wasn’t a treat for me, you’re insane.”

Kristina leaned up to kiss her.

“Go upstairs, baby. It’s my turn.”

***

Kristina flopped back onto the bed, sweat-soaked and spent.

“Tell me you still hate birthdays when _that_ was one of your gifts.”

She set the item in question on the nightstand, wiping her mouth and trying to smooth her hair.

Parker smiled at her from across the pillows, gloriously naked, still shaking.

“Who the hell sent you a… _whatever you call it_ anyway?”

The woman laughed.

“It’s a strapless dildo, and actually it was Sam.”

“What?!”

Even Kristina knew her voice was shrill with surprise.

“Oh that’s not even the best part, wait until you read the text.”

Parker reached for her phone.

“You text my sister now?”

_This discovery delighted her._

“Occasionally.”

Parker’s phone was placed into her hands, her eyes scanning the little rows of text.

_Hope you like your gift, should be in mailbox today. It was #1 rated when I googled gifts for my lesbian sister in law. Just kidding. But sort of not… the reviews were really good._

_Should probably tell you Molly wanted to go halfsies, so it’s from her too, and she thinks the gift we sent you is a crock pot._

_Take care of my sister._

Kristina couldn’t stop laughing, by the time she did her stomach muscles felt like jelly. Parker was watching her, a smile lighting her beautiful face.

“I’m sorry we skipped dinner.”

Kristina couldn’t help but smile.

“Are you kidding me, it was totally worth it, although you did kind of derail my plans for giving you your gift.”

Parker pushed up, sitting back against the pillows, fixing her hair. Kristina reached out, swiping a thumb across her lower lip, collecting the lipstick smeared below.

“I thought the amazing sex _was_ my gift.”

Kristina was suddenly nervous as she laughed. None of this was how she planned it, but she figured nothing in their life usually was. She could work with this.

“No, actually, Parker I um… Well. I’m just going to give it to you now, okay?”

The woman must have sensed her nerves, leaning over to touch her face.

“Sweetheart, whatever it is, I will love it. Besides, I already got everything I wanted for my god-forsaken birthday. I have you.”

_God, she was choking up already._ She swallowed.

“Wait here?”

Parker nodded, and she hurried off the bed and into their closet, digging down to the bottom of her shoebox pile, and retrieving the gift from the very last one.

With it clasped in one hand behind her back, she returned to the bedroom, nerves fluttering in her stomach. This was not how she pictured this.

Standing before Parker, unashamed of her own nakedness as she’d never been, she studied the beautiful woman in front her, watched her scoot to the edge of the bed. A hand settled on her hip, gentle, waiting, and Kristina relaxed.

“I know I messed up, a lot, in the beginning and now. I regret so much of what I did, and the way things unfolded for us, but I don’t regret that it brought us here.”

She’d had this whole thing planned out, but suddenly her head was empty, and she just loved her so much, and _screw it_.

“I love you, Parker, more than anything. You showed me what it means to fall in love truly, and to be in love, and to make love, and to fight for love, and to learn to love well.”

She got down on her knee, nervous and excited, feeling crimson flush across her cheeks.

“Marry me?”

She pulled the box from behind her back, flipping the lid back and looking up to watch surprise flash across Parker’s beautiful face, before it erupted into half a smile, her lips pressed together, tears in her eyes.

“Kristina…”

She knew her hand was shaking, she knew tears were in her own eyes, but all she could see, focus, think about was the look on Parker’s face, that soft note of disbelief and love and forever in her voice when she answered.

“Yes.”

She shot to her feet when strong arms pulled her up and then they were hugging and kissing, and she was putting the ring she had so carefully chosen on Parker’s finger, and her life was a fairytale.

“Honey…”

Parker was holding out her left hand, looking down on it, the other tight around her waist, holding Kristina to her.

“It’s beautiful… I just.”

She pulled away, opening the drawer on her nightstand and producing a familiar black box. Kristina felt relief and a sense of rightness wash over her at the sight of it.

“I fell in love with you a little bit the day I met you, Krissie, I haven’t stopped falling since, and I don’t ever want to.”

Parker took a deep breath.

“Be my wife? Marry me? Just let… let me spend forever falling in love with you?”

Kristina kissed her, tears on her cheeks and so much love and hope and happiness in her chest that she felt weightless. When she finally pulled away and Parker took the ring out of the box, her heart stopped beating.

“I’m guessing that’s a yes.”

She looked up at her.

“Of course it’s a yes, it’s always been yes.”

The ring fit on her finger like it belonged there.

Parker kissed her again, sweet and slow.

“We’re going to have to work on our engagement story, honey. Naked after mind-blowing sex wasn’t exactly how I thought it might happen.”

They laughed, though Kristina suddenly worried, _was Parker disappointed?_

“Kristina…” Her name tugged her back from her worrying.

“It was absolutely perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up, the Epilogue (Chapter 22) will be the final chapter of Mine To Keep. I will be back with a sequel, after taking a short break to work on another project.
> 
> If you have enjoyed this story please let me know with comments and kudos, or connect with me on twitter @LERoyalWrites You can also follow me there for updates regarding the sequel, and to support my other work.


	22. Epilogue

The black SUV wove in and out of traffic, and Kristina had never loved driving as much as she did since she had picked her new baby up from the dealership. In the final weeks of her program with Pamela, they had talked a lot about her goals going forward. Independence was important to her, and finally getting a car of her own was a huge step forward in that department.

_She was so glad to be done with the bus._

The first breath of spring was in the air, the late afternoon sun shining softly through the trees, though a chill still hung below it.

Pulling up to the college, Kristina smiled as she saw her, her heart picking up at the sight of familiar golden hair, rich brown eyes.

Shifting the car into park, she unbuckled herself and slid out, hands in her pockets, dark sunglasses obscuring her face. She leaned back against the driver door, waiting.

Parker looked up and something in her chest clenched. She watched her say her goodbyes, obviously telling her company her ride had arrived. The eyes of, who she assumed a few of the other professors, fell to her before they politely looked back to her _fiancée_. Her brain still stumbled and screamed over that word every single time.

Parker was hers, and they had forever, and forever felt like an awfully, _wonderfully_ , long time.

She was striding towards her, head down, a soft flush coloring her cheeks. Kristina pushed off the car, taking a few steps to meet her, taking her heavy book bag in one hand, and tugging her shamelessly in for a kiss with the other.

It was soft but it lingered, and when she stepped back, Parker’s cheeks were stained a darker pink.

“Hey.”

The older woman was uncharacteristically speechless, and Kristina reveled in it. Moving back to her car, she opened the passenger door, waiting, as Parker had done for her in the past so many times.

Still blushing prettily, the older woman slid down into the seat. Kristina shoved her book bag into the footwell, reaching over to take the seatbelt from her hands.

“You’re really enjoying having the car, huh?”

The question was soft, amused, giddy. Parker’s dark eyes shone as they watched careful fingers her buckle her in.

“The car, the weather, the beautiful woman… I just feel like I have it all today.”

It was true. She felt strong, certain, unstoppable.

Finished with the buckle she went to move back, only to be caught by the jacket, pale fingers closing around supple leather and tugging her in close.

“Kristina…” Something in Parker’s voice sent goosebumps spilling up her arms, she sucked in a breath, knowing already that the woman was about to combust her insides. After a purposefully long pause, dark eyes rose to meet her own, every word slow, enunciated with purpose.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard when we get home.”

With a dry mouth and a ridiculous smile on her face Kristina gave her one last quick kiss, stepping back and closing the door. It took a gargantuan effort to force herself not to run to get back in the driver’s seat, and not to speed and violate every single traffic law known to man on the way home.

They rushed through the front door, two heavy book bags hit the floor first. Kristina was still struggling out of her jacket when Parker pounced. They crashed back into the side table in the hall, fingers knotted in her hair, snaking up her shirt, while her own settled on Parker’s ass pulling her closer.

A tongue was pushed into her mouth, teeth nipped and tugged at her lip, their lips meshed together, parting only when they had to so Kristina could yank her shirt over her head. She barely paused before she was back to working on Parker’s buttons.

A shrill ringing from behind the door interrupted, glancing at her purse and back to Parker, kiss-swollen lips and lust dark eyes, she didn’t even pause.

“Leave it.”

Then they were kissing again, she was pushed back until she was perched on the edge of the table, a toned thigh between her own, her head back against the mirror. A tongue lathed a hot trail all the way up her neck, and thankfully, finally, her phone went quiet.

Catching Parker by the chin she crashed their mouths back together. Her eyes were closed, head back, body burning. She was losing herself to the kiss, the hands on her, the coolness of the mirror against her shoulder blades.

A softer ring tone cut through the sound of their quick breaths.

“You’re kidding me!”

Parker stepped back and they studied each other for a minute.

“It might be important, honey.”

She looked as deflated as Kristina felt at the interruption. Kristina nodded, biting her lip and taking a deep breath as she watched Parker rush to rummage through her purse. She was beautiful in just her bra, jeans already unbuttoned, hanging loose around slim hips.

“Hello? Alexis?”

Kristina’s heart dropped. Everything slowed down, the quiet before a storm, the split second before a car wreck, and she felt it coming.

“She’s right here. I’m putting you on speaker.”

Parker walked towards her, the fear that was twisting into Kristina’s chest reflected in her fiancée’s eyes.

“Kristina? Kristina?”

Her mom sounded frantic.

“Mom?” Her voice was rough, and she cleared her throat. A strong hand slipped into hers squeezing her fingers tight, the only warmth in a suddenly frigid room.

“Kristina. You have to come home, now.” A sob ripped down the line and Kristina’s insides were in knots because this was too familiar.

“It’s Sam.” Her mom wailed the words. “Sam’s gone… _She’s dead_.”

 

**AN 9/10/18: Pristina, you are incredible. I hear you. Life happened, as it often does, shortly after I finished this story. I no longer watch GH (after the Pristina fail), but frankly we as a fandom deserve better. I appreciate all the encouragement, and I am seriously thinking about trying to squeeze Part 2 out around the insanity of my schedule right now. You're not forgotten. I'm working on it. E**


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